Trouble in Paradise
mt12345
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Is DH selfish or am I shallow?
DH and I have been together 11 years (married 3 yrs). We were both in school and had no money so we waited long until we finish school to get married. We have always know that we will get married and he always promised to get me an ring when we graduate. Well I graduated first and work 100s of hours to pay for the expensive wedding. I never got a proposal or a ring when he graduated. Mind you that he makes pretty good money and will spend thousands on his toys and entertainment. I never think I was a materialistic person and its not something I will have to have. Just recently I have been thinking about a lot of things in the past and realized that he will spend anything on himself but will not do the same for me or anyone else. Just the thought that he never made an effort to do anything for me made me feel really cheap. Am I expecting to much?
Re: Is DH selfish or am I shallow?
No you are not expecting too much. I imagine you guys being 11 years into a relationship that you have talked about this right? And I mean you being completely straightforward.
I understand that there are guys who are just not romantic or into big gestures but he takes it to another level. Yes I'm sorry but he sounds extremely selfish.
Whoa, hang tough.... lots of couples never have a formal proposal. A lot of them discuss marriage and agree to marry and then set a date.
It all depends on you/the couple and what you want.
Here's your problem...what I have highlighted:
Your problem is he is selfish.
And he has not put you first.
I am pretty sure you've known for the past 11 years about his cheapness problem. When you saw that he was cheap, that's when you should have moved on.
He most certainly should have gotten you a ring, if that is what you wanted. I have a big problem with a guy who doesn't put his mate's desires first and foremostly and a bigger one with a guy who spends on himself and doesn't give a hoot about what his mate wants.
Communicate with him.
I would sit down and tell him that you've done a lot of thinking and you'd really like your engagement ring, "posthumously." (I know of a few couples where the spouse bought the ering after the marriage; it wasn't a matter of what he could afford; the H in question was wealthy and somehow they never got around to shopping for a ring for her -- both had been married before; I don't know the nuances about why the delay happened but yes, she still got her ring)
Tell him 'Honey, I'd really like the e-ring that you and I never got around to purchasing. It would be great if we could start shopping for it now." Put a positive spin on it. If this guy doesn't take the hint..... I'd seriously rethink him.
This is also a character issue. He promised you something and he did not uphold his promise. That's bad news.
Then again, the very off chance exists that he somehow never got around to getting you a ring and maybe he feels funny about bringing it up "at this late stage" or he's too embarrassed to encroach the topic. Maybe he thinks you've changed your mind and you don't want the ering anymore.
He won't know what's what until you sit down and talk to him about this. As always, communication is key.:)
Btt if none of the above is the case, I see a big problem here with providing you with what you want and upholding a promise he made to you. The ering you did not get is not the issue; the issue is that your desires and what you wanted was not taken into account. He needs to get with the program on this and pronto. And if he does not, very bad news. Good luck.
This. I believe that my DH and I communicate very effectively. However there are times that I have to spell out what I want or need because he is NOT a mind reader. I admit that, at times, I get upset when he doesn't do something I want...when I haven't asked. Then I'm not being fair to my DH.
So ask him for a ring and make a date to go shopping. If he declines, I agree with this>>>>I see a big problem here with providing you with what you want and upholding a promise he made to you. The ering you did not get is not the issue; the issue is that your desires and what you wanted was not taken into account. He needs to get with the program on this and pronto. And if he does not, very bad news. Good luck.>>>>
The OP may be saying that he never bent down on one knee in front of an audience and asked her hand in marriage. Maybe she never received the stereotypical proposal?
That's old school to me but then again, to each his own.
Get what you want.
You know the drill: buy what you can afford.And consider other routes to buy what you can afford: diamond districts, estate sales, even pawn shops -- you could buy the ring for the diamond; get the ring appraised; get the setting melted down and fashioned to the setting you like and want or buy a new one elsewhere.:)
You are not shallow and I am not completely convinced that he is selfish.
But this is not about an engagement ring.
There are some serious money issues in your relationship. You seem to have strong feelings of resentment at his spending habits. Your post has the overtone of "We are both working so hard, but he seems to spend his money on himself, and I am paying for other things that should be joint."
Perhaps sitting down with your budget and formulating a plan where both of you contribute to the joint accounts (retirement, down payment, Efund, vacation) but both of you have money to do things just for you. You need to have a straightforward discussion about what is important to each of you, because you guys may not be on the same page. I have a feeling
About the engagement ring, just tell him. "You know honey, we have always known that we wanted to be together, so we skipped some of the formalities. I have realized that it would mean a lot to me to have an engagement ring from you. I would like to (help pick it out/have you surprise me with it). Again, this is really important to me. I need you to take the lead on this. My feelings would be very hurt if you didn't take this seriously." There is no way he is missing that one.
Finally, you guys should read "The 5 Love Languages". It does a great job of helping you identify HOW you receive love from another person. Sometimes, we are doing things for our loved one that we are sure must show every ounce of love we feel for them (buying them cool gifts, making their favorite meals, lots of hugging and touching) BUT the other person doesn't see those actions as expressions of love and therefore may not feel loved (they may want words of praise or quality time). It is like broadcasting your radio show on one frequency, but your partner is tuned to another station.
Once you figure out your own "love language" and that of your partner, the two of you can be sure to showing your love for each other in a way that the other can receive. I have a feeling that you and your husband may be missing each other's love language and that is causing some really hard feelings.
Who sez you need a proposal?
If you've agreed to get married, you've agreed to get married. If you have discussed marriage and you both agree to get married, you do not need a proposal. It's already a done deal.
And lots of couples agree to marry and never have a proposal. So wot "you're stupid"? Shut off yer caps by the way BECAUSE IT IS ANNOYING!!!!
I mean, I proposed during sex, so I'm not saying that you have to be old school. The issue is that she seems to have really wanted that, so from the proposal on she's been letting him not care what she wants.
Proud Newbie Gardener