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Teaching children about lying...
Alright, so we have a little issue with SD and lying. She lies A LOT. 99% of the lies aren't a big deal but..it IS lying and it is becoming a huge issue. Further, the older she gets, I can imagine that the lies will become bigger and could cause some serious issues between her mother (who doesn't get that her kid is NOT perfect) and my husband.
For instance...this weekend we decided to plant some flowers. I already knew which ones I wanted to buy but she wanted to buy a different kind of flower. DH pointed out that we already had flowers picked out, we are planting these. SD then said "Well, that's fine, my mama and I planted these flowers yesterday anyway." Clearly a lie. A harmless one, but do we ignore it or what?
Then, there are bigger lies. She wanted a cupcake. She picked out a chocolate cupcake. We remind her that she doesn't like chocolate cupcakes, she says she does. We get it home, she throws a fit because she doesn't like chocolate cupcakes. We tell her to eat it anyway as she picked it out. A few minutes later, she came over to the trashcan with a huge crumpled up napkin. I ask her what is in the napkin, she says it is just the napkin. I ask her what happened to the cupcake, she says she ate it. I opened the napkin and guess what was inside? You got it. It was only 7:30 but we put her to bed and Lord help us she was "crying" and screaming and carrying on. I think she was shocked that we figured out her little game and even more shocked she was being punished.
Clearly, there is a difference in the types of lies that people tell and little kids aren't stupid, although they can't articulate the difference, I think they know the difference. Regardless, I want it to STOP. Most of the lies she tells are relatively harmless but DH and his family all have a little habit of just lying out their @sses and this is not a trait I want her to inherit.
Thoughts?
Re: Teaching children about lying...
That's really frustrating. M tells little lies sometimes (like telling people that she has a little brother on the way and that I'm pregnant), but I don't think she understands.
I'm thinking your SD does, but it seems to be part of a bigger problem. I would generally suggest talk to her mom about, but I'm guessing that would create a bigger problem. The only thing I can think of is sitting her down and talk to her about how lying can hurt people and then enforce timeout.
I'm sorry I don't have better advice to give. I hope it starts getting better.
So which lies do we address? Just the cupcake-type ones? Or the other very small white lies that she tells about her mom?
I think the lies you should focus on are the ones where she's lying to get something. Like the cupcake. She basically did the opposite of what you told her, was unhappy with the result, and then lied to hide the fact that you were right in the first place.
I would almost hope you could talk to her about what the consequences are going to be if she is lying, even for little things. Especially now that you've called her out on it. "The last time you lied to me about something, you were sent to your room at 7:30. Are you sure you're telling me the truth?"
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I would call her on every lie that you clearly catch her on. I don't think you can act on the flower planting with mom thing, because that's just her word against yours and not really something you can prove on the spot.
I think following through with a consistent consequence is the best idea, and good for you for not letting it go or caving when she cried and carried on. Let her know what consequence to expect if she lies (about anything) and every time you can demonstrate that she lied, follow through.
Don't think you are a jerk. I absolutely agree.
Completely agree with this. I learned my lesson the hard way in 4th grade. To this day it's hard for me to even tell a little white lie. If my mom did know about my habits, I wish she'd been more consistent, perhaps it wouldn't have gotten to that point in 4th grade.
I think I'm in the majority here too. Good for you on punishing her for the cupcake lie. I think she needs to know there are consequences.
I used to lie about not feeling good a lot in first grade so that I could go home. My teacher one day sat me down and told me the story of the boy who cried "wolf." That really stuck with me, and it was a good lesson to learn.
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Out of curiosity, what does her mom lie about? Does she do a lot of little lies or big whoppers?
That's incredibly frustrating. I have no tolerance for lying and I'd really struggle with that one for sure.
Well, it is kind of hard to tell...is the mom lying or is SD lying, KWIM? But just little stuff, like we had a conversation about all the clothes in my closet and how I have "more clothes than her mama." and I said "That's why I went to college." Her response was "My mama went to college." I said "Okay, correction, that is why I GRADUATED from college." She said "My mama did too." She flunked out after one semester at OU. She did not graduate. So I said "Did she graduate? Honey, I don't think so." Response "Well, that's what she told me." Did she tell her that? Or did SD just make that up?
As far as actual lies we know told by BM - just the regular ole crap that goes with these situations, sadly.