Trouble in Paradise
TwoGreen81
member
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Any one married to a chef... or other professions who work crazy hours?
How do you deal? My partner and I have been married for about a year now and have been together almost 4 years. I still can't get used to her schedule... mostly her new one. She used to work in a traditional restaurant late hours and wouldn't come home until around 11. Now, she's switched to working at a deli and the hours are absolutely insane. She goes into work at 3 am (sometimes 2) and gets off at 11:30. This would be awesome if I stayed at home but I don't. I work Monday through Friday 8am to 6 and don't get home until 7. 2 hours later, she's already asleep. We have no days off together. The only time i see her is half the day on the weekends and even then, she has to take a nap before we do anything. I feel like our relationship is really suffering. I talk to her about it, she knows how I feel and there really isn't anything we can do I guess. She loves this job and I wouldn't ask her to leave it but I just can't get used to not seeing my partner. Anyone going through this? How do you deal?? I feel like I come 2nd 
Re: Any one married to a chef... or other professions who work crazy hours?
Well, she might like her job, but it sounds like it's at the expense of her relationship since you both are not left with much time to see each other. I think it would be healthy if she investigated other job opportunities to allow you both to see each other more, and at least one day off together per week. Otherwise, you run the risk of your marriage turning into roommates.
Many times one person in the relationship has to make a compromise with job/career, such as when one person is offered a promotion that requires both to relocated to another city, state, or country. If you, for example, have a job in a more specific field that you cannot easily find another job, but she is in restaurant business, I don't think it's unfair to ask her to see if there are other jobs out there. And, you could offer to look to if your career is flexible. But, something's gotta give.
Good luck
Completely agree! You have to make time for the relationship or like previous poster said, you will just become roommates. If you are both committed to the relationship, then you can compromise and work out a schedule that works for you both and makes you happy. Good luck!!!
My first husband was in the Army. Talk about crazy hours! We didn't see one another for months at a time. And he would, on a moment's notice, be gone for days. When we married, he was not in the service, so it was a bit unexpected for me. Then we had a child, and I felt pretty alone most days. We were married for 10 years after he left the service, so it did get better (then worse, and we divorced).
Seriously, can YOU take some time off, work a compressed schedule (4 days of 10 hour days, etc.) I don't think it's fair or healthy to make just one person do the changing, especially if she loves her job. Each person has to give a bit.
If she is not around to see you at all anyway, can she trade some hours with someone and get a weekend day off? Maybe alternate Saturday and Sunday? If this is a job she loves, you obviously don't want to ask her to leave, but maybe she needs to lay it out with whoever is scheduling. If you can get one day home together a week, you can take it from there.
In the mean time, My H and I were working opposite shifts last summer when i was pregnant. We got a notebook an wrote each other in it every day. It felt a little silly at first but it kept us up to date with each other, him up to date with the pregnancy, and connected. We also made sure we called and emailed during our breaks. Anything you can do to keep the lines of communication open.
full time stepmom to SS1 and SS2 since 2010
married since 2011
TTC since 7/2011 (no planned bc since 2008)
HSG 11/2011: one blocked tube
S/A 2/2012 and retest S/A 3/2012: normal
Bloodwork: normal
2nd HSG 5/2012: clear
Femara cycle 5mg #1 7/14/12 + IUI #1 7/23/12 = bfn
New RE appt 8/14/12
IVF #1 meds 8/30/12. ER 9/14/2012: 7 retrieved, 6 fertilized. ET 9/19/12: 1 perfect embryo 5dt.
Beta #1 BFP! 97
Beta #2 234
Beta #3 4937
ultrasound #1 heart beat 127
10/20/12 graduated!!!
EDD 6/7/12
Team PINK!!
H and I have pretty opposite schedules. It's great because one of us is always home to watch the kiddo, but date nights are few and far between. He is still studying towards his Somm certification though and we know this schedule is only temporary, so we look forward to the day when it will change.
Is there a chance of a schedule or position change for your partner in the future?
I own my own bakery and my FI is an architect. We both work like crazy, but I work more than he does and sometimes I continue working at home on finances, legal stuff, recipes, etc. I know it drives him crazy sometimes, but my business is extremely important to me. I sometimes work hours like you describe, every now and then, but as we got more serious he started to feel like second fiddle to my business. I still get to work a ton because he does too, which I love, but he had a serious talk with me about it.
I wish I had advice, but I only have my perspective from the other side of the situation. I don't know about your partner, but fatigue makes me really crabby. I don't want to talk about anything serious, I just want to rest so I can work later. I started working less hours so that I could take more time to take care of myself, and our time together was much more pleasant. We also sat down and did our scheduling together so we know exactly when and what time we have together.