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I think it's over....so confused, tired
I think my marriage is over. I'm not really sure as there are so many things going through my head right now and this has happened a dozen times. It hasn't been over in the past when it's happened so I'm questioning if things will be different tomorrow or not or if this time it's really it.
Hope you don't mind me venting and writing about it here but I just don't know where else to go. I've always found writing about things or talking has helped me sort through things. I have a few friends I could talk to but to afraid he might hear the conversation or find out and make it into something it's not. So I found this board and thought, heck why not. If it keeps me sane for tonight and helps me get through till morning what do I have to loose.
So tonight he got mad at me. It doesn't really matter what it was about, I think it was over something silly but to him it wasn't and I respect that. I don't expect us to go without disagrements, it's bound to happen. What I'm tired of is the outcome. When my husband gets mad, 9 out of 10 times he pulls the marriage card. That's what I call it. He say that's it's over. Most times he'll try and make it seem like it's something I want. For example, he'll ask a question, I'll answer, he'll say "you want to go there, blah blah blah, well then let's sell the house, split everything and go our own ways, is that what you want?" God forbid if I take him seriously and start packing, walk away or say fine....that makes it worse.
At no time did I even go there. I'm beginning to wonder since this happens everytime he gets mad if it's something he really wants but he's to chicken to talk to me about it calmly. Should I take him seriously and just pack up and go sometime he's not home? I don't really want to but sometimes think I should to prove a point to him. However, he would somehow hold it against me and make it my fault.
The other thing that happens when he gets mad at me is he always brings up the past, things I did wrong according to him or that he wasn't happy with. He also brings up what he does that I don't do to hold it over my head. For example he works overtime and makes more $$ then me. Money is a always brought up when he starts to argue with me, even if that's not what it started out with. So he even though I work more hours in a regular work week than him because I don't make as much as him I have to do more, get another job and all the money issues are my fault.
I just don't know what to do. Any advice or input would be appreciated. Ultimately the decision will have to be made by me but having someone ask questions that I haven't asked myself yet, or point out something I'm missing might be helpful.
I want to thank anyone who reads this in advance. You can't begin to understand how much it means to me. Espescially since it feels like I have no where to turn right now without making the situation worse.
Re: I think it's over....so confused, tired
I'm sorry you are going through this. That's really no way to live. Bringing up past things is not playing fair. Just because you make less doesn't mean you don't contribute. That's faulty thinking on his part.
Maybe you should spend some time away with family or friends to sort out what you want. But I urge you to not officially leave until you have a chance to get legal advice. Make sure you know your rights.
Good luck and take care.
Before you leave consult a lawyer, leaving the home could work against you. Get your finances together, have a plan, and don't be the one forced from your home. An option is to get some counseling for yourself, it will make you stronger to deal with the changes in your life. He might be a jerk who wants you to leave so he isn't the bad guy, this is not your job to make him not the bad guy. One thing do not make a threat to leave and then stay it will just show him you are not serious. If you leave don't go back unless there are real changes and you have proof on them. (words are not enough)
Looking at your ticker, are you still trying to conceive with this guy?
I'm not trying to add insult to injury but wow, he's immature.
And he's got a problem communicating like an adult. This is like a little kid taking his toys and going home, or holding his breath to get his parents upset.
And I am sure he was like this before you got married.
What you need to do:
Sit down with this guy when he's calm cool and collected and when you and he both have time to talk at length. Tell him with no holds barred that you're tired of the way he presents himself when he gets upset and that it has to stop --- and make counseling for the both of you and anger management (yes, he needs it) for him a MUST for the marriage to continue. Tell him point blank that this marriage is automatically over if he does not readily comply with your request -- and then stand behind it.
He says no to any or all of the above, it's goodbye --- why should you walk on eggs around this guy, in addition to listening to him holla wolf every time he gets his bats on? Who wants to live like that?
Stop TTC with this guy, immedialely There are too many problems right now for you and he to even consider bringing a kiddo into the picture.
This guy is little more than a kid himself. He's got horrifiic maturity problems.
Do not tolerate this at all whatsoever: unfair to you, immature of him and wow, what kind of respect is this for a mate -- it also borders on abusive, IMO:
He also brings up what he does that I don't do to hold it over my head. For example he works overtime and makes more $$ then me. Money is a always brought up when he starts to argue with me, even if that's not what it started out with. So he even though I work more hours in a regular work week than him because I don't make as much as him I have to do more, get another job and all the money issues are my fault.
He also has a problem getting it that his money + your money = OUR money. If you were employed and he was unemployed, the salary you bring in is yours and his. And vice versa. Or whatever the circumstances are, it is OUR MONEY.
Is this guy from another culture? or is he just an azz that just can't get it that the money automatically is yours AND his???
As I said, DO NOT tolerate this bullshit. It's bordering on abusive.
Counseling for the both of you and anger management for him. That's one battle: I am not certain how a counselor and anger management coach will get this guy to grow up. That would take a miracle.
If he refuses counseling, or goes begrudgingly or goes to counseling and will not actively work on his problems, I'd seriously consider packing it in and going out the door. This will chip away at your self esteem little by little and you sure do not want that.
ANd if you decide to go, contact an attorney first. You need to get your financial ducks in a row, along with other issues that are legal ones - and when that's ready, file.
Wishing you luck with this. Hope you get these problems resolved to your satisfaction.
PS: your H has 2 kids by another relationship? Sheesh....I sure hope that they are not around to hear any of this bullshit. This is positively the last thing kids need to hear: kids should not be hearing any of these arguments and the most certainly don't need a dysfunctional home to grow up in. For the sake of your marriage and for the sake of the kids, he needs to stop using you as a doormat and stop arguing with you like he's a kid himself.
I'm sorry but to threaten divorce or separation every time you have a disagreement is incredibly immature. Do you mind me asking your ages? Not that it really matters....no matter what your ages this is not how you treat your spouse.
My husband makes upwards of $60,000/year and except for a 4 month stint at a temporary job, I have been unemployed for over a year. He NEVER throws this in my face. He is loving and supportive and encouraging which is what a relationship should be. Even when I was working I mad less than him by quite a bit and he has NEVER made me feel inferior for this.
I'm sorry but your husband, IMO, is an immature, insensitive douche. He should be supportive of you and he should not be threatening divorce during every arguement. And bringing up the past is also immature. If he's already forgiven and moved on (truely) he would not be bringing it up.
IMO you two need couples counseling stat. I won't say to leave him because that doesn't sound to be what you want. It sounds like you love him and want to be with him but u two have a ton to work on and I think getting outside help would make that possible. Have you suggested counseling?
You are not alone. I am dealing with a similar case with my new husband. I DID leave with a packed bag (left him dinner with a note). I came home the next day -he called sick into work and waited for me to come home. Everything was good for about 3 days. Then his depression and irritability started up again. We have both calmly discussed our love and relationship and divorce (we both have decided that even with the mess we're dealing with, we will be staying together for the time being). I am seeing a counseler. He is considering it. Most peope get mad for a completely different reason. Is he depressed? He's obviously not happy about something in his life. Is he upset that you don't make the same salary as he does? My husband thinks that I cheated on him 5 years ago when we first got together (I never cheated on anyone, let alone him. I went to a bar with a male friend and slept on his couch because I couldn't drive home.). I get very sick of him accusing me of this after a year of our fighting. It's a ton better than it was a few months ago. we don't scream at eachother anymore. I wish you and your husband luck
Threatening to end the marriage every time you have a disagreement? Making sure you know he feels you are "less than" him in different ways?
This doesn't just border on abuse - it is most definitely emotional abuse.
Go visit family or a girlfriend for a long weekend & think about how you feel when he treats you like this.
Next time he throws a tantrum...take him up on his offer and dont look back. he is an immature jackass.
Thank you to the ladies that ended up reading this back in June.
Just a little update. I didn't have any work lined up for the summer so I took my sister up on an offer to be her live in Nanny for several weeks. This provided me with more income then had I stayed home and a chance to visit with family and give my husband a little time apart. I think it was the best decision. I know a lot of you suggested we have time apart and this gave me that chance.
In addition I have started counselling. I decided to do some counselling on my own first before approaching him about it. I've suggested it to him and we'll see what happens in the next few weeks. He's not to keen on it from a bad past experience.
I've been getting my ducks in row as they say. I figure it doesn't hurt. You never know what could happen and with his ex being the way she is I would hate it if she tried to get something that was rightfully mine, not the boys if something happened to my husband and I was to distraught.
Anyways, it's just a matter of time to get the courage to talk to him about a few things that have come up in the counselling session. I've also been given a few tips/suggestions on how to talk to him, what to say. There's a reason why he pulls his "cards" on me to hit soft spots on me. It is like he is punishing me. It may seem immature but one might say I'm also being immature for letting him do this to me and putting up with it. Over the summer we did seem to work on things regarding pulling the marriage "card" but now it's a whole new "card".
On the baby front, no we are not trying to conceive right now. This is another card he is pulling. He now says he doesn't want to ever try again. This is new since I went away. So the battle continues. I'm giving it some time to figure out what this one is all about and have made up my mind (now got to get my heart to follow) if I don't get the answers/results I want.
Wish me luck. It's not easy. A 10+ year relationship, several years trying to conceive, been through lots and the journeys not over yet.