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Caught him sexting someone we know.. (A little long, sorry)
Soooo, my hubby (of one year, four years together now), has made a habit of "looking for attention" every few months by texting younger women (I am only 24 myself). The first person it happened with was an old friend of a friend of his that I actually stumbled across awhile back and reunited him with. It started as inappropriate flirting. With every instance, it got more "heated".
Well, it's been about 4 months and it's happened again. This time with again, a friend of a friend, that we both know. An ex GF of an ex roommate, someone that used to sleep over at our house, share meals with us, a friend. Over time, I noticed that this friend was more of my H friend than OUR friend. It became an issue that I didn't trust her and I wasn't comfortable with my H continuing to talk to her (texts,AIM,etc). He would always get defensive and there were times we actually FOUGHT over the subject of this girl.
My H and I recently relocated to Germany because he got a great job opportunity and his family is here. I noticed he has been keeping in CLOSE contact with the "friend", really the only female from the States he has been keeping up with. I had a gut feeling and they have been right every time. I checked his phone, and this time, the texts were VERY sexual. And written in past tense.
H swears nothing physical happened (Even though he worked from home while I worked 14 hours a day/30min away and the "friend" lived 2min away). He says he was looking for attention, not because I don't give him enough, but because he has been feeling insecure since putting on a little weight and wanted to know he's still got it (his words). Also, he started talking to her like this after we got into a BIG argument about 2 months ago. Since confronting him, he has been Super H and has cried alongside me, feeling overwhelmed with guilt and knowing that he had everything he wanted this whole time and did something so stupid.
Divorce is not an option for me. He made these mistakes before we got married and I chose to marry him anyway. This is the decision I have to live with. I just want to believe him when he says he can do better and he's done being stupid. If that's true, why didn't he make that happen when we got married? Why now?
I hurt so much and want this to be ok. He is my best friend, that's why I married him. We were happy, again, before I found those texts last week. But this time, I just can't stop thinking about how much this hurts. It hurts so much more than the last times.
Not even sure why I'm posting this. There's really not much to say, guess I just needed to vent it out to a bunch of strangers that have lived through/read it all.
If anyone actually does, thanks for reading/commenting. You are now the only ones besides my husband and myself that know about this recent incident.
Re: Caught him sexting someone we know.. (A little long, sorry)
This could be MUD but if not....
Leave him. Emotional cheating is just one opportunity away from the real thing.
Absolutely and positively NOT ACCEPTABLE:
Soooo, my hubby (of one year, four years together now), has made a habit of "looking for attention" every few months by texting younger women (I am only 24 myself).
Excuse me, but what constitutes "younger women"??
Not acceptable...and if there is a chance that these girls are very underage...he's in huge huge trouble.
If you find that these are young girls, report him to the police.
If this is not the case, this is still wrong and bad news. "Looking for attention"? He needs to get this FROM YOU.
And he has no business texting any women, period.
Leave this jerk -- get your marriage annulled in a civil court.
The first person it happened with was an old friend of a friend of his that I actually stumbled across awhile back and reunited him with. It started as inappropriate flirting. With every instance, it got more "heated".
The first time this happened he should have been out of your life and out of your home....
And it happened again? How did you not eject him from your life the first time?
Well, it's been about 4 months and it's happened again. This time with again, a friend of a friend, that we both know. An ex GF of an ex roommate, someone that used to sleep over at our house, share meals with us, a friend. Over time, I noticed that this friend was more of my H friend than OUR friend.
Again, why did you not say goodbye to him there and then?
It became an issue that I didn't trust her and I wasn't comfortable with my H continuing to talk to her (texts,AIM,etc). He would always get defensive and there were times we actually FOUGHT over the subject of this girl.
Ain't this too bad for him...
H swears nothing physical happened (Even though he worked from home while I worked 14 hours a day/30min away and the "friend" lived 2min away). He says he was looking for attention, not because I don't give him enough, but because he has been feeling insecure since putting on a little weight and wanted to know he's still got it (his words).
Honey, say GOODBYE TO THIS CREEP.
I doubt very much you turned into the Goodyear Blimp. Ain't he some sh!t... "he's still got it"??? Please.
Also, he started talking to her like this after we got into a BIG argument about 2 months ago. Since confronting him, he has been Super H and has cried alongside me, feeling overwhelmed with guilt and knowing that he had everything he wanted this whole time and did something so stupid.
Only crying because he got caught.
Divorce is not an option for me. He made these mistakes before we got married and I chose to marry him anyway.
You were a fool to marry this guy. And CHEATING is a dealbreaker. WHY can't you get that much through your head??
This is the decision I have to live with. I just want to believe him when he says he can do better and he's done being stupid. If that's true, why didn't he make that happen when we got married? Why now?
Because he was never ready for marriage. WHY did you marry him, anyway? he doesn't get it that marriage is a lifelong commitment???
I hurt so much and want this to be ok. He is my best friend, that's why I married him. We were happy, again, before I found those texts last week. But this time, I just can't stop thinking about how much this hurts. It hurts so much more than the last times.
As they used to say, with friends like this, who needs enemies?
Leave him. Case closed.
I don't always say this, but I actually agree with a lot of what Tarpon is saying. I honestly feel that anyone who can live with themselves after cheating (emotionally or physically) enough to do it more than once especially, is someone who is toying with you. However, I do understand wanting to make it work. If you plan to do this, this is my opinion:
I think it is IMPERATIVE that you set absolute boundaries at this point. You may have married him despite these flaws, but you can say here and now, "If I ever see anything like this ever again, I will leave you and not look back." This way he knows the consequences. Then, you need to explicitly define what is "anything like this". If you're uncomfortable with him ever even speaking to that woman again (Which I would be!) then you should say that. If you don't want to ever see a flirtatious text, tell him. He has lost his right to privacy in this case, or at least i believe so. If he has nothing to hide, he'll show you everything. Therefore, you should be able to check his phone anytime you please. Don't leave anything out. If he doesn't agree to any of the conditions, walk away. This is a partnership - that doesn't mean you get to put up with his mistakes and he gets to walk away feeling a little guilty. That means you both have to be willing to work at it.
I am so sorry that you have this horrible decision to make. No one should have to feel this way. Good luck to you, and I hope that whatever happens, you can be happy.
Divorce is absolutely an option. Think about the example you're setting for your children. You're telling them that it's OK to be cheated on and walked all over.
Way to go, mom. Way to show them what self respect looks like.
Doormat.
I am guessing the OP is from the "until death do you part" school. Yeah, but remember there is a "forsaking all others" school, too...and boy he's sure forsaken you.
No decent and happily married man behaves the way the OP's H is behaving. He has no business texing or sexting anybody.
This is an affair, period. And it is pretty much the same kind of affair as one where the 2 of them are having full out sex. Don't put up with this BS -- this isn't a mature relationship that you and he have. And he is not a decent married man.
And the "younger women" thing is creepy --- how much younger are they? That's a crucial factor, too. And if it's what I think it is, this guy's a felon, also. I'm not saying they are that young; you'd be wise to find out just how young this person is.
And indeed, Five_Letter is spot on: Your "marriage" and the treatment that your H is giving you is no example for your kids. They will get the idea that it is okay to be a doormat and that this is the way men and women act when it comes to having a relationship.
In all honesty, what was your relationship with him like before you got married? Was this mess going on before the wedding, perchance with other women?
Tell us why you got married when you did; did you see it as the next step or "it was the thing to do being we were together X years"?
This mess began a scant 8 months into your marriage. This "marriage" is already broken; I don't see anything fixable here. He's got a problem with committment and he's got a problem understanding that in no size shape or form what he is doing is okay and acceptable. This is NOT a "friendship." If this was a friend, you know it would be a lot different -- and NO sexting would be involved.
I am sure you have guy friends... and you and your guy friends do not behave like this toward each other. You know what a bona fide friendship is...and you know when something is fishy and funky. You're not born yesterday.
And that he continued to contact her after you expressed your dislike of it shows me he has a lack of respect for you and zero character.
What's so wonderful about him, really? So far he is a great big zero on all fronts.
Get rid of him and do it now. As I said, there is a "forsaking all others" nullification -- he sure as all heck forsaked you and big time.
This is the thing. He emotionally cheated, you married him anyway. Divorce is not an option for you. Even though he keeps hurting you emotionally, each time worse than the last, he still keeps doing it. Why? because he knows you won't leave. You being hurt clearly isn't enough to make him stop. This way he gets emotional validation from someone else and he gets to have you, its win win for him, all he has to do is put up with some crying on the rare occasions when he is caught.
I don't see this changing. You can stick it out but will just continue to be hurt. 24 is way too young to settle for this type of nonsense, you can do better.
Fook me once, shame on me. Fook me twice...
And you know the REST.
He's called your bluff and he knows he has you by the short n curlies.
And not only will she continue to be hurt by this bullshit, it'll also kill what is left of the little of self esteem that she has.
Get tested. Who knows who he's been with? you have no promise that he never had sex with these telephone friends of his.
It's admirable that you don't want to "throw in the towel" as it were. Marriage takes work, and it's good that you recognize that.
Having said that- WTH, OP. He's been cheating on you for years, since before you were married, and you condoned this sh** behavior by marrying him. You're 24 years old, OP. As PPs have said, 24 is way too young to settle for this bs. He clearly doesn't want to work on your marriage, and he clearly doesn't care how you think or feel, because if he did he WOULDN'T CHEAT.
I'm sure it feels to him like he has the best of both worlds. You'll never leave, and he knows that- so he knows he can keep doing whatever he wants and it won't make the slightest bit of difference. Also? He's not your best friend. Best friends don't treat each other this way. Best friends respect each other's feelings enough to know that it's not cool if one of them is hurting. And he's supposed to be more than your best friend anyway- he's supposed to be the one person in the world who has your back when nobody else does.
I've known DH my entire adult life. I love that man more than anything. And I can't imagine my life without him in it. But I can tell you right now that if he EVER treated me the way your H treats you, I'd be gone so fast you'd never know I was there. I wouldn't want my son to think that this is the right way to treat a woman- and I wouldn't want my hypothetical daughter to think for a second that this is the kind of treatment she deserves.
Get your finances in order, get tested, then run like the wind. You don't deserve this.
Divorce isn't an option for you?
Well, I really don't know what to tell you except prepare yourself for a lifetime of misery.
If it didn't bother you enough to break up with him before the wedding, then I'm not sure why you're even bothering to post about it now.
You know who he is. He is who he has always been. And, presumably, you are the doormat you always were. This is the way it's going to be forever, until one of you dies. Sounds fun.
Onslow thinks you are full of crap!
He is who he is. You knew before the wedding he was capable of this, and post-wedding he's shown you he has no interest in changing.
If you don't want to get divorced, that's your choice .. but he's not going to change so you're only other option is to suck it up and deal with it. I can't give sympathy to somebody that's just willing to sit back and stay in a crappy marriage because "divorce is not an option".
I'm more than willing to start validating people's ideas when they start having ideas worth validating
You knew going in he was a cheater..and yet you still married him. why would he stop now? You have given him complete permission to continue cheating, so maybe when you catch an STD from him divorce will become an option.
I feel so sorry for women like you who have no self respect. Its so sad to see women so desperate.
Get some counseling maybe that will help you.
I don't think anyone wants to get divorced, but there is no way in hell I would let MH get away with it. I would divorce his azz.
My Ovulation Chart BFP-11/10/11 ectopic. Methotrexate on 12/1/11. BFP #2-08/17/2012 FX for a ute-baby! 15DPO beta-387 HCG; 36 progesterone
Since you said divorce is "not an option" I am wondering WHAT is an option. You are frickin TWENTY FOUR years old. That is a long long long time to be emotionally beat down, abused and miserably self concious. Oh and to have no option to have a child or a real marriage? That is the other option
I am in the smack dab middle of the most painful thing ever, divorce from MH who is the father of our, very very young, two children. I still have milk cominng out of my breasts from our son being born!! Holy moly. Sorry if that is TMI but it shows how for me divorce at first was not an option. But he did things that crossed the line and they weren't even close to what your H is currently doing and doing repeatedly.
So my option was to stay for 40 more years of feeling like crap, wondering why ***I*** wasn't good enough, what he was doing, who was on the phone and showing my DD she could be walked on and treated like crap and my DS that he could walk on his wife and cheat on her. So yeah divorce was my ONLY option. And although I am bleeding inside and more hurt than I thought possible I know I made the right choice. I dont have to sit on the couch sick to my stomach at 2 am wondering why he isnt there, what he is doing. He could banging every little sliz from here to NY and it doesnt matter to me!! He ISNT banging me, period.