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Do you think, for some men, cheating is actually a compulsion?
My love can honestly not seem to stop. I don't think he is actively seeing someone else, but I KNOW he is still looking around. I saw the activity on his computer. And he is acting so sneaky, taking his phone in the bathroom and such things.
Now, I have caught him cheating a year or so back, We decided to work it out. I've been ok with things, but (obviously, as I am checking his computer) still having trust issues. I really don't think he is seeing anyone else, and I am not going to end the relationship just because he is looking at dating profiles on POF. But...
And here is the real kicker. The solution we both decided on when he got caught last time was to open up the relationship. We could both date other people, and we developed very specific rules and guidelines. The A1 rule was complete openness and transparency. This has been mostly working for us (no judgement, please). The thing that has me most worried now is this: I think what really appeals to him about the cheating is the sneaking around. I also wonder if he just has to look at and talk to these women as a kind of compulsion. Kind of like a porn addiction?
Thoughts, ladies?
Re: Do you think, for some men, cheating is actually a compulsion?
Your love?
Ugh...he needs to be your exlove and in a hurry.
Might I ask you why you are drawn to an alleycat like this? Why is this guy good enough for you?
I think that some people (male and female) can be legitimately addicted to sex. The chemical rush they get from having sex is their drug of choice.
I had a boyfriend like yours. Absolutely needed the thrill of sleeping with new women to keep him happy. So we had an open relationship with rules of disclosure and veto rights and threesomes. He still couldn't manage it. He needed the illicitness and sleeziness to feed a part of his ego that nothing was ever going to fill.
I dumped him because he wasn't a true partner to me. He dated a whole string of much younger, less educated women after me. He married a girl 10 years younger than himself who claimed to be open to threesomes and all sorts of wild stuff, but really wasn't. She got the ring on her finger and rarely had sex with him again.
DTFMA and let the karma bus hit him in good time
Are you for real? Why would you continue to stay with a man who keeps cheating on you? You have no trust here and I don't know how you can make a relationship work without it.
I think this must be MUD.
My favorite part "I'm not going to end the relationship just because he is looking at dating profiles on POF". What's he looking for, research?
Sounds like he has more of a compulsion to be a douche than anything if what really appeals to him is lying to "his love".
I would have been long gone at the first cheating incident. Why do you want to stay? There are other men out there that you could love and that would actually love you back and respect you. It's hard to cut ties with someone that you think you love, but it needs to be done. This guy absolutely likes the thrill of cheating and sneaking around. You cannot open your relationship enough to satisfy him, he will always cross the lines because that's what he likes. Send him on his way, get tested, and get on with your life.
Yeah WTF.
This.
If it is real then I doubt this man truly loves you. When you got married the ground rules were: Love, honor and cherish while foresaking all others... then you both re-wrote the rules: Love, honor and cherish while accepting some others as long as there is full discloser and communication.
BOTH times he broke the rules. He is a loser and you are making excuses for him.
My answer is that some people simply don't have monogamy in them.
And, I'll add: please leave this person. Today.
Yes. I do think some people are addicted. My ex fiance was like this and I find it interesting that you know and you have not left him yet.
Which begs the question - why are you addicted to him? Because that's what I found out about myself - I suspected for sometime and ignored the signs and it took a ballbat to the head (figuratively not literally) for me to realize this man has a serious issue that I wanted nothing of.
I'd quit worrying about him, and focus on why you're still in this relationship and how you get out.