Trouble in Paradise
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Just need to vent...
My fiance' and I have been together for three years now. We have a beautiful 18-month old little girl. Recently, it has become more and more apparent to me how unhappy I am. I'm not sure if it because I am highly stressed out and have a million things going on, or because I'm just truly not happy anymore. We got into a heated argument where he expressed his feelings to me and apparently, he's feeling the same way. There are so many things we are trying to balance: school, work, terrible two's and buying a home. Is this something that everyone experiences or am I just done? I really can't make the decision for myself. What's wrong with me? I feel so confused and alone. I try to pretend that we have such an amazing relationship which makes it hard to talk to friends and family. I'm just not getting the attention I need. Does that make me selfish? I absolutely love my child, but I need "adult time" (I'm a full-time stay at home mother). What to do, what to do?
Re: Just need to vent...
Honestly, you are trying to handle too much. I think one of the biggest stressors to a marriage is having a child. And as a SAHM, it is REALLY hard and overwhelming on top of all the other things you've added to your plate.
My suggestions... you need to both sit down and discuss the things that are really bugging you. Maybe put the house thing on hold unless it is necessary right this minute. It is so hard to connect when you are both exhausted and stressed. One of the things I started to do was telling my DH that he could help me by doing A or B and letting him choose. It would help take something off my to-do list...and it made me feel loved and it helped me feel less stressed. Also... after being clung to all day by a needy toddler, the last thing I wanted after DS went to bed was to be touched by DH! So... that was hard too! Does DH value what you do? I know that helped me too...my DH always said that I had the tougher job. And if you guys can't seem to come to plan and communicate better by yourselves... get into counseling. Why not?
Hang in there. Keep communicating, make sure to get some alone time together and just making sure he knows how you feel without placing blame.
People weren't kidding when they say sometimes couples just have rough patches. But you have to work through the rough patches
First of all I think you need stop being over-dramatic and look at the situation REALISTICALLY.
If you are a SAHM that means the "we" trying to balance school/work is actually only your FI?
That means you BOTH of you have a million things going on- not just you! Have you even acknowldeged that your FI must be super stressed too or is this all just about you?
And why the f*** are you trying to buy a house now when he isn't out of school yet?
I think you need to take a good look at your situation before buying a house or even getting married.
You are obviously young, had a child VERY early into your relationship and honestly, it seems like you ARE still somewhat selfish, especially if you think you are the only one having a hard time and can only think about yourself in this situation. No wonder your FI told you he is also feeling unhappy- he is supporting you and all you can do is complain?
This right here, is my BIGGEST FEAR about bringing children into a marriage. I admire couples who can make a relationship and parenting work, i truly do.
Hang in there. From what parents have been saying since forever, these feelings are normal and all a part of adjusting to a new dynamic in your relationship.
Until you get these issues straightened out, put the wedding date on hold.
You need time to yourself? Find yourself a reliable, good and affordable baby sitter and go for it.
There are still tons of high school girls and college kids who will do it; I'm sure you can ask the other mothers for a referral or referrals.
What you need to do:
Communicate.
You and he need to have another at length talk. Have somebody watch the kiddo for an afternoon on the weekend and then you and he sit down and have an honest, no holds barred talk.
Counseling would be a great suggestion.
What's happening here is that over the past 3 years you are trying to cram pretty much everything in: having a child, planning a wedding and buying a home together. All 3 are stressful and taxing, not to mention a financial steep hill.
Maybe you can put the home on hold until you are in a more stable and better financial position to buy; kids and educations are expensive.
Ask him if he wants to work on bettering your relationship; make counseling a must.
If counseling doesn't work and this is a case of your relationship running its course (that is a possibility also: that this relationship might be over), it's better the both of you separate, call the wedding off, and go your separate ways. You and he need to give your child the best life possible.
Better she has 2 parents happy and living apart than 2 parents who are still living together and who are both miserable living together.
Yeah slow down if possible. Try to enjoy these major life changes instead of rushing through them. My DH even postponed our wedding by a year, because we would have had to plan a wedding, change job, and move during the same time. We didn't want to feel like we had to have a wedding just to have a wedding - we wanted to actually enjoy the process.
Talk to your DH. Ask him if he feels overwhelmed and say that you do too, and that you'd like to discuss what can be put on hold for awhile so you both can have a breather. He will probably be so grateful.
You say "we" are balancing having a child, work, and school, but it seems like YOU are balancing child care (which is not easy), and HE is balancing school and work. Of course he is going to be tired and stressed and not interested in "playing" (either with you or the baby). That is a LOT!!!
The one thing you can ABSOLUTELY take off of your plate is buying a home. Your fi isn't even finished with school! My dh and I were older, out of school, both had great jobs, and still rented until our DD was older before we purchased a house.
While I think that marriage should be an equal partnership and parents should make time for each other, I do think you are being unfair if your fi is working and going to school to build a future for the family. You can't depend on him for all of your adult time. Join a Meetup Mom's group or Welcome Wagon or Newcomers and meet adult (women) friends that way. See if your H's school has a spouses or married students club. See if you can join a playgroup or sitting co-op so that you can get out. Even if you are short on $$, there are free or low-cost activities like the park, library story time, church activities, etc.
I completely see that being a SAH mom can leave you stressed and feeling unappreciated. You and your fi are BOTH working hard. But it seems to me that you are trying to get your fi to "make you happy," or "give you a social life." You need to do that on your own. It CAN be done
Without reading the other replies....................
STOP the home buying process with this man IMMEDIATELY. You two need to sit down, talk, and figure out WTF you want before you make yet another commitment (beyond engagement and a child) to one another. COMMUNICATE!!!!!