Relationships
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Does it get better...
My husband and I weren't married very long when we got pregnant. In fact we weren't together very long before saying "I do." With the birth of our first baby, a girl, I'm getting more & more nervous about the choices we have made. I am bringing a little girl into a very uncertain world...and I don't know what I made it so uncertain. Is it my Pregnancy hormones? Or is this my life? My husband cares more about getting a new truck & boat motor, the anything baby-related. I wanted the nursery done before the babyshower & when I got upset that he had been slacking, he told me to do it myself if I'm so worried. His excuse? He believes his life is going to be over once the baby gets here & that he will never have anything again. Yes, it will be different...but if we get as much as we can ready for her now, there will be less to worry ab once she has arrived. How do I know if things are gonna get better once the hormones balance back out?
Re: Does it get better...
The answer to your question is that you don't know if things will get better. Exactly how long did you know your husband before you got pregnant/got married? That might give you an answer.
TBH, your husband's feelings aren't that out of the ordinary. A lot of men feel that way. There's a saying that women become mothers when they find out they're pregnant, and men become fathers when they hold their child for the first time. In my experience (admittedly limited to my friends who are mothers), this is true. You have urgency about this baby because you're carrying it- your husband doesn't have the same urgency because he isn't. It seems like a no-brainer, but it really isn't, at least not for a lot of men. In my case, my DH is the type of guy who desperately wants to be a dad- and even he thinks I'm overpreparing for our son.
My suggestion is to sit your husband down and have a serious talk with him. Tell him exactly how you feel, and ask him what you two can do together to 1) make you feel more prepared and 2) help him feel like his life isn't ending. Also, explain to him that it's probably better not to spend a buttload of money on toys when you've got a baby on the way. Say something like, "Honey, I love you- and I also love our daughter, which is why you need to understand that I want her to have the best of everything once she gets here. I know you love me, and I know you love her too, so I really need your help with this."
Set up a budget- x amount for the household, x amount for emergencies, x amount for the baby, x amount for fun money (that you then divide in half, so you can have some fun money and he can have some to save for his toys). If there's any leftover from your other budgets at the end of the month, put it in a savings account, either for the family or for the baby (a college fund or what have you). Are you a one-income or two income family? Do you have a joint checking/savings account?
I hope this helps. The only way you can really fix this is by having a plan (or several) and sticking to it. If a conversation won't work, I suggest going to marriage counseling- talking about it in front of a third party might help.
My H use to feel similarly (and still does sometimes). He feels like he won't have enough time to relax; that life will be about work and then our kids with no 'him time'. We don't have kids yet and that's one of the big reasons why. I want him to be as ready as I am. He's getting there slowly but surely.
I agree with the pp, you two need to have a serious chat about how you're both feeling and do some compromising. FWIW I think him telling you to set up the nursery if it's so important to you makes him an a$$. You shouldn't be around paint fumes or lift heavy things (like furniture). I hope you two can makes things work together just talking it out. If that doesn't work, look for a marriage counselor.
What you have here is an H problem -- he's got to understand the meaning of spending a dollar wisely; you and he and your child are now a growing family.Frills and frivolous purchases are in the past as of now -- and make sure he UNDERSTANDS that.
Try a financial planner....and a marriage counselor. He can't go off spending on a whim. Your child will have needs that require every bit of extra finances.
He also can't talk to you like you're an indentured servant...counseling pronto. And make it a must.
Usually a lurker...You won't know until she gets here. You guys are so lucky to be having a baby and it's such a wonderful part of life. He needs to realize that it's time to grow up and be there for the both of you. I may be the wrong person responding but I just found out yesterday H & I's baby stopped growing at 9 weeks and I was 11 weeks. I'm just torn apart. I'm very sad to hear that your H is concerned about his life being over- very selfish on his part. I think you should tell him it's time to become a man and realize that having a baby means that yourself as number 1 is over-however it's not the end of his life...just means she will be put before himself but he will still have time to do other things, esp as she gets older. Some guys get concerned about this and maybe once she is here he'll change, hopefully. Also-even if you are nervous about the choices you made, they are made and all you can do is try your very best to be a great mom and hopefully your H will follow. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy.