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How much should we pay?
This weekend, for my dad's 60th birthday, my DH and I, along with my brother have agreed to pay for concert tickets for my parents, as well as a fancy dinner for the five us. I believe I was the one to originally suggest this (I'm the oldest, so I tend to take charge of these things) but my brother was pretty quick to agree.
A little bit of background on all of us:
DH and I are in our early thirties; my brother is 26th. DH works full time and makes a decent salary, I've only worked part time for the past two years (due to budget cuts at my job) and I plan to stay part time because we're about to have our first baby (which will in and of itself be a major expense). DH and I are actually doing well financially; we're not in any debt (except for our house) and we have a healthy amount in savings. I think we're both just a little uptight about money because of the baby. My brother has been working at the same, full time job for over two years. I don't know what he makes, but my understanding is that it's a basic, entry level salary, maybe a little better. He moved out on his own for the first time last year, and pays his own rent and utilities.
Anyway, with the birthday celebration coming up, my mom and brother both hinted (and kind of flat-out said) that my brother should only have to chip in for a third of everything, while DH and I, being two people, should pay the other two thirds. I thought this was a little petty, but not unexpected--my mom has a tendency to baby my brother a little, and he has a tendency to let her. For example, she'd said several times to me that he has "a lot of expenses." However, I know my parents pay his cell phone bill because he's on their plan, and my brother also has no car payments to make because my parents gave him their old car.
Anyway, all that aside, it is true that he's only one person, so I wasn't losing sleep over the prospect of him paying for just a third of everything. When I mentioned this to DH, though, he didn't agree. He pointed out that if my brother deserves a break for having just one income, we could argue that we deserve a break too because I only work part time AND we have a baby on the way. He also pointed that my brother lived at home a lot longer than either of us and therefore had more opportunity to save money, while DH and I have been paying rent (and now, a mortgage, for a lot longer). That last part probably isn't really relevant, but it is true. Anyway, DH believes we should split everything down the middle, but since it's my family, he'll let me have the final say.
So I'm just curious: if it were up to all of you, how much would you ask my brother to chip in? One third? A whole half? Something in the middle? I'm probably just going to make it easy and ask for a third (it's not like we can't afford it, and I don't want my dad's birthday ruined by petty arguing) but i wonder if I'm letting my brother off the hook too easily? THoughts?
Re: How much should we pay?
Life is too short to be petty about things like this. If you know money is tight for your brother and you and your husband can comfortably afford it you should go ahead and pay 2/3rds this time since your plans are already in place.
In the future, before making plans requiring the contribution of others you should discuss with those contributing what they are comfortable paying and plan accordingly. Change plans if they can't contribute enough for your liking, so that no one feels they are being taken advantage of or forced contribute more than they can comfortably afford.
I agree with your point about being petty. And if I knew that money was tight for my brother, I would tell him to pay exactly as much as he feels comfortable, even if that amount was zero.
However, I don't believe money IS tight for him...that's the point. He lived at home until he was 25, and was able to save all that time. He didn't move out of my parents' house until he got a raise at work, so he wouldn't have to live "paycheck to paycheck" (his words). He has enough extra money that he can invest it in the stock market--he's talked a lot lately about how he's doing this now.
I guess what it comes down to is this. Both my brother and I probably can afford to pay an equal share. But since I am married and and DH and I have been in the workforce longer, while my brother is younger, single, and has only been working for about two years, does this automatically mean he should pay less than we do?
3 people = 1/3 each. Unless you and your hubby plan on sharing 1 meal and 1 ticket.
Next time don't suggest anything be split if you don't think that's fair. (But honestly, it IS fair. Doing it any other way wouldn't be, and would screw over your brother.) And don't make assumptions about other people's finances.
So the way it would work in my family is you would pay for yourselves (so him just him and you would be you and your DH), your mom would pay for herself, and all three would split the share of your dad.
Perhaps you can offer to pick up your dad's dinner, if he picks up your dad concert ticket (or whichever is cheaper)
But if your mom likes to tell you how to spend your money, tell her how to spend hers
40-60 split. 20% covers your brother's cost for the night, 40% covers you and your dh's cost for the night and the 40% that remains get's split between you and your brother (i.e. you each pay half to cover your parents). the difference of 60% that you should cover and the 66% that you are being pushed to cover is probably not worth addressing.
Next time, sort this stuff out at the planning stage between you and your dh and then between you and your brother. Your mother is receiving a gift and should never have said anything.
Thanks for the input, ladies!
Just to clarify, the tickets are only for my parents. They are going to the concert on a separate night, and we three "kids" are paying, but not going ourselves. We won't be actually celebrating with my parents until we all going out to dinner the following night.
But having said that, I agree that if my brother pays for half of the entire dinner, that wouldn't be fair as he would essentially be paying for part of the meals for DH and I. And I don't disagree with the 3 people = 3 shares breakdown. It does seem fair. I think what it comes down to his that I'm tired of hearing my mom make excuses for and coddle my brother. However, now is clearly not the time to make an issue out of that, so I'll let it go and try to do what's fair for right now.
I will also take PP's advice and work this out between the three of us before the weekend. And I will ask my mother to stay out of it.
You and you DH should pay for your tickets/meals and your brother for his. Each adult child should pay half of the parents' meal/tickets. Your mother could also contribute since this is a birthday gift.
Since you proposed the price level, you have some responsibility for paying extra. Next time, pick something less expensive if this is divisive in your family.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
how much are we talking about here? maybe $100 or $150? maybe $200? imo not enough to even argue about. split it between you and brother and be done with it and next time rememeber to work out how you'll split it before it's time to pay.
i'd also first just ask your brother to pay half. if he says no=fine, but he might say yes too.
is your mom contributing anything? treating THEM to a concert and fancy dinner would be for their anniversary-but it's only your fathers 60th. not that it matters really-i'm just curious if she's offered.
You, DH, and brother each pay for your own way.
You and your brother split the cost of mom and dad. Your dad is not your DH's child. He is just going as the spouse.
If splitting costs doesn't work, then don't do it in the future. Or be upfront about what things will cost before the plans were made.
This.
This. Look, I am the youngest in a family of 3 brothers/sisters who are all married. They tried to get me to pay 1/4 of the price of a very very expensive birthday party for my mom one year when I was 25 and just getting out of school. They all had been married 10+ years and all had established careers. I could barely pay my rent and other bills at the time. I thought it was unfair to expect me to pay the same amount as they paid as a couple.
So I declined to pay and did not attend the party. If you agreed on expensive tickets and you had no idea what your brother's financial situation was than I'd say it's only fair to split the cost 1/3 for each person. Next time, don't plan joint gifts like this and you won't have this problem.
Thanks for your kind words!
You make a good point about the babysitting. I'm sure my parents will babysit from time to time (they live close) but I'll make sure they know we will not expect them to if they don't want to. DH and I are already setting up daycare arrangements for when I get back to work, so no one will have to provide free daycare for us.
I don't think I'm so much jealous of my brother...to be fair, my parents have been pretty generous with me too, over the years--way more than really had to be. It's just that when I spend time with my brother now, I always feel that he could be more mature than he is (he's 26, but sometimes I feel like he acts 17), and I think that's because my parents (well, my mom, really) have babied him so much. And it frustrates me to watch her still doing it. None of this is really my business anymore, though, so I really should try to stay out of it. But yeah, I'm not too upset about the whole thing...it will not turn into a family fight. I don't think either my brother or I would allow that to happen.
Anyway, thanks again--this is our first baby, and we're very excited!
I'm not sure exactly...the tickets were relatively cheap, not more than 45 dollars each. The dinner bill probably won't be more than 200. Which I agree, isn't an amount that's worth fighting about. I don't think this is going to turn into a big issue in my family. I just came on here because I was curious about what everyone would say regarding whether a younger, unmarried sibling should necessarily pay less, etc.
As for my mom, I have not asked her to pay anything. I see your point about it, but the thing is, she really doesn't work, so if she pays for her own meal, it's kind of like my dad is paying. Besides, my parents are pretty generous with us, so I don't mind treating both of them. I could always check with my brother and see what he thinks about that...
This is what I would do:
Split the cost of the tickets - that's a joint gift from both of you.
Split the cost of the dinner, but you guys pay the whole tip, to cover DH's plate.
My mom likes to mastermind events and tell us what to do, too. Drives me nuts. Especially when she tells me to do my sister a favor, like offer to babysit. My life has gotten SO MUCH BETTER since I've taken a stand to tell my mother that we are grown adults and can manage these things directly. So, if sister wants the help, she can ask for it. If your brother wants a break on the price of the gifts, he can ask you for it. It really blew my mother's mind that she couldn't pull the strings from behind the scene, but it REALLY helped me manage her expecations that I do what she says to do.
A big part of your post is "Mom saying" and "brother letting" ... and you "asking what bit to chip-in". Nowhere is anyone (even you) expecting brother to say what he thinks and wants to contribute. If you told him the bill, would he really have the balls to say "Nah, only want to pay a third, sis. Okay?"? If he wants to pay less, HE CAN TELL YOU. And you can say yes or no.
Honestly, it does seem a little condescing that you, big sister, are going to decide that he can't afford to split the cost of his dad's 60th birthday gift. Everybody's got expenses. He should be able to handle a special occassion. Like an adult. You know, like you want him to act like. So, why don't YOU act like it?
I totally get where you are coming from. I have a younger brother; I'm married, he's not. Sometimes we buy joint gifts, and sometimes we do our own thing. When we do joint gifts, my brother and I split it 50/50, even though DH's name is on the card.
That said, if I were in your situation (buying my parents tickets, and then paying for the whole family to go out to dinner), DH and I would cover our own dinners plus 50% of our parents' dinners, and 50% of the tickets for our parents. That seems fair to me...why shouldn't DH and I pay for our own dinners? It's not really part of the gift. I see the gift as being the concert tickets and my parents' dinners, and would therefore split the bill for those items with my brother.
Also, I think that if money is tight for you and DH, then that should be a factor when you are deciding what to give your dad for his bday. Like, maybe just do the concert tickets OR the family dinner and call it a day. Another option is to pick a more affordable restaurant. Everyone understands that a baby and a mortgage put constraints on a budget...best to be up front about it when you're brainstorming ideas with your brother.
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