Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
I need help.
I met my SO about a year and a half ago. My EXH and I were separated at the time. My SO was everything I had been waiting for. He basically swept me off my feet - was charming, strong, caring, made me feel like I've never felt before, was gentle, etc. He's a firefighter, EMT, very smart, and good with children. We fell in love hard and fast. He made promises to me that if I left my husband, he would give me a life I deserved. He would make me happy and would treat me better than anyone else. I believed him, of course, because he was so incredibly good to me.
So, I filed for divorce. I moved my children and myself out of our house and settled into a new place.
SO and I began having really bad arguments about 6 months into our relationship. He isn't there for me emotionally, like he promised. When I start to feel anxious about something, he tells me to "get over it." He says, "I'm not going to baby you or kiss your a**." He helps me out with money here and there when I need it, but emotionally he is completely absent. Whenever I cry or get upset about something, he says, "You need to control your emotions around me" and "I'm not going to baby you."
He got injured on the job (as a firefighter) and had to have extensive back surgery. I was there for him through all of it. I took off work, paid babysitters, everything...just to make sure I could help him. He started taking painkillers as a result of the bad pain he was in (dilaudid, percoset, tylenol 3) and his family and I believe he is now addicted to them.
We start to have an up and down type of relationship where we have a few great weeks, then we have an argument about something he says or does, he never apologizes (says he's not going to kiss my a**) and then we go back to trying to work it out. He always eventually admits that he was being a d*ck and he will "change."
This has been going on for months and months.
The other night we had one of the worst arguments of our relationship. I wasn't feeling well and had been up since 5:00AM working. He had been sleeping all day (he's on disability because of his injury). He wanted to go to a baseball game, where his son was playing. He found out that his exwife was there (he has been married twice). He wanted to make his exwife jealous and piss her off by bringing me there. I got really mad. I told him "You know I'm not feeling well, why would you want to drag me out of the house for something stupid like that?" He said, "Jesus Christ...whatever." Then he said he was going to go. I couldn't believe it. All the time I was there for him during his back surgery....he couldn't give up ONE night to help me out when I wasn't feeling well.
The argument carried on and he started accusing me of being jealous of his 7 year old daughter. I need to add that he has 3 children, and it is obvious that the 7 year old is his favorite. Even his mother says, "that girl rules the roost." He allows her to say and do whatever she wants. He even bought her a cell phone so she could text him all day. I could care less, it's his child and he can do what he wants, but the way he's raising her is going to cost him dearly later.
Anyway, there's a lot more to this, but I think this post is long enough. I just don't know how I can get out of this situation. My mind knows I can't stay with him. But, my heart is so invested. I've given up so much time and I've done so much for him. I don't know what to do.
Re: I need help.
Why did you rush into a relationship with this man? I think I know why - he made a lot of promises and told you what you wanted to hear when your own marriage was busted and you were feeling lonely. It appears as though you missed all the red flags in the beginning of your relationship because you were so "head over heels" for this man based on what he said to you.
Now you have a history and know that his actions don't equal his words. I think it would be in your best interested to separate from this man/relationship and seek out individual counseling for yourself. Learn to take care of yourself and your children before you jump into another relationship with a man who makes empty promises.
You've already given up so much of your time and yourself - can you imagine a lifetime of doing this without getting anything out of the relationship? You'll look back and realize you've wasted your entire life. Hell you've already wasted a year and a half.
There are men that can bring 100% of themselves to a relationship and treat you with respect. They may not tell you what you want to hear or take care of you, but that's where doing work on yourself comes in. You'll be able to take care of YOURSELF.
>>>Now you have a history and know that his actions don't equal his words. I think it would be in your best interested to separate from this man/relationship and seek out individual counseling for yourself. Learn to take care of yourself and your children before you jump into another relationship with a man who makes empty promises.>>>
This.
I'm a firm believer that you need to be completely out of one relationship before starting the other. You need to give yourself time for closure and recovery before embarking on a new relationship.
It sounds like you are in a situation that is unhealthy and not making you happy. If you make the decision to leave, be on your own for a while. You don't need to be in a relationship to be happy.
Sounds like a classic case of infatuation. Stop seeing this guy; he isn't in it for the long run, to put it politely.
And as for you: therapy. You need to find out why you jumped into a relationship with somebody who isn't right for you.
Drop this guy and then call a moratorium on dating and make it a long one; you need to act with prudency once you're freshly divorced and also because there are kids involved.
This guy is no prize. He is insecure, a little batty (??? jealous of a kiddo??) He permits his daughter to use him as a doormat and he has a possible substance addiction. Dude, run like HELL. Good luck.
I think you're finding out some of the reasons he's been married twice already.
Wave goodbye to this one. He sounds like an immature spoiled child.
Yikes, thank God you haven't married him yet!
Leave, like today, and cut your losses.
Focus on being the best mom to your kids. Give them a stable home environment free of the drama they've experienced for the past x months.
Don't go looking for another prince charming. Hopefully you'll come to the understanding that when someone says totally unrealistic things way too early in a relationship, you'll see red flags and run the other direction.
Your heart is so invested? Barf.
Can you post a list here of things you truly love about this jackhole? I bet it won't be longer than the list you just posted of things you hate about him.
I can't "ditto" enough most of what has already been said. Leave him, don't date anyone for a LONG time. Figure yourself out, be the best mom you can be for your kids, and stop worrying about having a man in your life.
Your post drips of overromanticized drivel. You wanted to be swept off your feet, so you were. And now you're back in the real world. Ditto on the barf over your heart being 'so invested'.
What does that even mean?
How about investing your heart into YOURSELF and getting help for YOURSELF and in turn for your kids??
Honestly that's what makes me shake my head the most - you took your kids from one bad situation RIGHT into another w/o taking a moment to breathe. THAT IS NOT GOOD FOR THEM. AT ALL.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
This is a guy who is clearly set in his ways and WILL NOT change for anyone. Get out. Your heart, invested or not, will get over this. There is a man out there who will treat you well.
There are so many red flags in this
1. He manipulated you into getting a divorce. I am sure the divorce was needed or else it wouldn't have happened but he basically put on a nice guy act until this was all done.
2. He lets his daughter run everything
3. He can't handle emotions
4. Extremely selfish
5. Immaturity. Why the hell is a grown man so focused on making his ex jealous??
6. Why has this guy been married and divorced so many times? Is it because of how he is? He just seems like not so nice of person so I would be worried about staying with him.
7. With two marriages under his belt it seems that you are not the only person that fell hard and fast for him and he fell hard and fast for.
I could care less, it's his child and he can do what he wants, but the way he's raising her is going to cost him dearly later.
And please realize... if you stay w/ him (do you live /w him?), you WILL need to care about this because it's absolutely going to continue to have an impact on you and your relationship with him.
PLUS, he is/would be some kind of father figure to your kids. Can you really say that this is a GOOD figure? If he has 3 kids and CLEARLY favors one over the other 2, then your kids have NO chance with him.
THEY DON'T DESERVE THAT.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Tack onto these qualities "a possible drug addict." Run fast and run hard for that reason alone.
And Ugh... wtf? you are jealous of his child? Weird weird weird. Run like hell.
This. To quote the song, sometimes love just ain't enough. And it doesn't sound like there's a lot of love here anyway. If this was your daughter, what would you tell her to do?
It seems like it's impossible to get out now. But there are men out there who would be infinitely better than this guy. I second PP, though, who suggest that you put a moritorium on dating for a good long while. You don't need someone to take care of you- this isn't the eighteenth century!!! YOU take care of you, and then find someone who can support that!
Your biggest mistake so far is getting involved with someone while you were still married. Separated doesn't count.
Your next biggest mistake will be staying with him. So don't.