Married Life
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Resentful Husband? I'm at a loss...
We have a 2 year old daughter and just had our son a month ago. Right after I got pregnant, my husband took a new position where he got to pursue a longtime dream to open his own business in a school. Needless to say, he was very busy this year while I was pregnant and I started getting worried that his later hours would be hard to maintain once the second baby came. Sure enough, the night my water broke, DH rolled his eyes because of all the meetings and things he would have to cancel because of this little "inconvenience" that was about to complicate the next few days. He took a few days off, went back to work and we've been arguing ever since. I don't know what to do. I am home for the summer because I'm a teacher and taking care of a 2 year old and a newborn is really hard! Especially when there's housework and errands and things to take care of as well! The worst part is that he was really amazing with our first daughter and was so excited about everything that our new life had to bring. Now it's like he's resentful of how these two kids have forced him to slow down career-wise even if he really isn't slowing down! I wish someone other than me could just explain to him what having a family means and the sacrifices you have to make at least for a little while! Of course there will be sacrifices now forever but the ones I'm talking about are for while they are completely dependent on us for everything. I'm sick of having the same argument about how we have to come up with a plan to make things easier for me when all he has to do is just pull his weight! At this point, I'm doing more than 80% of the child-raising and that is not what I signed up for when I married him or when I got pregnant with each kid. I don't know what to do...Thanks for reading.
Re: Resentful Husband? I'm at a loss...
I say this with kindness, really.
Your husband is seriously overworked & extrordinarily stressed. (Not that you aren't.) You need to cut him some slack & get help with dishes/cleaning/laundry from other sources than your husband if at all possible. You both need things to be easier on both of you.
I am sorry you feel like DH resents your new baby. Part of me thinks it's because he has so little time during the day to do anything, let alone enjoy the new little stress-maker. Do get some help. Do expect less of your husband in terms of housework/chores/errands. Do give both of yourselves a break. Building a new business is HARD work, and it does seem like he's trying to make good for your family.
Marriage changes, esp. with kids in the mix. You've got to roll with it together or the inevitable rocky times will cut you to shreds.
Sofamonkey has great tips, and I agree with her. Good luck to you, OP.
Absolutely this. My DH owns a business & it is extraordinarily stressful. While being at home w/a baby & a toddler is equally as stressful (if not more!), you can't discount what he's trying to do as well for the good of your family. Many guys show their care & love by working & providing for their family. Maybe try to talk to him calmly about your concerns when you are in a non-stressful moment, and tell him how much you appreciate him, and how you're feeling concerned, want to work together in this new phase of your life & make sure he has positive time w/the kids as well.
You are in the FIRE girl. I think having a baby & toddler is one of the hardest things I've ever gone through, esp. w/a DH who works so much. It is a new adjustment for all of you!
It's common for men to react this way. A little less common for the 2nd child, but maybe he just wasn't completely prepared for the changes that would occur, especially since he's trying to fullfill one of his dreams. Here's an article about "Maintaining A Healthy Relationship While Parenting" (http://www.relatespace.com/2012/05/17/maintainting-a-healthy-relationship-while-parenting )I hope this helps! I'd also suggest talking to him about it... not blaming or making him feel guilty, but simply stating your concerns and the way the situation is making you feel. Good Luck!
This article may help discuss the issue w/ your husband: http://www.relatespace.com/2012/06/18/is-fighting-healthy-for-a-marriage