Is being a Mommy for me???

coffeebreak28

Hello All!  I am a new user to The Nest and am very excited to get some honest advice from some fabulous ladies.  My boyfriend of almost 10 years (in July) and I have been very happy just being together.  But now that I am in my early 30's, I have decided that I am ready for the marriage commitment.  Although he is jaded about the idea of marriage (having grown up with many divorces and step-moms and dads in his life), he is open to discussing the idea--which led to the topic of kids.  He definately does NOT want kids.  I am unsure about the topic.  I am an elementary school teacher and get lots of satisfying kid-time at work.  But I also enjoy going home to a quiet adult home.  On one hand I don't feel like I would be fulfilled without having a child of my own--but maybe that's because that's what women "are supposed to do."  (Get married, have kids, etc.)  He is being very fair and up-front and I want to do the same.  How does a girl know if she's mommy material??

marriedlady25

Ask yourself questions: If your boyfriend wanted children would you know without hesitation that you'd want to have kids?  Have you ever thought about wanting kids at any time of your life?  Or has the idea of children never made you happy?

I know I want to have children because I've wanted to my whole life; I've always wanted my own big family and I love the idea of raising my own children to be great, successful, good people.  I'd rather sacrifice my own luxuries to ensure my children have a wonderful education/upbringing.  I know I would feel empty if I was 80 with no adult kids.  That's how I know I want to be a mother.

You really just have to be honest with yourself about what you've wanted.  Would you rather be free to do what you want when you want your whole life?  Figure out your priorities in life and be true to yourself.  

icky&nikki2

So am  a mother of 2, my first is my son i had before my marriage and the other is my husbands. (so now he is mine when figuring out if you want kids, you have to think of everything that comes with it. Are you willing to give up focusing on just you and your spouse and always putting someone else first? Being a mother is a privilege, and not just anyone should have kids. So many people have kids these days just because they want one, and then dont take responsibility for their child. You have to have patience, time, and plenty of love. Its hard being a mother, but it is one of the greatest things in the world. But the biggest advice i would give a couple, if you do get married, spend some time being married and just the two of yall settling in and at least give it a year. I love my children with all my heart, but it would have been amazing to have gotten to spend a couple of years just me and my husband. Those years are important, and before you make a huge decision of bringing someone else in to the world you have to make sure that is something your spouse wants, if not it only leads to divorce and a broken home. and that is harder than anyone could imagine. And if you want kids and your spouse doesnt....well that is a hard decision, but one for you to have to decide.      

Kimbus22

coffeebreak28:

Hello All!  I am a new user to The Nest and am very excited to get some honest advice from some fabulous ladies.  My boyfriend of almost 10 years (in July) and I have been very happy just being together.  But now that I am in my early 30's, I have decided that I am ready for the marriage commitment.  Although he is jaded about the idea of marriage (having grown up with many divorces and step-moms and dads in his life), he is open to discussing the idea--which led to the topic of kids.  He definately does NOT want kids.  I am unsure about the topic.  I am an elementary school teacher and get lots of satisfying kid-time at work.  But I also enjoy going home to a quiet adult home.  On one hand I don't feel like I would be fulfilled without having a child of my own--but maybe that's because that's what women "are supposed to do."  (Get married, have kids, etc.)  He is being very fair and up-front and I want to do the same.  How does a girl know if she's mommy material??

This is what you focus on.  If that is really how you feel, then don't get married and don't waste any more time with a man who doesn't want what you want.  But if you think about it and decide that's just how you think you SHOULD feel, then get married.

I personally loved my life before having a kid.  I love it now too, for different reasons.  I don't mind giving up that quiet adult time because once DS is grown, I'll have it back.  And in the meantime, I have hugs and kisses and snuggles.  (And crying, diapers and toys that I constantly stub my toes on.)  It's a lifetime decision but it's doesn't mean the life you have now is gone for good, just that it's going to be different.  Like with everything else in life, you go through cycles and changes and you adapt.

heathervisser

I'm not sure if I want kids. My fiance and I have rarely discussed the topic. Maybe down the road when people start to bug us and that other people start having kids around us, maybe parent instints will kick in. I dont know of anyone who has babies or kids so i'm not prone to it like I was when I was younger and when I had my babysitting jobs.Feelings change with time.  

Dont AskMeAgain

You definitely have to figure out what's more important in life. If you are having these unsure thoughts now, it's only going to magnify when you get older & you can't have kids naturally anymore or when your friends start to have kids. If he is telling you he definitely doesn't want to have kids, I know leaving a 10 year relationship is hard, but if you "might" want to have kids in the future you need to leave. If you don't it's going to put a strain on your relationship & in the end you are going to resent him for it. Good luck in whatever you decide.

Cincygirl1

To be honest, I would first start by asking yourself, is marriage for you?  From your post, I am getting that you want to get married and your boyfriend does not.  You should work on that obstacle before ever considering a child.  I know you're 'getting older', but are you setting aside your own feelings for the sake of his?  If that's the case, you're 'getting older' and maybe it's time for you and him to sit down with a pre-marital counselor and try to discuss his reservations.  Like him, I came from a broken household, multiple step parents, and I began to have reservations about getting married, but I realized that those negative experiences actually turned in to positive experiences in my own relationship. We also discussed this in our pre-marital counseling. Because of our pasts with our own families, we purposely live unlike them, and constantly work at our marriage.  Marriage is never easy- but neither is sharing a child with an ex.  Every relationship is different and (I hope that I am not intruding) it is my belief that you should really focus on confirming your relationship before doing anything else.  You ARE still young!

white318

I had to make this decision years ago.  What I had to ask myself was whether I could see myself being happy with my husband (and no children) for the rest of my life... or whether I could see myself being happy without the man I loved more than anything and trying to find another man who wanted children.  I was happy just being with him and knew that I could be content not having children if he did not change his mind.  Now in my case he did change his mind... but I had to decide what was more important to me.  (My husband had children from a previous relationship and felt he was happy with the family he already had... and wasn't ready for the baby stages again). 

If he is not sure about marriage, you need to be on the same page as well.  Only continue the relationship if you are okay with just being together and never having children.  If you want marriage and kids, you need to move on.  You cannot change someone... nor should you settle and resent him for the rest of your lives together.