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Question about lying to your partner
I am not for a minute saying lying is positive in a relationship. However I am curious about how many people here can honestly say they have never lied to their partner about anything. I feel like anytime anyone has a problem here it comes back to the part where the partner lied, not what they did. Oh your H watches porn? That's ok, just not that he lied, oh he sexted another woman? The lying is the problem. I feel like it is human nature to not want to hurt our partner, but we also all tend to be somewhat selfish about our wants. I guess I don't feel like lying should always be the problem, if its about something big, or constant then ok. But gasp! A man who occasionally masturbates to porn when your out and doesn't tell you? Not really shocking in my opinion.
I know I have lied to my H before, or at the very least hid the truth a bit.I am probably going to take $20.00 bucks off the price of my new jeans. I don't leave my vibrator or erotica laying around, I'm not going to tell him if I got a new erotic novel. When he asked me what I did today I might not say, oh I read about people's sex problems on the nest, then checked out tinynibbles.com, then rubbed one out. Not because I forgot but because I can't really see it benefiting us. I don't like him watching porn, he has reduced his use and is focusing on me but will probably always watch some. I don't really want to know when he finds a new site, or watches.
Some things are big deals, but I also feel like sometimes blaming the lying is as bad as women believing the lies over and over. If something is truely a deal breaker it should be a deal breaker right away, not the third time you find him sexting. Anyway just curious about others opinions.
Re: Question about lying to your partner
I agree w/ a lot of what you said. I feel like people get SO caught up in the lie, the LIE, THE LIE!!!!!! that they are losing sight of the fact that there is a bigger problem at hand.
Now that I have a 3.5 year old, I see that it starts YOUNG. People lie when they are called out on doing something that is supposedly wrong. You can SEE a child do something they aren't supposed to do, and when you say "did you just do ___?", their immediate response is "no".
People don't like getting in trouble!!!! Especially if it's something they may not agree is wrong (porn) or it's something they can't control (an addiction like smoking, and heck, maybe they don't want to control it!!).
Deal w/ the bigger issue first. Get that under control, THEN deal w/ the lie.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Oh I have lied before. It's always tiny things. If I ate an entire "insert here" then I will probably claim that I had less then I actually did. And your right...it's not the lying that is ever the issue. It's whatever they are doing that is making them feel they need to lie that is the problem. I 100 percent agree. This is something I have honestly never thought about before so it's great you brought it up.
He lies about pretty much everything and anything. And at this point, it goes beyond insecurity and immaturity: this is a mental issue.
He lies about pretty much everything and anything. And at this point, it goes beyond insecurity and immaturity: this is a mental issue.
In general, lying about small things leads to lying about big things. Yeah, if I made a complicated dinner and my H ate fast food before he came back from work, I'd be pissed, because that's hours of my time down the tubes when I could have been doing something else. I'd also be pissed if he forgot to pay his credit card on time, because that affects both of us and our son.
It's not so much the lying as it is the disrespect that lying indicates- at least for me. It's like lying about something (like gambling, or drugs, or cheating) somehow makes it worse than if the man in question just came clean at first. If someone lies to you enough- and I don't care what it's about- eventually, you start wondering what else they're keeping from you. And a marriage built on constant suspicion isn't a marriage at all, IMO.
I agree.
I agree with OP. People seem to have this attitude that it's not okay to be mad about something, because "everyone makes mistakes" or something silly like that, but that it's more acceptable to be mad that someone lied to you.
I have lied to my husband before, and he knows it. These things range from "No, I didn't prepare this with low fat sour cream [even though it tastes exactly the same and you'll never know the difference]" to "Yes, I love that [hideously ugly] moss colored shirt you got for $1.50 on Amazon!". He has lied to me too, like that he just loves my cat even though I know he would occasionally like to feed him to a coyote. There's just a huge line between that and the big stuff.
That being said, if he did lie to me about something, like an affair, or some sort of financial problem, etc, I wouldn't be nearly as mad that he lied as I would be that he f**ked up so badly. The lie doesn't help, but how does it benefit me for him to say, "Yes, I did it" when I already know he did? Or people who forgive people who lie because they tell the truth once confronted. That's not really being noble, that's seeking a lighter punishment because you already know you're caught.