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"Not exactly cheating" but full blown lying...
So my guy and I have been together for 8 months. I live with him and his 3 boys. Recently he came home and said he needed to talk... IE. Spill his guts on his "not exactly cheating" situation at hand. I knew something was up due to him having a hulkish attitude for the past 2 months.
His ex (a girl he dated for a year) had recently threated him to contact me if he didn't dump me and go back to her... Which wouldn't be a big deal if he hadn't been lying to me about their relationship for the past 8 months.
From the beginning... I found a text in Vegas one night 6 mo. ago while going to set the alarm (it was the last thing on his screen when I opened the phone- I swear I wasn't snooping) It said I will always love you but and that was it. I understand he was wasted blah blah blah no excuse... The man is 40 Come on... I gave him a pass on it after I brought it up to him the next day and he apologized uncontrollably and said he'd spend the rest of our relationship making it up to me. He doesn't feel that way, shes crazy... etc...
Unbeknownst to me and going against promises he made, he has continued to talk to her for the past 8 months due to a portion of his income being put under her name and having to file taxes in April so he claimed he was playing nice and then she attempted suicide and went into a psych ward for 8 days so he felt the need to continue to be nice after he filed taxes. About 3 weeks ago he text her and asked to get together at the end of the summer after an argument we had gotten into about the kids (3 of the them) and a conversation I had with them. We disagreed on a huge subject in regards to the convo combined with him constantly being an ass for the past 2 months I started to doubt if this is what I wanted and I did express that to him. That day he text her and asked to get together at the end of the summer, after we had another conversation that same night we decided to work it out and talked about everything and what we needed from each other to continue this relationship.
I thought everything was peachy after that, until he sat me down last week and laid it all out... My concern isn't that he loves me. He takes care of me, he does unselfish acts constantly, very thoughtful. The kids and I all have a fantastic relationship. We've lived together for 8 months. Talked about marriage and another baby etc. I do doubt a few things number one his integrity. His honesty. The fact that he doesn't feel as if he was cheating (but understands his lying). He constantly was typing someone and deliberately hiding it-erasing every message. When he finally came clean with it- it was because he was threatened by her contacting me... Which she did by calling my work 1 day after he told me.
I'm a truly forgiving, loving person by nature. I'll make excuses left and right to defend some one even if I know its wrong. I'm very confused because of this.
Can I trust him again? SHOULD I??? Is one chance after a mess up too much already? I'm divorced once before- I don't want to settle... 3 kids with a sneaking dad is baggage I know but is it worth it?
Re: "Not exactly cheating" but full blown lying...
If this is not MUD then you are a total idiot
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
This is emotional cheating...while its "not exactly" physical cheating isnt it just as bad?
This is not reassuring...if hes only telling you because he was backed into a corner, what else is he not telling you?
So two months into your relationship you went on a trip to vegas and found this and still proceeded to move in with him? Or did you already live with him at this point?...either way, major red flags were going on here and it sounds like you had blinders on. Not to mention, hes 40 and making excuses like a teenager.
How is exaclty is his income under her name?? That sounds a little odd...
How did you think everything was peachy?? Again, major red flags and indicators this has been going on with this woman...plus has three children that he let you move in with after a short period of time. He sounds like a really irresponsible dad and man (if you can even call him that despite being 40). And again, he is cheating, emotionally and not just that, the lying. He has proven that he will do it over and over again and only fess up when forced to, otherwise be perfectly content lying and living a double life.
Should you trust him--no. Hopefully you dont need us to tell you that. He has three kids already and being shady with another ex and lying to you and being completely irresponsible and acting like a teenager. Do you really want to be with a man who has these kinds of values, let alone have a child with him!?
Based on this, you need to say goodbye to this guy:
His ex (a girl he dated for a year) had recently threated him to contact me if he didn't dump me and go back to her... Which wouldn't be a big deal if he hadn't been lying to me about their relationship for the past 8 months.
To put it simply, a liar is not the man for you.
It does not matter what he lied about at this point. The point of it all is he LIED. THere is no honesty in this relationship and honesty is crucial in any relationship, whether it's a romantic one, one that is a friendship or one with a coworker.
You are dating him a grand total of 8 months: MUCH MUCH TOO FAST when kids are involved. At the 8 month stage, he should be introducing you to the kids, not having you move the heck in.
When you are somebody who has kids, it is crucial to move slowly. Kids have trust issues and attachment issues.... please don't tell me that you're a babysitter, a cook, a chauffer for the kids, a mother-confessor and an overall stooge while this guy is dicking you around because he cannot let go of this other chick.
This is weird, too:
Unbeknownst to me and going against promises he made, he has continued to talk to her for the past 8 months due to a portion of his income being put under her name and having to file taxes in April
And it may also be ILLEGAL. Based on this, who needs this guy? WHY is part of his income under her name??? WOW, do you ever need to get rid of this guy and NOW!
Dump him and do it now -- move the hell out posthaste --- and get yourself a therapist. You are critically low on self esteem if you think it's okay to tolerate a boyfriend who lies to you.
He is not a great guy. He does NOT "take care of you." He's a pushover, spineless wimp who does NOT put you first....
And you're thinking of marrying this guy and having another baby.
Good grief.
And as for the constant unselfish acts and how thoughtful he is.... let us not go there.
Dump him and do it NOW. There is nothing here to love.
PS: Since she is not the mother of his kids, there is zero need for him to contact her and vice versa.
She should be a thing of the past. No contact, just a "Marie was my girlfriend before I met you" and that's all.
And since she was not clear out of the picture, you had no business dating this wimp. Boy do you need a therapist and fast.
Not to mention he positively SUCKS as a father -- he has his girlfriend move in after how long -- and he's letting his kids get exposure to what is a shot to hell and dysfunctional relationship, not to mention expose them to a cute little love triangle. Kids KNOW when things are wrong at home.
Where did you dig this creep UP? Do tell.
I can only imagine what the backstory is with the mother of his kids/ex wife, and why she broke up with him. THat story must be something to behold for sure.
Together for 8 months, and living together for 8 months?! Did you have your first date and move in that same night? "Nice to meet you, here's your key" kinda thing?
This is freakin insane.
I don't think the OP was clear about how long she has been living with him but geez, to move in by the 8 month mark is insane. Moving way too fast when kids are involved.
Willing to bet the wimp BF is using her as a nanny for the kids. There is nothing honorable and sincere about his intentions for her; he has lied to her and broken promises and that money thing? Very weird and like I said, how do we know if it is even legal?
And that he can't seem to get over the former gf and make sure she was out of the picture long before he began to date others? Very bad.
2 months in when you saw this
From the beginning... I found a text in Vegas one night 6 mo. ago while going to set the alarm (it was the last thing on his screen when I opened the phone- I swear I wasn't snooping) It said I will always love you but and that was it.
would have been an excellent time to say goodbye to him. What do you mean "you understand he was wasted"??? And why was he wasted? No full grown man with any common sense or self control gets wasted.
He's a big fat zero -- and when I think of how is is not being the best father he can be, nor is he giving his 3 children the best life they can have --- he uses you as a doormat, not to mention he had no business having you move in so early, or letting you meet the kids so early --- disgraceful. He doesn't even qualify as a human being, let alone qualify as a dad and man.
Going by the OP, "Nice to meet you, here's your key" is pretty much what happened. I won't start up about how stupid that is, because I don't have the energy. But it's pretty f**king stupid.
ETA: We can't even use f v c k i n g anymore? What gives?
THe unselfish acts constantly is what's blown me away.
I love how the BF is such a good father, never mind the fact that if he WAS a good father OP wouldn't even have met his kids yet.
OP, kids need consistency and structure, and to know that their parents put them first. Anyone who puts their need to shack up with the newest flavour ahead of the needs of his kids is NOT a good father. When you break up (as is likely- statistics and all that) there will be upheaval in the kids' lives. And all because daddy was selfish.
If he's going behind your back just to meet this chick, I can assure you, the ONLY reason why he didn't confess to sleeping with her is because he didn't get caught sleeping with her. I've dated this guy before-"only being nice, because she's crazy", "only meeting her because she threatened suicide", etc? Yeah. Been there, dumped that. He's full of sh!t.
She's probably crazy, I'll give him that much, but he's still in love with her, and he's still sleeping with her. If he really didn't want to sneak around with her, he wouldn't be sneaking around with her. Period. Quit trying to fool yourself into believing he's some sort of victim here. He knows exactly what he's doing.
And P.S. He's 40 years old. This is who he is, it's not going to change.
I'm more than willing to start validating people's ideas when they start having ideas worth validating
OMG! This!
I could barely read the original post...like a very BAD Lifetime movie. OP, where is the little common sense voice inside your head that is supposed to be telling you to RUN???
Forgive me, I think my head may explode.
You need some serious help -- WHY are you choosing such a guy and thinking of him as a great catch? RUN - and run fast as you can out of there!
Cut your losses and go; thank your lucky stars you didn't marry this jerk.
Of course he will be upset. He's having his cake and eating it too with "former gf" and he's got a nice maid, culinary, cleaning and nanny service with you. The best of both worlds...and you -- and she --- are both taking the bait.
Oye.
I stopped reading here:
So my guy and I have been together for 8 months. I live with him and his 3 boys
Just.....no.
Not to mention I do not advocate living together where there are kiddoes involved, not even if you are with him 8 YEARS, let alone 8 months.
The fact that you moved too too too fast is already bad news. As I said, at the 8 month mark, that is when you should be MEETING his kids, not already be living with them.
"3 kids with a sneaking dad is baggage I know but is it worth it?"
Sometimes the last sentence of a post is the most interesting.
OP, since you need a push: No, no it's not worth it. You need to value yourself enough to be with a person who doesn't think you are a moron. He thinks you're a moron because he has discovered he can treat you like crap over and over again and get away with it. You are playing house while your boyfriend has the thrill of seeking a woman outside of the house, and he might never lose that thirst for adventure. He's not a man, he's a 40-year-old-teenager.
He's almost certainly sleeping with her already, and telling her he loves her. That's why she's demanding he dump you.
Even if I'm wrong, all the other crap you mentioned should have made you flee a long time ago.
This.