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I want to want it...
We have been married for a year now, waited till marriage to have sex. My problem is I am hardly EVER in the mood. I don't mind having sex even when I don't feel like it because it's still fun. I just don't get horny. Is this normal? I'm 26 years old and I feel like I should want it now more than ever. My husband is not very flirtatious with me, he is a little shy and tries to avoid moments that could turn sexual. Maybe if we flirted more I would be in the mood more?
Despite my issues with getting in the mood, we still have sex about 3 times a week and I probably orgasm about every 3rd time. I just wish I could figure out how to want it more. I want our sex to be hot and passionate on both ends.
On a separate issue, I am really shy to look at his face while having sex. Both out of being embarrassed that my face looks weird and out of fear that his face will make me laugh. Anyone else feel this way?
Thanks ladies!
Re: I want to want it...
My guess is that it's a mixture of embarrassment/being shy and probably not a lot of foreplay and flirting.
Perhaps if the two of y'all were sexy and flirty even when you aren't going to be alone together until later in the day you would be "in the mood". Sexy texts, touches and jokes can get you excited enough to carry through the day, and may make you want to pounce on him the minute you get home! Not to mention if you two were more comfortable about sex you may be able to explore what the two of you like more.
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i agree with pp
also, if you two are open to it, this is great website to browse with a lot of great advice and tips
http://site.themarriagebed.com/front-page
My BFP Chart Danger Love Blog
Talk to him and maybe he can look for your turn on spots of give you a massage and watch a dvd that your not that intrseted in so that your paying more attention to you husband touching you, maybe that might help
Alot of peoples turn on spot is the neck and sometimes stroing the legs and arms
Think about what really gets you going and share that with him. Just talking about sex - wants, desires, fantasies, etc with your partner will help get you worked up.
And I dont normally walk around horny all day. I'd say half the time I'm horny and ready for it, the other half I know I want it - BUT i need some help getting there. Whether it's sensual leading up to the act (lots of kisses, rolling around, etc) or more sexual (watching porn together, oral, etc), it gets me to a higher level of horny.
And don't worry about how you look to your guy - they LOVE to see your face, your reaction, basically you feeling good. Just try to relax, you're sharing this intimate act with this one person, and it's special - no need to feel shy or embarrassed.
My guess is you have never masturbated, probably due to religious restrictions.
I suggest you start.
There is a book called Sex for One by Betty Dobson -- they call her the Mother of Masturbation. Check the book out.:)
Masturbate on your own. It's a sure fire way to find out what makes you orgasm and when you find out what turns you on and makes you orgasm, show him.
Do you get oral sex?
If not, he needs to start, and stat.
You're sure to have an orgasm if he goes down on you. Make sure you tell him while he is doing it what makes you feel good.:)
I have tried the sexy texts, and yes this does help a lot. I guess what I am wondering more is if it is abnormal that I am not more horny? Could it be a hormonal issue? I also wish I could get him to be more flirtatious with me, I don't know how to pull him out of his shyness.
Thanks for the advice!
Interesting you would jump to that conclusion. While you are right that I am a person of faith (I'm a Christian), you could not be more wrong when you think I have never masturbated. My teenage years were full of that. Now that I have actually had sex, I find masturbating to be somewhat pathetic and hard to get into. I need my husband there in order to "get off". I don't think masturbation is for everyone.
As for oral, I think that is an area he and I will explore more as we mature in our sexual relationship. This is another area I am not completely comfortable with and neither is he. In fact, he doesn't like when I go down on him because he thinks it is disrespectful to make me do that (even if I want to). My biggest issue is not orgasming, because I do frequently, it is more getting in the mood so that the sex is more passionate.
Thanks for the advice!
Okay, you don't like masturbation. (I am puzzled why you don't -- it's great for endorphin release and endorphin release is beneficial to your health. It's the same endorphin release you get through intercourse and sex with your partner)
And if you think you need your H to get you to orgasm, no no and no. A thousand times no.:) You can DIY --- you found that out yourself.
You and he need to see a sex therapist...once again, extreme religiosity has done the trick:
As for oral, I think that is an area he and I will explore more as we mature in our sexual relationship. This is another area I am not completely comfortable with and neither is he. In fact, he doesn't like when I go down on him because he thinks it is disrespectful to make me do that (even if I want to). My biggest issue is not orgasming, because I do frequently, it is more getting in the mood so that the sex is more passionate.
As far as you getting worked up... a few things might work... 1. think about the other times you've been intimate, especially the last time you had an orgasm. 2. read sexy books, I've read Jennifer Crusie - a lot of her books are about relationships, told from the perspective of the female, and there is usually a few steamy scenes. 3. If you're open to it, porn?? There is soft core porn out there that probably wouldn't offend you, it's just enough to get you in the mood.
Don't sweat this too much. You guys will grow together sexually. It took a while to get into a groove with my guy. Even to this day we still tell each other "It's great when you do that" "Let's try this" "Don't do that anymore, that sucks!" Bottom line it takes a lot of communication and you can't be shy! If you're both bashful, have a couple drinks before you talk about it to lighten the mood (or whatever you do to loosen up).
My sweetie and I kiss each other passionately throughout the day. We grab each other's butts, we touch each other in snuggly and sexy ways 10x as often as we actually have sex. That constant connection and sexual/romantic energy keeps me more excited to have sex with him. In past relationships we shared a lot of snuggly energy, but not sexy energy, and it was harder for me to get excited about sex. Just like you were saying. It felt good once I was there but my brain wasn't primed for it so it seemed like a chore to even start. Work toward priming your brains.
Hi Erica!
I also used to be very shy and nervous about sex and experimenting.
Don't be afraid to experiment. You should both go out and get some lingerie and clothes that excite you. YES flirting and foreplay through out the day will make a huge difference.
I completely understand how you feel. My husband sometimes doesn't offer me what I need to be prepared and ready to get randy. I think thats normal for most women.
I suggest trying a few things to see what works for you, you can try porn (doesn't work for everyone but can give you a bit of a start if you need it), you can play with yourself before you know that you two will be having sex, you can ask that he play with you before sex etc.
You two need to be on that same page with sex, if you need to talk to eachother about your expectations I most definitely recommend talking. It is that mature way of handling it I suppose.
I use a little vibrating egg attached by cord to a hand device during sex in certain positions that I have access to my clit (sorry TMI) this helps me get off 99.99 of the time. Women I believe are as much entitled to the right to an orgasm as men. I most DEFINITELY suggest looking for toys that you can use by yourself, with him and that he can use on his own. You will enjoy masturbating again once you find something you enjoy.
I bet you could want it more, if you enjoyed it more and had amazing orgasms. There are DIY and helpful how-tos online, on how to get a woman to orgasm and s***rt... If you both experiment with this I know it will make your sex life a lot more enjoyable. The how tos are GREAT.
I use to be very much like you and like him. Very shy in the bedroom, and very closed off when it came to masturbating and anything sexual. My husband helped me to be a little more ... a lot more open minded, and I am so incredibly happy he did. We have the most amazing sex life, and I wouldn't change it for anything (expect maybe to try something fun and new. =D)
)
I still find it a little intimidating and maybe embarassing to look my husband in the eyes during sex. I do, and we both smile, sometimes we'll giggle, or he'll pause and say "what?" (jokingly) I usually chuckle after looking him in the eye and then we get back to our funny faces. =D
Major improvement in our sex life, was my sex toys. Sometimes I have so much going on in my head I can't orgasm, but the toys are right there keeping me in check and in the right mind set.
A good idea to wanting it more I think is to think about things that turn you on about your husband. My husband does these super sexy things that just make me quiver in my boots and I want to rip his clothes off when he comes home.
There are ways to start over in the bedroom too, that will make you both more bottled up sexually and might add to the ferver you're looking for in the bedroom. Try starting over, only make out and kiss for a week, then the next only kiss and fondle, gradually move up and change it and then at the end of the month (or however long) you are finally back to sex.
Sorry this is so long, and sorry if parts don't make sense I just had surgery a few days ago and I'm still on really strong pain meds.