Sex & Romance
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Is this a medical problem?
My husband and i have been married for almost 3 years and we have a son together and another one on the way. Our sex life was great after we got past the pain and awkwardness after having our first son. But then about 7 months ago my husband has this problem that it takes him A LONG time to reach ejaculation. OF course the one time 5 months ago I didn't get sore and have to stop, was the time we got pregnant. We've tried almost everything. Foreplay, different positions, toys, blow job, but it takes him a long time. I am his first sex partner and I've even offered to let him sleep with someone else to see if I am the problem. He won't watch porn with me, but he will watch it by himself. I just don't know what to do anymore and he won't go to the doctor about it.
Re: Is this a medical problem?
70+ minutes
Maybe I should ask what is a normal length of time?
It used to take us 20-35 minutes
What to do:
See a urologist -- he needs to see one since this may be a medical problem.
If all checks out, it is a psychological one; fixable with the help of a sex therapist.
It is important that the both of you work on this issue together. Eff pride and shyness and macho --- he needs to see a urologist and a sex therapist. If he does nothing about this, the problem will remain as it is.
Yeah this. And I don't see how having him sleep with someone else is going to fix your problem but whatever floats your boat...
First off, I think it is very sweet that your his first partner! That's something you don't see very often!(at least in my neck of the woods, it isn't). Please don't let him sleep with another woman, it might be something you regret in the future!
Try not having sex for a while, it would be like letting the pressure build. Also it would help your vagina gain some elasticity back! I know it sounds bad, but after a woman engages in coitus her vagina stretches a bit and if your having intercourse daily, it can really loosen you up...
And P.S. Some guys feel uncomfortable watching porn with their ladies, its like they feel embarrassed to be aroused by another woman while their girl is right next to them.
ATTN: THIS IS COMPLETELY INCORRECT INFORMATION.
I am a sex educator, and the popular concept that a women's vagina gets "looser" the more she has sex is COMPLETELY false. The ONLY thing that can cause this is childbirth.
If it turns out that your vagina IS somewhat stretched from childbirth- and moreover, that is actually the thing causing this particular problem, talk to your doctor. It is possible to get a procedure where you get just a couple stitches. (This often happens after an instance where a women tears somewhat in the process of giving birth- you can request that when your delivery doctor sew up the tear, he or she add a couple more stitches.) Some offer the opportunity to revisit that option later on.
So maybe letting him sleep with another woman wouldn't help my case any, but I just thought maybe he wasn't attracted to me anymore.
The month we conceived this pregnancy we only had sex 2 times that month and he only ejaculated in me one time. We might have sex once a week.
I did tear a little bit with DS and they stitched me up, but he's almost 2, we didn't have any problems before. Why now?
Okay, so in my experience as a sex educator, the most common reason for delayed ejaculation (and/or the seeming pure inability to come with a partner, regardless of time spent trying) is masturbation.
First of all, the more a man masturbates, the less he feels that physical *need* to have sex, so the body can be much slower to respond to additional sexual activity. This is pretty common knowledge- I have had counseling sessions with males who used to masturbate shortly before a date, so that they would last longer if the date culminated in sex (not a long-term solution, by any means, but based on a male physical reality).
The other thing about male masturbation is that it usually involves a tight fist. The specific feeling of a fist wrapped tightly around the penis is very different in several respects from that of the vagina, which is naturally warm, wet, and frankly, just more yielding. The part of this that isn?t as well known is that a male can accidentally train their penis to respond to certain sensations only. So, if your husband is masturbating more often (maybe he got into a habit of masturbating more often due to something that may have happened a year ago, that led to the 7-months-ago problem?), his penis could have ?learned? to respond with ejaculation to the sensations of a fist. This can result in prolonged sex, and even a total lack of ejaculation.
You say your husband is not comfortable watching porn with you?Would he be open to the idea of masturbating (without porn) to ejaculation with you present? If he is able to masturbate to ejaculation in front of you within a reasonable amount of time, then the problem could lie in the above. If he says he is able to do so, but when he tries to do so in front of you, cannot, then the problem could be psychologically-based. If he willingly masturbates in front of you, but it still takes a very long time for him to climax, there are other possibilities, and many are stress of otherwise psychologically-related.
Luckily, there ARE ways to ?retrain? the penis, if that turns out to be the problem! The first step in retraining the penis is that your husband really has to try to cut down (or out, if possible) on his solo masturbation. When he does masturbate, he should introduce other ways of doing so that are not a fist. A good example is the fleshlight, which is the #1 selling sex toy for men out there today, that is also more yielding, similar to a vagina. It will take him a lot longer to ejaculate (if this is the source of the problem) at first, because it IS more similar to a vagina, so he can mix it up with what he usually does to come, to wean his body off that expectation.
If the problem is stress or anxiety-related, it can actually worsen once you vocally point out the problem. Husbands/boyfriends who have this problem often hear things like ?Don?t you love me anymore?? or ?You don?t think I?m sexy?? and since they know those things aren?t true, and have no clue about what is going on themselves- so are not able to effectively counter these questions- they can get pretty frustrated, and even pretty depressed. Men identify really strongly with their level of sexual ability, so their conception of self-worth/self-esteem can really correlate with that. This means that if you two have spent the last 7 months being openly stressed about this problem, whether or not the issue was psychologically-based to begin with, he may also have developed a sense of performance anxiety on top of it. If someone feels a lot of pressure to climax when they don?t know if they will be able to, it makes sense that they probably will not- or that it will take a very long time.
For performance anxiety, it helps to rebuild a sense of trust in the bedroom. This means no ?Do you want to sleep with someone else??-type questions that will just frustrate him so he closes up. If he is able to ejaculate by himself, but you think the problem may be more performance anxiety than "training"-based, you should try the following steps:
1. Your husband should stop all solo masturbation, and only do anything sexual to himself when you are present.
2. Have your husband masturbate in front of you (helps if you do *not* explain this all to him beforehand, because if you set it up as a test- ?I want to see if you can come in front of me,? that still increases performance anxiety), to ejaculation. This step can be really hard because you really need to work on making him feel relaxed and not at all pressured in any way. Once he manages to do this, it means you have managed to together break down a psychological wall, and the other steps really are much less difficult to achieve.
3. Masturbate him together, to ejaculation. When he is ready and comfortable with it, put your hand on top of his, and have him give you instructions about what and how it likes to do it.
4. Masturbate him with just your hand, to ejaculation. Maybe start with the double grip in the beginning, and then have him remove his hand.
5. This one can be a little awkward and sounds a bit silly, but try to complete step 3 again but move the whole thing (over a number of tries) closer to your vagina.
6. When you are both feel that the previous steps have all been successfully completed, you should ask if your husband is okay with the idea of you masturbating him with the same combo of steps 3 & 4, but if you also add the move of inserting his penis into your vagina at an previously-undisclosed time. Some women find it is successful to do this shortly before the time (as learned by successfully completing the previous steps) they know their partner usually climaxes. This can come as a shock, but it is much better than having him pick a time, and asking him before you do it, because that invites the return of the performance anxiety.
If you are not sure whether it's more a "training" problem of a performance anxiety thing (and it may be both), I would start with working on performance anxiety and move to the training thing. OR you can combine them! Your husband can try masturbating himself in private, to ejaculation- and then try it in person with you- with a softer/more yielding toy. This combination will make the whole process longer, but it's knocking out two potential problems together!
I'm not sure if he masturbates while he's in the bathroom or if he masturbates while I'm sleeping. Before he wouldn't masturbate unless I did it for him. And he's completely comfortable with me doing it. He just has a problem vaginally ejaculating and each time it takes longer and longer for him to ejaculate whether its me doing it with my hand or him doing it with his.
Its not a sense of trust in the bedroom. Its the fact that he is not attracted to me anymore and i feel like our marriage is going down the pooper bc he doesn't seem to think that he needs to meet my needs i just need to meet his.
Hmm, okay. Could you clarify what you mean by he doesn't seem to think that he needs to meet my needs i just need to meet his?" What has he said specifically to you that reflect this? Has he specified- or at least hinted at- what "his needs" are? Presuming that they are something that is not being done already?
If your husband is managing to get and stay hard for the duration (especially such a long duration at this point!), it is probably not a problem of attraction. Although you say it is not a problem of trust, the attitude in your last few lines would make it seem like you resent him- which is definitely a symptom of fluctuating trust. So he could easily be feeling something similar.
There are some other possible causes/factors here, although they are not as common.
Is your husband taking any kind of regular medications? (Particularly, any antidepressants?)
Does your husband drink often or a lot? Is he generally sober when you are having sex?
Does he have diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease, or any allergies in particular?
Has he had any kind of surgery (or even, infection) involving his prostate?
All these could also strongly affect/cause this problem.