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Is this normal???
I know that some people are going to think that I am crazy "complaining" about this and that might be true, I may indeed be crazy.
Okay so my fiance and I are very happy together. I know that everyone says that but I truly believe that we are. The only real argument that we have is about sex. And yes that can be a big issue to have an argument about. We have GREAT sex tho, seriously the best sex I have ever had. I always get off, most of the time I have at least 3 orgasm every time. So a little more details...
He enjoys sex about 4 to 5 times a week. I am more like 6+ times a week. So at first our disagreements would be that he felt that I was always pushing him to have sex. I didn't want him to feel pressured to have sex so I stopped being so forward and that issue got better. Then the issue that I got upset that every time he wanted sex he got it and I didn't get it when I wanted it. We still haven't fully figured that one out but all in all that is getting better. We then had a big fight about having sex while on my period. After some compromises we got through that as well.
We have now come onto this issue that has arose because he is trying to please me. So sometime (and it is really actually rare maybe it happens once a month if that) but sometimes we start having sex and then he can't keep it hard because he wasn't that into it. Well now that makes me feel so disgusting. I am it makes me feel fat and gross and unattractive and that he isn't that into me and every other negative thing that you can think of. I know that I have some self-esteem issues and that I shouldn't feel unattractive just because he isn't into sex. And he feels terrible too. But I don't know what to do. I don't know how to not feel that way.
I really do love him and I know that he loves me. Our relationship is great, we can talk about everything and anything. We have talked about this issue over and over again but we are at a stand still. We don't know what to do. We need help. I'm sure that we are not the only ones with this issue. Is this my problem, do I just need to go to therapy and work on my self esteem? Is this my fault for pressuring him to have sex when he isn't that into in the first place? Do we need to go to couples therapy? I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE!!!!!!
Re: Is this normal???
Chill. Most people are not going to both want sex at the same time every time. That's perfectly normal and it's not about you at all. We have times when we'll get started and either he softens or I dry up and we just shrug and come back to it later when we're more in the mood.
And maybe he hasn't managed to catch you at a time when you weren't up for sex yet, but it will certainly happen eventually. It's really not a big deal and if it's bothering you so much, you should think about talking to a therapist yourself about your self-esteem.
Agreed! As hard as it is (no pun intended) do not take it too personally, it will only put more pressure on him, thus killing the mood. Penises are weird, they go limp even when the guy is into it!
Talk to him about this and tell him "don't initiate sex just for me, I want us to both enjoy the experience."
Also, give yourself a pat on the back, 4-5 times a week... ain't too shabby!
All jokes aside though, self-esteem is important in all aspects of a relationship, not just sex. If you feel that low, I would recommend therapy.
This is an issue of communication and it's one that needs to be rectified. GL.
Honestly, I think this is mostly you. If I were you, I'd get into therapy and work on my self esteem. Because if sex 5 times per week vs. 6 times per week makes you feel that bad about yourself, you probably have some deeper issues to deal with.
No one likes to be rejected. It always feels bad. But it sounds like he still wants you 4 or 5 times a week and really, that's a lot by most standards. If I were having 3 orgasms/6 days + a week, I don't think I'd have time to go to work
Sounds like my fiance and I. When he wants to have sex i would rather cuddle and watch a movie. When I want to have sex, he is to tired. Kind of sucks, but it really has to be a mutual feeling at the time. It is supposed to be fun and about loving each other.
I wouldnt feel bad about yourself though, sometimes it could really be that they have something else on their mind, even if they are not aware of it, it can mess things up. I know if my fiance is having stress about money and work he really cant be turned on.
For fun, dont know if you would be into this, but go to an adult store together and pick out a game. They can be fun, you learn more about what eachother likes in the bedroon, and it really isnt all about sex, its about creating the mood.
I think you need to step back and not take his interest and hardness so personally. It's normal for men to have a hard time(no pun intended) once in a while with their erections, due to be tired, stressed, etc. My husband felt too much pressure to perform when we first got together and would have a similar issue. He got his confidence back after getting some viagra but I never felt like his issue was my fault. While it was frustrating and a turn off to me, I never blamed myself. Maybe if this is a consistent problem your husband could also get some viagra.
Like the other posters I think you just need to deal with your self-esteem issues and discuss this in couples therapy. There really isn't much difference between 5x per week and 6x per week in my opinion. Maybe one solution for the two of you could be having him pleasure you when he's not interested in sex either orally, manually or with a vibrator.
As far as the initiation of sex I do have one suggestion. My husband and I try to split chores equally and so we alternate who washes the dishes. Maybe what you guys could do is take turns who initiates sex, that way you're each initiating equally. I'm sure there are other possible solutions to figuring out who initiates but it's good to realize that sometimes one partner may not be in the mood when the other is and when that's the case the initiator should just try a little more foreplay.