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What happened to my perfect marriage?
At this point I have been married for less than 2 months and my husband is already talking about getting a divorce. We dated for 6 1/2 years when we got engaged and got married at 7 1/2 years, so it's not like we rushed into anything and didn't get a chance to know each other before we took the plunge. Things weren't always rainbows and sunshine when we were just dating but out of pure stupidity I thought that getting married and living together would bring us closer together and make us a happier couple. Well apparently I was wrong.
We never lived together before we got married so we both knew that it would be a huge adjustment. We both lived with our parents so we were used to having them do everything for us (especially him). We have always argued and said things that we didn't mean just to hurt the other but I never thought it would blow up like it has now. In all of the years we dated we never once broke up, so in my mind I always thought that if we could make it through everything that we had been through we could make it through anything and we would be together forever.
In my eyes things had been ok or normal so far, but I could tell things were a lot different between us for the past 3 days. We weren't talking at all. He used to call me 20 times a day and every time we got off the phone he would tell me he loves me. Now, he only calls to wake me up in the morning and he may or may not say it when we get off the phone. He didn't tell me goodnight when he went to bed the 2nd night or even want to be tucked in (and that is a HUGE deal) and on the 3rd night he went and slept on the couch. Last night we were sitting at the table and I could tell he wanted to talk. And then he laid it all out. Basically he doesn't know if this is what he wants but he is terrified of what everyone is going to think of him. His parents and grandparents never got divorced so he doesn't want to let them down. He doesn't want my family to hate him. He doesn't want people to think "wow, they were only married 2 months" and I agree, the humiliation is going to be one of the toughest things to deal with. He said he sees how his married friends interact with their spouses but it's nothing like us and he wants what they have. How does he know what goes on when they are alone? We are not them, we are us! I asked him if he wanted me to leave and he said he didn't know, so I went to the bedroom and started packing some clothes to leave and that's when he really broke down and started crying and asked "are you leaving for good?" My response was "Isn't that what you wanted?" and all he could say is "I don't know what I want anymore". He also said that ending it now would be so much simpler than later when there are kids and houses and everything else involved. He is terried of bringing a child into this madness and doesn't want to put them in the middle of a divorce.
My nerves are so tore up about everything that I have made myself physically sick, I can't eat, I can't concentrate on my work, I cry non-stop because I cant stop thinking about everything. I just don't know what to do or what is going to happen. After we talked (and cried) for hours last night we ended up going to bed together and when he left this morning his kissed me goodbye before he went to work and he told me he loved me. I called him on my way to work and we talked and all he could tell me is "try not to worry about it all day long and get so upset at work" (again, I think he doesn't want people to know that something's wrong). Even though he said things would be alright he didn't tell me he loved me before he hung up so I tried calling him back and he didn't answer but called me right back. I told him that he didn't tell me he loved me so he said it but I don't know if he meant it or just said it because it's what I wanted to hear.
I don't know if the way he feels is normal for a young married man that is just realizing that his whole life has changed and is about to change even more. I just know that I cannot imagine my life without him in it and this is really not what I want!
Re: What happened to my perfect marriage?
Before you both make some rash decisions, get yourselves into joint counseling and learn how to communicate. Moving in with someone is a huge adjustment and just because things aren't perfect, you don't just run out the door back to your parent's house.
Certainly he is right that ending things now before kids would be easier but you both need to put an effort into this before you just bail out. Hopefully he will agree and you can get working!
You NEVER had a "perfect marriage" because NO marriage is perfect!
Add to that the fact that you clearly had major issues that you chose to ignore before getting married so I'm not really sure what you expected?!
Well it sounds like you had a lot of issues before you got married. Getting married and moving in together (as you can tell) only makes those issues worse and brings them to light.
And there is no such thing as the perfect marriage. It especially sounds like things weren't so "perfect" before you were married either. I'd say some individual counseling and marriage counseling might be good first steps for you both. It doesn't really sound like either of you have lived independently and learned to care for yourselves on your own.
Regarding the part that's bolded - stop! I know it's hard but you arent doing yourself any favors here. And don't worry over him not saying he loves you when he normally does. If I'm pissed at my guy I do this too... it doesnt mean I love him any less. Sometimes we hurt those we love most. (I'm not condoning it at all - just saying don't take it to heart). He married you for a reason, he stuck by your side for 7 years for a reason... a 2 month rough patch doesn't make that all go away. In all honestly, it's probably fear manifesting in dickheaded-ness.
The two of you made a vow to one another. Relationships/marriages take work. (And I agree with the other posters - there is no such thing as a "perfect" marriage - marriage is and always will be a work in progress). The two of you are going through a huge adjustment right now. It's going to take a special effort on both your parts to get through this period. It's going to require open and honest (brutally if need-be) communication - a discussion about your expectations of one another, what role you play in each other's lives, etc. Did you do any pre-marital counseling? Either way, couples/marriage counseling will do you both some good. It brings to light issues you may have never thought of or discussed, and you do it in a setting with a neutral third party.
I wish you luck. Keep us posted.
Things weren't always rainbows and sunshine when we were just dating but out of pure stupidity I thought that getting married and living together would bring us closer together and make us a happier couple. Well apparently I was wrong.
Sorry, but it doesn't work this way.:(
The same way bringing a kiddo into a shaky marriage doesn't make the marriage stronger or bulletproof. (we see that a lot on this board)
Counseling for the both of you.
He called HOW many times a day??? That's a little much and a little claustrophobic for me and besides, who the heck has time to call somebody 20 times a day??
You already have unrealistic expectations. Marriage is not going to be all sunshine and roses and candy colored sunsets -- there will be days you can't stand the sight of him and vice versa.... and passion waxes and wanes. That is how it is.
Talk to any couple married quite awhile -- I'm talking in excess of 20 years -- and they will tell you the same thing.
Counseling stat. If it turns out that there are too many issues and ones that are impossible to resolve, you and he will have to decide where to go from here.
Give this a week and sit down and tallk to him. Make the counseling a must and make his agreement of it contingent upon the continuation of the marriage.
And living together, period, is an adjustment. YOu have to get used to having another person in and around. The other person will be coming and going and leaving his or her mess behind or spending time in the bathroom or plopping down in front of the TV to watch whatever...when it's time for when you used to plop down in front of the tv to watch whatever it is: it takes getting used to.
Don't believe everything you read, hear or what other couples say: every marriage is different. Like i said, everybody has their issues and other situations to hash out and resolve.
Nobody's marriage is perfect. And don't believe, above all, what you hear about newlyweds and what happens during the first year: again, every couple is different.
And there is a way to handle a fight by NOT calling names or being purposely rotten and saying something to hurt the other person: not mature, not right and it's abusive. You 2 need counseling just for that alone.
Yikes! I missed that one...
He just can't pack up and go like this is a ball game that got rained out. Hasn't this guy got any adult coping skills at all?
Therapy, stat, for the both of you, and therapy for you, by yourself. This guy sounds like he's about 7 years of age.
Eye to eye. I think couple's and individual counseling would be an excellent start.
Its perfectly fine that you two chose not to live together before marriage. Many studies have shown that cohabitation before marriage increases the risk of divorce. So that part is harmless.
What does strike me as an issue is that you both lived at home and had obviously never been forced to fend for yourselves. You should absolutely be out on your own before you even think about marriage. There will be a lot of "big kid" problems that you will both encounter in the future, not only as a couple (if you stay married) but on a personal level as well. If you have no experience with the outside world, how do you plan on dealing with the hurtles that life is going to throw your way? And its not just one of you that's inexperienced, which will make it that much more difficult for you two to withstand the stress.
As far as the relationship goes, it sounds like you two had some sort of teeny-bopper routine that was unrealistic and uncharacteristic of an adult married couple. If my husband called me 200 times a day, I'd turn off my phone. That's not normal, that's some weird form of dependency that can get you in a lot of trouble in regards to your relationship.
Oh, and he also sounds like he is two. He has to be tucked in AND he's a crier? Fingers crossed that he hits puberty at some point this year.
He needed to be tucked in every night and was calling you 20 times a day when things were "perfect"?
I'm more than willing to start validating people's ideas when they start having ideas worth validating
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Part of the problem: you are looking for somebody needy; bingo, he's it.
I still can't quite fathom who has time to call somebody 20 times a day! Sheesh....
Maybe if you act like his mommy he will want to stay married.
Seriously, this guy is fvcked up.
Get some help. And for God's sake stop tucking your husband in.
Onslow thinks you are full of crap!
I agree with MrsBucket. Therapy, STAT. Actually, sooner than STAT, if such a thing is even possible. Stop tucking your husband in.You're his wife, not his mother.
Also- if he doesn't tell you he loves you 20 times a day- that doesn't mean that he doesn't love you. It just means he doesn't want to tell you 20 times a day. And there's no such thing as a perfect marriage, thank God- because if there was, it wouldn't be realistic.
TBH, your entire post reminded me of a "How I Met Your Mother" episode- the one where Barney dates a girl who they all know as "Oh, Honey". That's sort of what you've got going on here.
Your marriage isn't suffering because you did not live together before you were married. Your marriage is suffering because you both have unrealistic assumptions about what marriage is.
Marriage is a public (sacred or secular) commitment to stay together despite life's ups and downs. It's defining what team you play for and who's in your corner. And, marriage is an agreement TO WORK. Hard work. No matter what.
Everyone's marital relationship has its share of oddities (tucking in would fall into that category), so I'm not going to judge since my DH and I have our weird things we do too.
You do need counseling. And, if your religion/faith is important to you, I recommend finding a marriage counselor who shares your worldview. There is no shame in this.
Also, how old are you?
Oh, Ramona. I love when you pop over here and say what I'm thinking.
I'd probably throw my phone out a window if my husband called me twenty times a day. Good lord. I love him and all, but I've got ish to do.
Everybody says "the first year is the hardest" and it really is! My husband and I fought horribly for the first 6 months of our marriage...fights we never had before getting married. We dated for 2 1/2 years before we got married, and never once did either of us threaten to end our relationship. I think one of us talked about leaving at least every other day for awhile...but once we got used to living together and figured out what we needed from each other, things got easier. We've been married a little over 2 years, and we still argue, but its nothing compared to before.
Don't give up...give yourselves time to adjust to living together and being married before you make any permanent decisions!
I haven't been married long either (our first anniversary is a week from tomorrow), but I can give you a little advice.
First - compromise is key. It's hard to start living with someone, no matter when you do it. It feels like your personal space has just become extremely small, and there's no "sleeping on it" - you're sleeping in the same bed with that person now. So I recommend getting some personal space, ASAP. Whether you like to go to the gym, go to a movie, or even just walk around the mall - hell, you can sit in your car alone if you like it - you have to have a place you can go to just calm down/take a breather. My relationship improved immensely after I started painting with headphones on in the garage.
Second, I think many couples can't see the forest for the trees. You're happy, you love each other, and you do have this great living situation now. Only, if you do a lot of arguing, it's hard to see the rest of that stuff. All you see is the bad. Maybe you should take a time out, and pretend that you are "doing over" your first date. Remind yourselves why you got married. Then, when you later feel like screaming obscenities, you can hopefully remember what made you fall in love.
Finally, I never recommend worrying about what other people think. Your husband needs to stop worrying about his co-workers and start worrying about your relationship. Maybe couple's therapy is a good idea, or maybe it's not right for you. Either way, you'll regret it forever if you just give up because it's easier now than later.
I hope you guys can work it out!
I have been married for 1.5 years and had a somewhat similar situation arise a few months ago. The similarities were that even though we had no major "real" issues, my husband had some serious difficulty adjusting to the idea of being married. My response, like yours, was to freak the eff out.
As far as your relationship not being perfect before marriage, nobody's is, and when you're contemplating divorce it's easy to start making connections to things that happened before in order to convince yourself that "I should have seen this coming." Now that my marriage crisis has passed, those "red flags" look like regular personality quirks again. However, you both definitely need to work on fighting fair.
My personal opinion is that he loves you but is freaking out about this adjustment. From someone who's been there, here's what you should do.
1) STOP CRYING. Don't be pathetic and needy, don't be all over him begging him to reassure you. His reassurances feel hollow now because you have to beg for them, so stop asking. Watch his actions. He asked you not to leave. You will just have to deal with the uncertainty for now.
2) Remember why he fell in love with you, and act more like that again. You didn't see each other all the time before marriage. You got alone time, and time with your family, time with your friends. Spend a few nights a week apart. Not because your marriage is in trouble and you need space, but because it's important to stay a balanced person and not get lost in your marriage. Don't act resentful if he does stuff without you. And let him miss you a little. Cultivate yourself a bit. Get into a new hobby, make some new friends.
3) Try not to be so serious about your marriage. Threats of divorce, rejection, and uncertainty bring out the worst in most people, which perpetuates the negative cycle of not getting along. In my situation, I finally came to the realization that if he left me I would be ok, and I stopped trying to fix things and focused on my own personal happiness. I basically refused to argue with him and stayed in a good mood no matter what. Getting myself into a better place made me feel better on the day-to-day, and it made me a more attractive person to be around. This made my H want to spend time with me.
In sum, don't let your H's difficulty adjusting to the marriage turn you into an insecure wreck. Stay awesome and he will come around and remember why he married you in the first place.
He doesn't want people to think "wow, they were only married 2 months" and I agree, the humiliation is going to be one of the toughest things to deal with.
This is the part that leapt out at me. If the embarrassment of a quick divorce is your biggest issue with bailing out, then deep down you perhaps know that things in your relationship were not perfect.
Seek counselling. Make a choice about what you really want for your life. Try not to let the opinions of others be a deciding factor for you.