Newly Married...why the constant fights?

Happybee121

I married a wonderful man in MAY 2012, and lately it seems like we are fighting like crazy over mis-understandings, assumptions, stupid things.  This is my 1st marriage, his 2nd (we are both in our early 40s).  My husband has a 9 year old son, I don't have any children.  I think we are going through "growing pains" with all the schedule changes, seeing each other all the time, trying to get one home ready to sell (we did not live together prior to marriage), etc.  Is this normal to argue like this? 

Thank you for your feedback!

NewEnglandWifey

Happybee121:

I married a wonderful man in MAY 2012, and lately it seems like we are fighting like crazy over mis-understandings, assumptions, stupid things.  This is my 1st marriage, his 2nd (we are both in our early 40s).  My husband has a 9 year old son, I don't have any children.  I think we are going through "growing pains" with all the schedule changes, seeing each other all the time, trying to get one home ready to sell (we did not live together prior to marriage), etc.  Is this normal to argue like this? 

Thank you for your feedback!

Moving in together is a HUGE change- so yes, this might be contribute to some extra spats while you are  sorting out the daily routine of living together in the same space.

HOWEVER, if you are constantly having 'misunderstanding'  or assumptions causing fights then you need to improve your communication.....and quickly! 

lindsaynewbride10

Shortly after our wedding in august last year, we began having little "spats". We would bicker about the least important things in the world. It lasted maybe a month, and it just all of a sudden stopped. We haven't had any of these problems since.

 I think though, that just the stress of being a newlywed, no matter your ages, can take a toll. You just have to know when to pick your battles. I would highly recommend seeing some type of communication counselor/therapist if these issues don't stop popping up within the next few months, though.

GL!

booyey

Yes, I think it's pretty normal. We had lots of little nitpicky things we fought about, but got them worked out quickly and rarely fight now. I think mostly because we both learned to let go of the little things, whereas when we were newlywed we thought we had to stake our territory.

MommyLiberty5013

Our HM was a disaster from the bickering stand-point. We both view it as our least-favorite vacation together.

Something weird happens to couples after all the wedding hype is over and normal life resumes. I think it's par for the course to have some growing pains. But, you are right to watch out for stuff. If you can both be mindful, apologize to one another, and try and pause from life's business, those can all help.

TarponMonoxide

Counseling for you both --- you both likely have a separate style of communicating.

This is fixable. Good luck --- you need to learn to communicate with each other and resolve issues to BOTH your satisfaction without it turning into a fightfest.:)

nikki2601

Seek counseling..the first year of marriage can be difficult. The growing pains of many changes can be a lot of any new marriage. Seek outside help to assist with improving communication and blending families. 

MyaMaternity

Yes it is normal, especially since you didn't live together prior to marriage.  You are both adjusting to each other and trying to deal with big changes.  My advice is to just take it down a notch when you see that you are starting to argue.  Just keep quiet and talk things out in a nice way.  Never assume anything and don't start or continue fights that have no grounds for even being a fight to begin with.  It is a big change so do the best you can. Marriage is tough but you can get through it.   

rakle99

The first year of marriage is really hard, and moving in together can be a big shocker. My husband and I argued all the time when we first got married. Every time we argued we always asked each other what we could do to avoid this same argument in the future. Sometimes we would get really frustrated because it seemed like we had to have a two hour discussion on everything, but we knew it was needed, because we knew it meant that in the future we wouldn't need to discuss it. It's A LOT of change and A LOT of hard work in the beginning. My husband and I also got counseling separately, and that really helped us a lot too.

misspunky

Moving in together is a huge change and can definitely be stressful. What I've seen with my friends and family is sometimes when you first get married, you subconsciously realize that you're in a committed union and may feel more comfortable in showing irritations or speaking your mind without worrying your spouse will leave you. Does that make sense? Just give it time and work hard at it

gryffindor

We fought a lot the first 1.5 years.  Fought to the point where we live in an apartment building so the neighbors were anonymously calling the doormen on us.  The building management started sending nastygrams in person and by certified mail telling us to tone it down or be tossed out.  After a few of those, I resolved to not let things blow up to that level anymore from my side when an argument started because I was embarrassed.  If only one of us (he) was ranting, there would only be half the noise.   Maybe counseling works for others, but I knew it wouldn't work for us.  My husband is not a communicator and doesn't believe in "counseling."  I believe in communication but I don't believe counseling will work if one person is totally against it.  Instead I worked hard to figure out what was making our lives so miserable after they were joined together by marriage and how could we resolve it.  He resisted a lot at first when it came to changing things, but started helping slowly bit by bit.

Two years of married life later, we have moved out of that building and into a new place.  I am much happier, we both have toned down the behaviors that were causing the other person to freak out, and life is much more manageable now.