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New and am I over reacting?
I am new here, but just looking for some unbiased advice or guidance. Hopefully, this won?t be too terribly long.
Background: My husband and I, both in our early to mid 30?s, have been married for ten years, together for 14 years. We have a 3 year old daughter and a 9 month old daughter. We have always had a very steady relationship, aside from your typical relationship spats, and I have NEVER had any doubt in our relationship until about 5 days ago.
For the past few months, my husband has randomly mentioned a woman who works for him. His mentions have usually pertained to the clothes she wears or the purse she carries, etc. And I typically would not be bothered by this, as I am big into fashion (and spend lots of time focusing on my work wardrobe!) and both my husband and I have always had friends of the opposite sex at work. It was just something in his tone when he would mention her name, that kind of sounded like a schoolboy crush (if that makes sense). Nonetheless, I didn?t really let it bother me. Afterall, we are all human and will always be attracted to other people even after marriage!
Well last week, I was getting ready for bed and his phone was sitting on our dresser and kept buzzing b/c of an incoming text. For some reason, I decided to pick it up and look at it (which we both are always on each others phones, emails, etc, as we share passwords, and so on). Low and behold there was a text from her that was telling him specific details about her clothing purchases (something about jeans and a dress) and ended with ?Cheers Mister!?. This bothered me a little, only b/c the tone he has mentioned her in the past. So, the following day after we put the girls to bed I was in our room, and curiosity got the best of me and I looked at his phone and saw that there had been an ongoing conversations between them with the previous text deleted and all I saw was a few texts from my husband to her using emoticons (which he never uses as he refers to them as ?gay?), and some flirtatious texts from her. I immediately went to my husband to ask him what was going on. He of course reassured me that they were just friendly texts, and that he had deleted previous texts b/c he didn?t want me to think anything (no joke). So long story short, is all weekend it was a huge discussion of me telling him that I was incredibly hurt that he felt a need to hide text messages from another woman , no matter how innocent they may have been. I told him that if he was deleting something he was hiding something. He repeatedly apologized saying that he hopefully I know him better than that, etc. He repeatedly said that he would never do anything to jeoporadize our relationship, that she was simply someone that he worked with that he had become friends with who he thought I could become friends with as well.
So of course the texts alone, might not be a huge red flag to me, but my husband is very successful for his relatively young age, and is a top executive at a large corporation. I know that a position of a power can be attractive for many women, and I have noticed that over the past few years as my husband has moved up the corporate ladder his confidence has grown (which of course it should), and that when we are at work functions, more women seem to gather around him. And I have always been very confident myself, and this is the first time I have EVER felt insecure again b/c of the tone he has mentioned her in the past.
Anyway, this might not make a lot of sense, but any insight? I thought that after we had talked about it over and over and over again this weekend, that I was feeling better about it. This morning at work, my stomach is in knots b/c I cannot stop thinking about it. I know that I will never know if they are texting or talking or whatever, as my husband will just delete the messages (as he had deleted their entire conversation after I mentioned it). Am I over reacting?
Re: New and am I over reacting?
First, does your husband work in the fashion industry or something along that lines where an email or a text would be relevant or has he always been curious about fashion?
I'm not sure what the text/email conversation was exactly so its hard to make such an assessment of the situation. However, with that being said, you need to figure out why you are uncomfortable and in knots? Do you have issues with him texting other women? What is making you uncomfortable. You have to also see in the future if he is respectful of your wishes, whatever they may be. What do you want your husband to do with how you feel?
Me? I am a very territorial woman by nature, its the way I've always been since I was a teen, also I am somewhat insecure. That being said, I do trust DH however I don't want to hear about his conversations he has with old women friends he has on Facebook - he knows this. For me, the phrase out of sight out of mind...but that's our relationship and it works.
I would be in knots too if I were you, based on who I am as a person. However, based on how I am by nature if I stumbled on a text like you did...I would also over analyze the texts until I was blue in the face...that's me though.
He's not in the fashion industry
He is the CFO of a large hospital.
I have historically never been insecure, but I think it bothers me because of the way he had talked about her in the past. And I don't think he even realized when he would talk about her, even though it was innocent conversation, he sounded "giddy" if that makes sense? And I think this is why it bothers me.
And I have been analyzing the whole situation and my face might be blue soon!
A fetish isn't wrong, unless it physically harms the person and/or the particpant(s).
He needs to end inappropriate contact with her.
He is also putting his job on the line, which makes him a stupid ass; hasn't he ever heard of sexual harassment? His hospital may also have a rule that states no fraterinizing with other employees/associates/bosses.
You are not over reeacting. He needs to cut the bs out and start acting like a boss, not some letch. GL.
Deliberately deleting the texts broke the trust. His excuse, whether it be "I did want to hurt you" or "I'm afraid you'd overreact" isn't any different from the typical reason of why someone lies. He deserves no credit for that excuse. Now, you're always going to wonder. You will always question. Your imagination will know no bounds. The trust has been broken. It's hell.