Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Pressure to have a baby
My hubby & I have been married for about a year & a half. We are both 26. Shortly after we got married, his parents, especially my FIL, started pressuring us to have a baby. My hubby is the oldest of his siblings and was born exactly 9 months after his parents' wedding. They were both under 20 years old at the time.
My husband and I have decided that we want to wait to start a family for about 5 years or so. I am graduating from law school in December and will take the bar exam next February. I have worked hard to get where I am and want a chance to get my career started before we start a family. Once I start my career, my hubby wants to go back to school to get an engineering degree. In addition to these things, we want to be more financially established before we make the choice to start a family. We also just want some time to ourselves where we can do what we want, when we want without having to worry about children.
My parents are completely on board with our decision and support us completely. They never say anything about having a baby except that if I got pregnant before I was ready, it wouldn't be a bad thing. However, despite my hubby having informed his parents about the above reasons, they continue to pressure us by constantly asking us if I'm pregnant yet or when we're going to have a baby. I find this incredibly rude and want them to mind their own business. How do I get them to back off and leave us alone?
Re: Pressure to have a baby
My Blog
I know just how you feel. Except I'm 31, not 26. I'm also married for 1.5 years, just started a new career and am only NOW thinking of starting a family. Talk about feeling the pressure. From all angles: close and not so close friends, some family, total strangers! Talk about screaming "Back Off Already"! And coming from his parents (including my MIL and BIL) is very frustrating.
At 26, I was dating my future husband, traveling, hanging with friends and family, decorating our house, imagining of the day I would plan my wedding...and at no time did having kids ever come up. I applaud you for having a Plan. You are in your mid 20's. Prime time for living! They are supposed to be fun, adventurous, memorable, and building up to the life that you and your husband both want. Lots of people fall into the "routine" lifestyle: date, get married, have kids because they think they have to follow the leader (some maybe out of order but you get the picture). I always said to myself that even if I would get married before 30 (29) I wouldn't have kids until after 30. I always felt like I owed it to myself to live my dream life, build a good job/career, have financial support, make sure I wouldn't feel later in life after kids that I forgot to do something important for me. To some, that maybe incredibly selfish, but I call it being responsible. Making a plan, setting goals, sticking to it and achieving them gives a sense of accomplishment, pride, feeling grown up. Now of course, life does HAPPEN! And you can never truly control how or where your life takes you. But what is ment to be will be.
After a few months of feeling the non stop smart alak comments, I turned to my husband for backup. I had to let him know that internally and externally the pressure was building. I didn't even like the idea of having a kid, let alone want to hear and be reminded about it. So he came up with the perfect solution. Anytime you get asked "when are you having kids?" rebut "when are you gonna run for president?" "when ya gonna run that marathon you've always talked about?" "when you win a nobel peace prize." It gives you a chance to make a humorous/blank point statement that says "mind your own business." OR you switch subjects completely: "when are you guys gonna start to have kids/you pregnant yet?" "Oh! That reminds me! Did you see that insane viral video of those puppies yesterday? So amazing!" or "Oh! I completely forgot! I think I left the stove on before we left!" Turn to a new person or subject and let it walk away. If they don't pick up the hint by then, maybe carrying around a bilboard size poster will do the trick. Bottom line, you're not alone in feeling this way. You and your husband should stay true to yourselves AND your master plan, no one else'. It's your lives vs theirs. And in time all good things will come to an end, and beginning! Good luck.
My Blog
Your FIL sounds exactly like mine.I'm only 23 and we've been married less than a year. My ILs have been dropping small comments here and there about wanting more grandkids. They have 2 from H's oldest brother and H is the youngest of 5.There's a sister getting married in June that they KNOW is already taking her prenatal vitamins and they're going to start on the kids ASAP, so it's not like they're doomed to not have anymore grandkids!
Last month we drove the ILs to a family party. FIL gave us a 10 minute lecture on how they're getting older so they're hoping we'll have grandkids soon so they can enjoy all their grandkids while they are still able to. If I was not driving I would have turned around and told him off forcefully, but I let H peacefully respond with a "it'll happen when we're ready" (which may possibly be never for us) and change the subject. I'm still angry at FIL for the shiiiit he said.
I can relate. I've been married 1.5 years, I'm 26, DH is 27. Both of us are established in our careers. I get pressure from all angles, my family, his family, and annoying inquiries from coworkers and friends constantly.
I read an article with funny responses to this very question and my favorite response was "tomorrow." When are you going to have a baby? Tomorrow. Have you thought of when you want to have kids? Tomorrow. When are you going to start trying? Tomorrow. Hopefully everyone will get the hint to stop asking soon
I've been extremely fortunate that my family seems to accept that this decision is ours and ours alone. My parents never bring it up, and his only occasionally. His grandmother brings it up fairly regularly, though not to him, only when I see her and he isn't around. It's a little awkward but I usually just kind of laugh it off.
What I think is really weird is I have a few coworkers who I am friends with but not extremely close to that bring it up ALL the time. It's ridiculous. Like one day I was in the elevator after a 12 hour work day and made a comment that my feet hurt. They said...oh you must be pregnant. And they do things like that all the time. Once I was out to lunch with them and one said "do you know when you'll think about having kids?" My response was standard...we're not really sure, we probably won't even start talking about it for another couple of years. She was like...oh. That will change, I give it a year. I was like..um..excuse me?
I agree, I've had more flak from coworkers than family!
ETA: That, and friends. All my girlfriends want to have like at least 4 each, and they can't BELIEVE that I only want one if any and they think I'll change my mind about that.
My Blog
You have a great life plan in order and don't let peer pressure sway your decisions.
Honestly, the questions will never stop...... when you are dating..."Are you engaged yet?" when you are engaged "when are you getting married?", when you are married "when you having kids?", when you have a child "when are you having a second one?" It just never ends.
I think when we hear "when are you having kids" it hits us as women more personally I think, since in reality we are the only ones who can carry a child. I know I feel the pressure all the time.
I used to take it very hard (I have been with my husband for 14 years, married 5 years, and we are both 34) So you can only imagine the amount of comments I have gotten over the years.
But we had the same life plan as you, stuck with it, and we are both successful business owners, have a nice home, cars, boats, toys and have traveled all over the world. I wouldnt trade it for a second. I bite my tongue when my friends/family pressure me to have kids, but then make comments like "oh I wish I had time to go out on the boat, or I wish I had a nice car".
Stick to your plan and the baby will come when you are ready. Im 34 and still unsure and my clock is ticking. When people ask me when Im having kids, I tell them "a week from never" and it usually shuts them up.
Good luck with your goals!
This is how my mom is. I am one of three, and I've said I want one, maybe two. She's like...ohhh you'll change your mind when you see that first one.
I've been married for a little over 6 1/2 months and I've been getting the "lots of grandchildren" speech for over 9 months. My own dad has been doing it since I bought a house six months before we were married. Now he likes to bring it up in front of people I don't even know. Sadly, he doesn't play with the grandchildren he already has...so why ask me to have "lots more" of them? His mom and her fiance' mention it almost every time we visit. They want to babysit, which we will be grateful for in the future. I keep reminding them all that we agreed before we were married to be newlyweds without the morning sickness for atleast the first year if possible. My husband will be going back to school in August, so most of the finances will be on my shoulders for about 2 years. I work 10-12 hours/day, as does my husband and we are JUST starting out. If I get pregnant, there is a higher risk of my being on bedrest. I refuse to explain all this and my possible medical complication to my relatives. Everyone wants the babies for you, but they aren't going to go to work, school, or class for you, nor are they going to pay your bills or medical bills...I wonder if it's lost on people who put on this type of pressure?
I stumbled on this one, and obviously I'm not a regular on this board, but I had to add something here.
Tell them that every time they ask, you're going to put it off for another month, and at this point you're at about five or six years until you even think about TTC.
That ought to get them to shut up.
Your plans sound like my DH's and mine. He's just starting his own business and I just got finished with school. Yes, we want a family and no we're no where near that point yet. My family and his drop hints on occasion. I'm sure it'll get more intense over the next few years. We are both 30 and have only been married a few months. All of our friends are having or have had kids. I feel like I'm being stalked by babies!
Hang in there, good luck on your bar exam. Tell everyone to shape up or ship out. It's your life, not theirs!
I have to say I am pretty lucky . . .kind of. I've had health problems my whole life and kids may not even be an option. I really want them, but the point is that now is not a good time to try. My husband and I have only been married a few months and we want to spend time together and enjoy life a little before we even start trying.
My parents are really great, mostly because they got way too much input during their lives and hated it. My dad keeps saying he is probably too worn out for grand-kids anyways and he likes adult holidays (my sisters and I are all in our 20s but I'm the only married one and no one else is even dating). My in-laws just got their first grandchild from my brother-in-law and his wife so hopefully we have some time before anybody says anything. My co-workers just went through and odd baby patch; at present 4 just had babies, 2 are pregnant, and one is trying so I'm off the hook.
However if someone starts asking us about children as persistently as yours is I think I will just say to them, "You might not realize this but you are asking a personal question that I am not comfortable discussing with you. However, I did want to chat with someone about ________(fill in the distracting topic)." That way they do not think they can keep asking the question, you have stated that you feel they are not part of the decision process. But you have not been so rude as to cut off the conversation with this person, you have provided a transition topic. If it is a family member that thinks they should be involved in the topic I would have a frank discussion with them if it was my family, and if it was my husband's family I would ask that he do it. Explain, you have a plan and it is not their business. You and your husband have talked about it and since it is between the two of you it is going to stay that way until both of you decide to share.