Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
So upset
Found out my sister had a baby and nobody in my family told me. She hasn't talked to me in over a year and the rest of my family and I aren't that close but I still keep in touch by calling them once a month. I found out on facebook because I'm friends on there with my half sister. She never mentioned anything about anyone being pregnant or posted photos of the newborn. She just posted something along the lines "Babies are beautiful...." and when I asked if someone had a baby her post suddenly disappeared. That got me thinking that I had seen a picture earlier of my sister and she appeared somewhat heavier but I thought nothing of it until I saw my sister's post. When I privately messaged her and told her I had a hunch that our sister was pregnant or had a baby she never replied. I called my step-mom and asked her if she could tell me if my sister had a baby. She asked how I knew and I told her I figured it out on my own. It's true, she did have a baby. I am so happy for her but I broke down crying because I wish someone would have told me. I even visited my family back in December although not my sister because she didn't wish to see me. I left a message on my sister's cell congratulating her and sent her a gift for the baby. I hope I did the right thing but then again I may have upset her further if she didn't want me to know. I try to make myself feel better by telling myself that maybe she figured someone in the family already had told me and probably thought I just didn't care but that's probably wishful thinking. Nobody told her I moved to Germany either although she may have figured it out already.Now my step-mom feels terrible for not telling me but she said she feels like she is trapped in the middle of me and my sister's rift. She felt it was my sister's responsibility to tell me if she wanted me to know...which is true. She said that's why they decided not to tell me. However, family from out of state on my step-mom's side of the family knew because they were told. I want to talk to her but she won't and I don't want to bother her. Besides I live in Germany so it's not like I I'm part of the family anyways. I just wish I knew...she is my biological sister and I care for her and my nieces. Do you think it's time to let it go and walk away? My husband said he'd never speak to them again if it was him (there's a long history of family dysfunction on my side) but I just can't seem to do that even though it does seem like the right answer.
My sister has another daughter that I've met in the past when we were getting along. The odd thing is that my sister will let me send gifts to her older daughter but not tell me she's pregnant? What if I would have never found out she had another baby? Then her younger child would have grown up wondering why her older sister receives presents from me but not her.
Re: So upset
We dont know what the beef is between the two of you but I have to assume it's something big since there is almost no communication. I think as hard as it is you have to let your anger/disappointment go with the rest of your family for not telling you. Is it crappy? Yes. But consider the position they are in, stuck in the middle.
Is it time to walk away? Only you know the answer it to that, and it's a hard question to answer. For me, family is so important, family is forever, and I couldn't fathom cutting off ties with a family member. But that's not always the case in every family. Based on what you posted, it seems that she's the one calling the shots here. That said, you have to put in what you think is a reasonable, acceptable effort. If it's not enough to get her to come around, you have to be satisfied that you have done your part.
Good luck.
Then again, somebody in the family should have told you --- it would have been nice to know.
Yeah that is true. I can only do so much but if she doesn't come around then I have to walk away.
Without any idea of *why* you and your sister are no longer speaking it is kinda hard to give advice on this and be able to tell you whether or not to reach out.
However, it is HER choice who she wants to include in her life and it seems she has made her choice pretty clear.....even if you don't understand it or like it
If you still care about her, I don't think you're ready to move on.
I can't speak for everyone here, but I'm personally not an advocate of cutting people out of our lives. I think life is short, and we should ask ourselves what we would regret most at the end: that we spent too much time with a relative we didn't like, or we didn't make the effort when we wanted a better relationship? Sure, I get that there are times when a relationship becomes so unhealthy and abusive that it's simply in everyone's best interest to end it, but I think most family relationships are worth fighting for before they get to that point.
My suggestion is for you to take a little more time and think about what you want. If you can honestly say you want some form of communication with your sister, write her a heartfelt letter explaining this. Apologize if you feel that's appropriate, and tell her what you're looking for. You don't have to be chums, but maybe you could just keep each other updated on major life events, send cards once in a while, etc. Whatever you write, be as honest as possible.
Your sister may not want any relationship with you; she may ignore the letter, or she may respond angrily. But even if she does either or those, at least you won't go to the end of your life regretting that you never reached out.
There is clearly a lot of dysfunction in your family. Including w/ you. I'm not saying that to be nasty. But really- she broke a confidence and SHE is the one "not talking to you" and you're the one running around trying to have a relationship with her.
I wish I could give you some advice, but I really don't have any. Actually, the one thing I will say is that there are clearly many, many, many layers of issues. With her on her own, between the two of you, etc. You can't look at this situation from a black and white spot of "Other family knew but I didn't....??? ". She doesn't have a beef w/ other fmaily. She has a beef w/ you. Justified or not - but that's the situation. What she does and what other family knows - you can't use that as a basis of comparison.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Well, with your update- you're right, two wrongs don't make a right and you clearly played a role. But still - I'm getting the sense that you're trying to apologize to her, she's not accepting it AND she's also not owning up to HER role in the downfall.
But again - that's making it a black and white thing and it's not that black and white.
It sucks. Again, I wish I had some advice, but i'm really at a loss on this one.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
You didn't know she was pregnant because she didn't want you to know.
Obviously you both are not active in each other's life since you first went 6 months without speaking before you attempted contact. She is choosing to not have you in her life. She won't speak to you. I would leave it alone.
Therapy!
As ECB pointed out, there is clearly dysfunction in your family. You were your sister's punching bag for years? And you still are sad that you are not close?
In the meantime, stop focusing on your sister, and build up your life with people who are healthy and caring and loving towards you and your H. Move on with your life. Even when you were "getting along," your sister was betraying you by passing on your secrets, so she wasn't a good friend to you.
By sending her daughter gifts, focusing on her baby, sending baby gifts - you're giving your sister an awful lot of power in your relationship. She is using that power to hurt you (keeping secrets, "not talking to you."). If you want to "give" to your sister's children, I would open an account and put money in it for them with you as the trustee. I'm not sure what you can really do without their social security #, but at least put aside $25 or $50 for each birthday. Then when they are older you can re-connect with them and let them know that even though you never sent anything, you were always thinking of them. If you send anything to them, I would only send a card on holidays or their birthday.
You really do need therapy. Even if you were in the wrong, your sister has mistreated you and the fact that you are begging for a place in her life speaks volumes about your relationship.
Honestly, I would not keep trying with her. At least not right now. It just seems like doing so repeatedly is perpetuating things for you and leaving you hurt and frustrated.
Have you had any counseling for this? It might be beneficial to you.
You are the part of this whole thing that you can control. It sounds like you have made several attempts to reach out to her, and you've apologized for your part in the rift between the two of you. I don't think there's much more you can do about this.