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I just want to be happy again!
Hi Everyone,
I posted here back in March about some issues DH and I were having regarding porn, communication issues, etc. and going to counseling. (one of the original threads: http://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/2/64680857/ShowThread.aspx)
Anyway, we started counseling and have been to 3 couples sessions. The first couple went fine, although I wouldn't say they were all too productive. During the 2nd session, we brought up the porn/lying issue, and all our counselor said about that was that I need to work on dressing more provocatively for DH and trying to do things that make him aroused and pleasing him more in the bedroom. And, that I need to move on and forgive without wanting to hurt him back. Well, the forgiving and not hurting him back is fine, and I have forgiven him although I still don't feel like he actually respects my feelings about anything (he has quit watching porn though to the best of my knowledge), but the rest of her advice was generally not helpful as I've already given that all a try, and have not gotten much of anywhere...I've also talked to DH about that. Anyway, that was all the more we talked about that, which is fine. She recommended that DH see a separate therapist for a few sessions to talk through his struggles with porn, and gave him a few referrals, and that didn't go anywhere. DH now doesn't think he needs to see a therapist because he doesn't actually have an addiction, just a habit. (I find that funny how that changed so quickly - although you all warned me) and the third session ended in frustration and feeling like we went backwards rather than forwards, due to a heated discussion about our finances and how we track them - which has never been that big of a deal in our relationship, but the near screaming match was mainly fueled by my frustration with DH's total lack of initiative with anything, not necessarily our actual finances. Anyway, the next step our counselor suggested was an individual session for each of us and then rejoining with couples sessions. Well, it's been a few weeks, and we haven't scheduled those individual sessions. DH had to go out of town for work for a couple weeks, and then we just never got to them. Part of the reason I haven't rescheduled them is that DH seems overall pretty not invested in the whole counseling thing. He goes to the sessions and participates, but doesn't bring up anything deep that's actually bothering him. She also has been giving us "homework" to work on outside of our sessions, and the only time we do any of this is if I initiate the action - it is never DH. Quite frankly, I'm just sick of taking the initiative on everything. I've also been hesitating because I just don't feel like it's really helping us all too much. I know it's only been a few sessions, but she just doesn't seem to understand us too much and seems to focus on the wrong things - things that are the "typical" couples issues like finances and such, but aren't necessarily issues for us - but then it's like she tries to make it an issue. Kind of hard to explain, but it just frustrates me more than anything, and it doesn't feel like she's really helping our marriage.
Anyway, I'm not sure what to do from here. DH seemed to be giving honest effort towards our marriage for the first few weeks after our big blowout, but since then everything has kind of reverted back to what it was. He doesn't show much affection, or really want to talk about anything. It's like he just wants to pretend everything is just peachy and we're fine and our relationship is perfect or something.
We have had some real discussions about how neither of us are happy right now though. He's not happy with where we live, he's bored with work, etc. and it pretty much encompasses his whole being. Both of our families live about 2 hours away. Before we bought our house and had DD, we only lived 1 hour away from my parents and 1.5 hours from his parents. We went out that way to visit often as it wasn't a big deal to hop in the car and go. We bought our house in 2009, which is a half hour further away, which didn't seem like a big deal at the time, but now that we have DD, it's not as easy to hop in the car and go anymore, so we don't go out there to visit as often - usually once every couple months. Neither of our families come to visit us as often (it's like the road only goes one way), and we don't have many friends in the area (just a couple co-workers). The whole living situation really depresses DH as he is really close with his family. He's upset that we live so far away, and also upset with his family for not visiting more often, but of course won't tell them so. It makes it a lot harder to get help with anything, and overall just not seeing everyone as often. We've talked about moving, and both would like to, but it's just not realistic right now. We live where we do mostly because of his job. He works in a fairly specialized job field, and anything that would be available out in WI (closer to family) would require at least 50% travel, which would not work out. My job is pretty flexible and I could probably find a job just about anywhere. Even if we could find jobs though, the housing market is very depressed in our area, as it is in so many places and we are upside down in our house by about $20k. Our values dropped almost immediately after we purchased our house (which we thought was near the bottom - ha!). DH gets depressed that it is his job that is keeping us here and so he is looking at going back to school to be able to change jobs easier, which will likely only add stress to both of our plates.
All of this just leaves me in an unhappy place. I'm trying to think that it WILL get better. Once DH continues school, can switch jobs and we can move and we will be magically happy. But, I find myself losing any loving feelings I have towards DH. Between the whole lack of respect for my feelings (I've forgiven him for the act, but I still feel somewhat hurt), him being depressed and taking it out at home, and just not having any initiative for anything has left me feeling like I just don't have any feelings left. I feel like I've emotionally detached myself from our relationship to a certain extent to protect myself from feeling hurt (which I know isn't right). I've told him this - I've told him I don't know how much more I can take. He's said he'll try, but it just doesn't go anywhere, and I don't find myself feeling any better about anything. Plus, on top of that, he totally skipped out on Mother's Day (no card, no thank you, no appreciation whatsoever) - maybe this shouldn't matter, but it's just kind of icing on the cake. I don't care so much about a gift or card or whatever, but just a heartfelt "Happy Mother's Day! Thank you, and I love you!" would have been nice.
Any advice ladies? What should I do from here? I just feel miserable right now and I don't know what to do anymore. I want things to work out, but at the same time, part of me wants to throw in the towel. About the only thing keeping me from uttering those dreadful words to DH is our daughter and the hope that things will get better down the road. Maybe this is all just me - maybe I'm selfish and crazy, and need to work through this with myself and find a way to get happy. I just don't know anymore.
Sorry this has gotten so long. If you've made it this far - thank you!
Re: I just want to be happy again!
For love of all holy, first and foremostly, GET ANOTHER COUNSELOR!!!!
During the 2nd session, we brought up the porn/lying issue, and all our counselor said about that was that I need to work on dressing more provocatively for DH and trying to do things that make him aroused and pleasing him more in the bedroom.
He is LYING. How in hell is dressing provcatively going to stop him from LYING???
I'm serious: this counselor is nuts. And I'd report this person to the state board of mental health and whoever it is in your state that certifies licensure for mental health and marriage counselors. This is plain bad and almost borders on unethical. Plus he/she ain't got the clue God gave him/her.
Your H isn't cooperating fully with the counseling. That is just as bad as his not attending at all.
And it's not a good sign; he's not committed to working on your marriage with you.
I can suggest another counselor, but personally, I'd have been gone once the lying issue began: I'd wonder what else there is that he's lied about besides 2 naked warm bodies pounding away. Lying is also dreadfully immature --- and I don't see how any amount of counselors or counseling can cure him of lying and infuse maturity into him.
Please do NOT stay with him for the sake of a kiddo. it's better a child has 2 parents that are apart and happy than 2 parents that stay together and are miserable. Plus it's no example of a "happy marriage" for her; it'll have devestating effects on your child.
Put yourself first and your child first. Good luck.
If DH will actually commit to fully participating in counseling, I think I will be finding a new counselor. I don't think this current one is helping at all. Although if DH isn't going to fully participate, I don't think I'll go back - at least not for couples counseling - what's the point...
And, the lying is of course terrible, but as far as I know, that was it - he's not typically a liar. But, the seemingly total disrespect for me and my feelings is something that I'm having a really hard time letting go of. I can forgive, but the fact is, I just don't really respect him at this point. And, it's hard to love someone that you don't respect.
And, a very large part of me wants to fix this, but I can't do it alone. I want to fix things because we have been great together. Up until the last year, we had a wonderful relationship - but now I'm not happy with any part of it. I don't want our daughter to grow up with two miserable parents, but I also don't want to throw in the towel - although some days I'm very tempted.
(To the bolded part) This is why it is called lying, your H could be hiding something. He may not like how you reacted to the porn thing so why would he tell you anything else?
I would walk away. If not at the very least get a new counselor!
Dress more provacatively??? I still can't get over that one. What a nutcase.
Your BIG problem:
He's a liar.
The porn is very very last on the agenda of problems. The second he lied, brother, that'd been it for him.
You are very wise to put having a kiddo on hold.
Put yourself first. Then take it from there.
Let me give you a very hypothetical situation: suppose you took up this "counselor's" suggestion about how you should dress provocatively? That's gonna cure him of lying and get him to grow up, all in one fell swoop?
I'd never want to live with a liar. He just blew his entire chance: you lie once, there goes all trust you have in your relationship: and that is crucial, having trust. There's no way back, unless you want to live under a Sword of Damocles on this one.
You are right. It may have only been one lie, but he lost my trust, and my respect. Like I said, it's hard to love someone that you don't respect, and right now, I don't respect him. I've already told him that if I find out that he's lied to me again, I'm done - truly done. I'm struggling to find the motivation to want to go on. If he doesn't have any desire to put some work into our marriage then it's not worth my effort anymore...that's where I'm at. I'm sick of trying and getting nowhere because I'm the only one trying. He's said the right things, but actions speak louder than words and his actions haven't done him a damn bit of good!
You need:
1. A different counsellor
2. Waaayyyyy more than 3 counselling sessions! It can take months before you even see changes let alone fix the entire marriage. Rotate sessions, individual ones for each of you, then one couples session.
3. Get your husband a life coach to help figure out the work thing. Many councellors do both.
4. A new bonding ritual. Something new for both of you, where you can't discuss your problems, but just spend time together talking like you did when you dated. THIS helped my marriage when things were tough. It could be something simple like every Sunday morning, read an article from the paper in bed to each other and then talk about it. It helps keep in mind the values and feelings that you do share.
And I agree 2 miserable parents do not equal 1 happy childhood, but since you do have a child together its your responsibility to give it a long hard honest effort so you never look back and regret things.
Thanks for the advice ladies! I appreciate it!
I think I will be finding another counselor and going from there. I'm not ready to give up just yet, but something definitely needs to change. I'm sick of being miserable.
Not to mention you are walking on eggs... is he lying or not???...and you're under one hell of a Sword of Damocles with this character.
If you are religious, try your clergyperson, also -- this is considering that he or she holds certification in counseling.
"Forsaking all others" not only includes adultery and lack of respect for a spouse and putting others before your spouse -- it also includes not being honest and lying to your spouse.
I've brought this up to DH, and unfortunately I think counseling with our pastor is probably not an option. We belong to a very small church, and while whatever we said with our pastor would remain in confidence, DH is not comfortable doing counseling with him. I don't think he wants to "air our dirty laundry" to anyone we actually know.
Ok, This guy is a douche, no offense, he could do alot of things with his life if he so chose. It's a natural habit to defend him but now you've got to look out for you & your daughter. BTW, How old are you?
#1, STOP DEFENDING HIM, he won't change because he frogmarch him to therapy. Obviously his hearts not in it.
#2, communication isn't happening. Both of you need to Communicate & let him know you'd like him to LISTEN, not judge. Once you've told him your side, let him know, it's his turn & this time, you listen to his side. Really, listen, don't judge, don't jump to conclusions.
I think you need to make a list of prioirties, both of you & compare them. See if you 2 are truly compatible. Because, from what I've heard, your trying to fit a circle into a square, it just won't go
My grandmother who is celebrating 60 yrs of marriage this year gave me the best advice that I will share with you. "Love is like the sun on a cloudy day, you can't always see or feel it, but you know it is there." Even on the days that you may not feel that warm gooey just fell in love feeling (which normally fades anyways) you must remember that this man is committed to you and he does love you and is still there with you going thru all this, and that means quite a bit. I would def suggest getting a better counselor and when he does all the things that aren't neccessarily deal breaker mistakes (like porn, etc.) try to remember the things you do like/love about him and realize that he is still trying to do his best. I have been through the porn issues with my Hubby as well and its not fun, and it makes you feel all kinds of insecure but try really hard to accept it for what it really is, a short lived distraction from life for him, not a intentional blow to your ego. I hope this helps!
Aloha,
Mel