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does my husband love the booze more than me?
I have been with my husband for 10 years. We dated 5
years before we got married 5 years ago. 6 years ago we broke up (before
we got engaged) and when we go back together, he was not drinking like he
was when we broke up. He would come home early from golf with a water
bottle, he wouldn't go hang out with his friends as much as he was before and
so I thought....He could change is ways!! Then we got engaged.
After we got married things slowly changed. He started hanging out
with his friends more, and eventually he stated going across the
street from our house to hand out with his uncle (who is also an alcoholic).
Over time, these trips started occurring more and more. When he
goes over there is drinks a lot of beer and Wild Irish Rose. I
hate the smell of the Wild Irish Rose and have told him that
over and over again, but he still continutes to drink it. When he comes
home from there, sometimes he is so drunk he can't even have a normal
conversaion. Everything is says makes no sense and then he passes out.
On nights that this occurs he is uaually passed out by 8:30 - 8:45 ish.
So I pretty much sit home alone.
At least 6 months ago I asked him to stop going over there so
much, to stop drinking so much, and maybe have dinner ready for me when I get
home. (I usually get home from the work and gym around 6:45 - 7:00). I
have had dinner made for me maybe 3 times since then and he still goes over
there all the time. I have asked him to be home when I get home and
very seldom is he home when I get home. There is a chance that
he is home when I get home, there is a chance he is not and does not get home
until close to dark. There is also a chance that if he is home when I get
home he is drunk, there is also a chance he is not. I have talked to him
about this several times in the last few months, and he says he will change and
I have seen little to no change.
I do love this man, but I am so irritated with his
terrible/destructive habit that I am afraid that I may not be in love with him
anymore. I almost feel resentful for the amount he drinks and doesn't
seem to want to change for me or for him. I have asked him to come to
counseling with me and he refuses. He doesn't think he has a drinking
problem. We don't have children. Do I file for divorce since
he is obviously not changing after I have asked him to several times?
Since I have been with him for 10 years, I am almost afraid to live on my
own. Any advice will help!!
Re: does my husband love the booze more than me?
6 years ago we broke up (before we got engaged) and when we go back together, he was not drinking like he was when we broke up.
When you found out this guy liked to drink, you should have laid flaming skid markes and left the scene pronto.
Why did you stay with.... and marry.... a drunk?
Only you can tell us why.
And the ole standby "but I looooove him" or "He's a great guy when he isn't drinking" will not cut it as a reason.
You need to leave his drunk ass asap.
Pack your things and go; do this when he isn't around --- and before you do so, see an attorney. Get your affairs in order and when that's done, gtfo of there immediately.
Let him know you are tired of his wife the booze and you're out of there and the marriage is over.
Passing out during drinking is not normal. He probably needs rehab -- a doc needs to decide if he does -- and at the very least, he needs AA and a sponsor and/or a drug and alcohol counselor to get clean and sober.
HE is the only one who can change from being a drunk to being an alcoholic in recovery. You asking him to stop drinking is useless as a chocolate teapot.
For love of mike, get out of there now.
Good luck.
Unfortunately it sounds like it. And no matter how much you love him, you can't change him. I learned that with my ex-boyfriend. THEY have to want to change.
On that note, AA for you too. They have a family section to help loved ones deal with any issues you may have due to a loved ones drinking.
It sounds like he has an addiction. That doesn't mean he loves booze more than you but it does mean it's more of a priority than you are.
I would divorce him. He won't get help, alone or with you. Be glad you don't have children and get out. Start over and make a new life for yourself. You can't force someone to change when they don't wan to.
I agree that it seems alcohol is his number 1 priority. I'm sure it sucks to hear that but it seems you already know. Just needed some outsiders point of view.
I mean to me there are some red flags before you guys even got engaged. You guys broke up for a reason. Which is now is that very same reason you may not be in love. There isn't any need to feel this way. Be smart about this and don't let fear keep you from feeling happy and doing what needs to be done.
Lots of red flags while they were dating. Period.
Your H also has addictive tendencies that are inherited. Unfortunately, that's been passed on to your 2 kids.
For the sake of the kids, get out of this horrible marriage. Do not expose them to a piss drunk father. It's crucial trhat you get out now; this has catastrophic affect on children if you stay.
AlAnon for you, STAT.
YOu would be wise to go to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting and talk to a sponsor that is there. He or she will tell you the same thing that most of us have: this is destrictive, he is in denial and so are you and you need to get out of there now.
Alcoholism is a dealbreaker. Do not stay with this jerk.
Since you've talked to your H multiple times about his drinking and nothing has changed decide if the life you have now is what you want for the foreseeable future.
If you don't want to be married to an alcoholic and he doesn't want to get help, file for divorce. Get your financial things in order, see an attorney and leave. Counseling and AA for you ASAP. Thankfully you didn't have kids with him.
Here is my 2 cents, for what it's worth:
My FIL used to be an alcoholic and addicted to pain killers. For years, MIL endured it. She had invested her whole life into him and their relationship: they had a business together (a successful one), two wonderful children, a beautiful home, etc. They had many close friends and were involved in church. Anyway, appearances can be deceiving I know...
It got to the point where DH told his dad he would not have any sort of relationship with him if he did not get help to cut the addiction. MIL threatened to leave, even though she didn't know where she would go (DH said he could stay at his house where he lived at the time). It progressed gradually it seems for decades (since before DH and BIL were born and beyond), and then just sort of exploded. FIL realized what he was risking losing: his wife and family (first and foremost), his business, everything important to him, EXCEPT the drugs. He went to a 30 day rehab treatment, inpatient, back in 2010 and he has relapsed once or twice, but overall, he is doing much better. He is happy instead of angry, and he has maintained his committment to sobriety: classes, meetings, and growing in his faith and his marriage.
I don't want to tell you what to do; you know him better than anyone and you know how you feel. If he sees what he can lose, he MAY decide to get treatment. If you threaten to leave (in a non-violent, this is how I feel and I can't take anymore approach), and he doesn't react and doesn't feel moved to motivation to STOP his destruction, then maybe it's best to let it go and not be under the abuse.
Whatever happens, I wish you the best and pray you find peace. I hope that your husband will come around and be the husband he vowed to be. Good luck.
ETA: I misworded what I meant in my first paragraph. He will always be an addict/alcoholic, but he is now in recovery. Sorry.
Well said. Bravo.:)
You are married to an alcoholic.
I think you need to face that before you decide anything else.
As someone married to a recovering alcoholic, I always resented being told to divorce him. I didn't get married to give up on someone I loved. I'm not saying you have to stay but you do need to make an informed decision and not one based on internet strangers telling you what they think is best for you! Alcoholism doesnt have to be a deal-breaker any more than cancer! Alcoholism is a disease. It's not about him loving it more than you or choosing it over you, it's about a disease that tricks his mind into thinking he is going to die if he doesn't take that drink. Hate the disease, not the man. I got help for myself first. Then what do you know, he decided he was ready to take that step too. He goes to AA multiple times a week and we still see an addiction counselor individually and together. It's a lifelong process and it's not easy. But it can work.
Thanks so much for the advice ladies!
As for the Al-anon, I am actually going this week with a co-worker. I really hope it does help me, and I am also seeing a counselor. I am really hoping that things will get better.
They will not. Unless he has what AA calls a "rock bottom moment." That means the alcoholic finally has it hit him that "hey, I have a problem and I need help to sober up".
No amount of begging him will help: he has to get clean and sober because he wants to do it. Not for you and not for the kids: FOR HIMSELF.
No, he doesn't love booze more than you. But it does sound like he is stuck deep in an addiction.
I know a lot about addiction, and recovery. No one can tell you what you should do or endure, but they do have places that can help. I am not sure where you are from, but if you look up something called Al-Anon meetings, they are meetings for people who have family members that suffer from addiction. If you go there (even once) you can meet people who will tell you how they handled a situation just like yours. And treatment that maybe around, unfortunately if he is not willing to get help on his own, than you may just have to make him get help. Whether it be give him ultimatems, etc.
I hope this works...and i hope he gets the help he needs.