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Husband/Mother and dog issues
Hello,
I was hoping I could get some opinions of how to handle this - TIA!
My DH and I have a 9 month old son and we live 9 hours from my mother, so she doesn't get to see her grandson all that often. DH's mother and father live in the area so we see them weekly.
My DH is uncomfortable around dogs (it took him 6 months to get used to our well behaved dog) and this issue often comes up and my Mothers when we do visit because he does not like her dog. Her dog is harmless, but certainly is more "free range" than our dog. He freaks out when the baby and dog are in the same room and starts panicking.
My mother has never brought her dog to visit us, but we always bring our dog when we visit her. She is planning a visit and asked if she could bring her dog since we are moving to a larger home and without thinking much I said - yes. My DH is not pleased to say the least. He has laid out rules for her dog during a visit and I'm supposed to tell her today.
I'm freaking out a little, my mother is not going to handle it well when I ask her to have her dog groomed and tell her he can't come in the same room as our baby. I feel stuck in the middle of my mothers "free range dog" and my husbands irrational dog fear.
Should I lay down the rules for my Mother of try to get my DH to lighten up again?
Re: Husband/Mother and dog issues
When it comes to your house, what your DH wants comes first before your mom. I think it would be best to just tell your mom "I wasn't thinking it through when I said yes. You know DH's issues w/ dogs - i think it would be best if you don't bring your dog.".
This isn't about your DH "lightening up". It might not hurt for him to get some help around his issues w/ dogs - it sounds like there must be some past experience that is affecting him. But if there is a past issue, it goes deeper than him "lightening up". And I find it odd that you all got a dog when your DH clearly doesn' tlike them. but... what's done is done.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I agree w/ ECB. You were in the wrong here by saying yes before discussing this with your DH.
And, if DH wanted to, he could really stand his ground and say no, but I think he's trying to be accommodating. That being said, requiring a trip to the groomers is a little much.
This. And this may be a principle of the matter kind of thing as well. This is your home you share with your husband. If the situation was reversed?You probably would not be happy he did not ask you first.
First of all, your dh really sounds like he has a phobia and he needs to get over his issues. If your mom's dog is truly a good dog and you're not making excuses for him, it's ok for him not to like dogs or to not want a dog other than yours in the house (which I think is perfectly reasonable), but being afraid of having your LO around a dog when other people are around is not healthy. Was he bit or attacked when he was young?
That being said, it is your dh's house as well as yours. It is not your mom's. He's allowed to not want another dog in the house. I LOVE dogs, but won't let guests bring their dogs into my house - - even if I sit for my mom's dog, he stays in the back porch, which means he doesn't come over during the winter. If DH invited a dog into our house I would be angry!
Spend some time trying to think of a compromise if you think his rules are a little over-the-top. For example, I do think the grooming thing is a bit much, unless you mom's dog sheds a lot, or he or your baby is allergic. However, I think allowing your mom in the house with her dog AT ALL (just keeping some ground rules) is a compromise on his part. "Free range" obviously doesn't work for your H, which is why the dog you own is not that way.
If your mom is upset, just tell her "you know how DH feels about dogs. I said yes without thinking about it, but we need XX in order for everyone to be comfortable about having Rover in our home and around the baby."
Your H sounds like he has some unusual nervousness around dogs. More than most people. So this is murky to me. On the one hand, of course, it is where he lives, and if he does not want the dog there that is fine since it is his/your house and you set the boundaries. However, because he sounds pretty irrational when it comes to dogs, I think his rules are a bit irrational.
Now, I bathe my dog before he goes to my parents house because my father is allergic and the special shampoo I use helps my dad's allergies. If the only two rules are that her dog should be groomed and can't be near the baby, I don't see why your mother would be so bothered. But your H sounds a bit over the top regarding dogs.
Also, what is a "free range" dog?
By "groomed", does he mean washed or professionally shaved? Because grooming means a lot of things, really.
I think the real issue if you back out completely here is that your mom might -and very fairly so- ask why you bring your dog to her house but she can't do the same. Try to avoid that.
This is probably biased, because I can.not.stand. dogs (I would be okay if people didn't insist on shoving them down my throat like my relatives do)... but it sounds like it would be best for all involved if you said that you didn't think it through before saying yes, and that your mom needs to leave the dog home. (Or heck, offer to pay for a kennel nearby to your house.)
It's your husband's house and if he's not comfortable with someone else's pet in it, then what he says goes. The whole "two yesses, one no" rule that DH and I live by. It would be very hospitable of your mom to keep the dog away from YH when he's at her house too, but that's another thing.
And this is a separate little diatribe, but I don't think your husband is unreasonable for not wanting other people's dogs near the baby. Too much can go wrong... that baby is a stranger to the dog too, so the dog is more likely (not saying it will, but is more likely) to act in ways that it doesn't normally act. (We've had issues in my family in the past and in DH's family in the past that gives me a strong anti-pet-near-the-baby stance.)
I'm like that with DD right now - especially since she's just learning to walk and there are some very "excitable" dogs in the extended family. I'll back off when she's steady on her feet, but I'm fighting that fight myself right now with certain relatives who insist on bringing their dogs every.freakin.where. and insist that they're well behaved even while they're scolding them for something or other. Am I going to shield her forever from dogs? As much as I'd like to, no I'm not. But she will be raised to know that humans come first, and that if she wants a dog (or any animal), it's her problem and no one else's (ie don't just assume that anyone who walks in is eager for a wet nose up the crotch). We're actually about to get two baby birds for her to grow up with and be able to add interaction as it becomes age appropriate.
Sorry for the extra diatribe there, hopefully your situation gets resolved without a fight. I just get a little worked up at the suggestion that anyone who doesn't want pets near the baby is automatically unreasonable. I get that the majority of cases turn out just fine, but I know of actual cases on both sides of my family where it did not turn out just fine. Everything is so pro-pet right now, that people like myself automatically get defensive with things like the baby/animal interaction. It doesn't help in making a rational case but there's often no other way to be heard. Please hear your husband's side... and especially in his home.