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Explaining Gently?
I've been with my boyfriend for over two years now, I'll be 19 next month, and he'll be 20 in November. He is very easily worked up about little things, especially when I try and be honest and tell him that something he is doing or has done is bothering me. Not everything bothers me, of course, but there are little things that happen that annoy me.
I've tried in the nicest ways to let him know he's doing something or done something, and offer to help him in fixing it, or offer ways to fix it or something, but he just takes it overly critically and suddenly becomes the sob story "I can't do anything right" kind of negative nelly.
This is happening a bunch right now, and mostly about cleaning. His room at home is a total mess, and he seems to refuse to clean it, but he also refuses the help I offer him in cleaning it. It's got his mother annoyed, and it's got me annoyed, because his room being such a mess means we have to stay in the living room of his house instead of somewhere more private and cozy.
It's not only his room sometimes, though. It's just general, picking up after himself. He'll have a coke at my house, and leave the glass in my living room, or bedroom. Is it really that much to do to pick up the can and put it next to the sink? Especially since he hears my mother yell about similar things to my brother.
We have talked endlessly about saving money and getting stable enough jobs to within the next few years or so, go in on a small apartment or something to get us started on our own. However, these anti-cleaning habits would really get on my nerves at our own place. As much as I want to be a mother and housewife, I'm not exactly ready to continuously pick up after him just yet.
That's the most recent issue, but how can I try and be gentle with him, but still get my message across? Also, how can I try to get him over these over-sensitive reactions?
Re: Explaining Gently?
I think this is one of those things where you choose your battles, or more so in this case - when to choose the battle. If/when you choose to move in together (a lot can happen between now and then), at that time you will have 50% say as to how you want your new shared apartment to be kept clean. At that time, you can both sit down and say who will take care of what chores to share the burden of responsibility.
But seriously, expecting to settle down at such a young age is tough to call. You're both young and each could drastically change over the next five years.
So if his room is messy and you want some privacy, you can hang out somewhere else besides his house. Maybe then he'll get the hint and decide to clean his room a little more, but that's not guaranteed.
But he's only 19, he has every expectation for his mother to take care of him. That's a prettyt good indication that he's not ready for marriage at this point
Someone who is over-sensitive and easily worked up does not become that way overnight, and it does not go away as quickly, if ever, either.
You do not like his annoying habits, and you nag him about them when he does them. That will not get any better when you are living together - in fact, it usually gets worse.
I am suggesting it is time for the two of you to part ways and move on to more compatible people.
We are highly compatible. The over reacting is probably the only issue with the relationship as a whole. I understand that it takes time to change something like an over sensitivity issue, but I'm just wondering if there's any way I can give a small push, and what the best ways would be to reassure him that he is okay, that he will be okay, and just make him understand that.
In the end, the idea of the messy room and me being a "mother" in the relationship isn't really what I was aiming towards getting feedback on, and I guess I shouldn't have made it the bulk of my post, so that's my fault.
But to touch on these...
My parents have been together for over 20 years and are still. I've been blessed to have my parents stay married in a society where I feel surrounded by divorce. They made the decision when they decided to have children that my father would work, and my mother would be a stay-at-home mother. My mother always tells me how she wishes she could have worked, but that it was the best choice they could make to raise my brother and I.
However, because I have grown up with this situation, it has become something I've aspired to. I have realized as I get older, (though, yes, I am young, and obviously this isn't happening any time soon!) I really do just want to be a mother, and maintain a household. It's been a tough battle, especially with beginning college, not having a career path that I was so interested in other than the dreams of being a mother I had. (I did go in as a music major, but after my first year, I discovered it was not what I had hoped it would be and I was really struggling with it. I am now undecided, but looking into psychology and child development) It was most difficult because I know that regardless, there was no way this can happen, and that I could just be a mother like that. I know, even if it does work out, I need a "back-up plan", which preferably involves a bachelor's degree in something practical. I have gained motherly qualities, as I enjoy interacting with children, and babies, and such things. I may have a few control issues, but other than small issues, I don't feel that I mother him as it is being seen.
We both know that moving in will not happen any time soon. Neither of us are financially stable enough to handle moving out of our parents' homes. We're both college students at different universities, he's currently trying to sell his car to buy a cheaper and more practical one, and I just acquired a car, which has payments every month due to a loan my father and I decided to take from the bank. On top of those payments, there is car insurance (in which, since I am on my father's plan, he is currently paying for me until he feels I can handle that as well), and I have a hefty tab of around $2,000 of debt with my father for numerous repairs that this stupid car has needed. He has a part time job at a local microbrewery, as well as an "on-commission" job arranging music for a wedding group. I just got a job at McDonald's (which I'm not proud of, but its my first job, and so it will count as experience) in which I may have to drop sooner than later due to how their health benefits program and my father's health benefits program conflict with my coverage. We know that even though we FEEL that we'd like to live together in our own place, it's no where near ready to happen. Finances are holding us back and giving us that time to make sure its right.
I agree with Ayani- you can't change someone.
As awesome as being a stay at home wife and mom can be, that might not be in the cards for you right away. If the situation you want is for your husband to go out and support you and your children (which is a perfectly admirable goal, mind you- I'm going to be a SAHM myself once my son is born) but yet your boyfriend has to be nagged to clean his own room, that doesn't really inspire hope. And if it bothers you that he doesn't pick up a cup, forgive me for saying this but how on earth are you going to deal with picking up his dirty socks day in and day out?
You shouldn't have to tell him to clean up his things- and he shouldn't be giving you crap for asking to do things he should already be doing. But that notwithstanding, he seems far too immature to be thinking about moving in with ANYONE, much less anyone who's ready for marriage and kids.
Don't feel bad about working at McDonald's. You're obviously trying to be a responsible adult. It's not easy working while going through school. Been there, done that, and I'm sure a lot of your peers are not also working. I get that McDonald's probably isn't your aspiring career choice, but you should be proud that you're balancing work and school at the same time. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Second, my advice is to NOT move in w/ one another anytime soon. You BOTH live at home. I think you BOTH would benefit greatly from living on your own. That includes roomates, but it means not with each other.
I think that would probably benefit HIM more than you. Going straight from home to living together... you're only going to fill the "mom" role evne more so than you do now. He needs to be on his own.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
This comes from (painful) experience. I would not EVER move in with a guy who has not lived on his own for a period of time. The concerns everyone is bringing up here are very valid. If he is moving from his mother's house to an apartment with you, he is going to expect that you will pickup after him as she does. In fact, you two aren't living together yet and already he is expecting you to pick up after him and then behaving like a child when you ask him to pitch in.
These are serious warning signs that he is not ready to be with anyone. He needs time on his own to grow up and learn some responsibility for his own life, otherwise, he is just going from his mother nagging him and telling him what to do to you filling that role...and I can tell you from past experience, it is NOT a fun role to fill. Even worse, if you do have children with him before he outgrows this, then you will be a single mother with a child...and a grown man as another child. That...is a whole other level of misery.
You're both young and have plenty of time. Why not both get separate apartments and continue to date a while? You may be surprised at how he grows and changes when he's on his own or you might come to realize that he's not going to...either way, it's far easier than getting your lives tangled up at this point.