Married Life
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Having your spouse's cellphone password?
Hello All!
Do you believe all married people should have each other's cellphones passwords? Even more if he/she "cheated" while dating? I believe married people SHOULD not have secrets at all so yes they should have eachothers' passwords.
Re: Having your spouse's cellphone password?
There are different layers to this.
In my marriage, we both know each others passwords. For no other reason that we just "do". I'll need to check his email for something, or whatever - we've been together forever. We just know this stuff.
And I will honestly say - if I didn't know them, I don't know that I'd DEMAND to know them, but at the same time, if DH wouldn't let me know them, I'd be wondering why! If you both trust one another, then you trust each other not to be doing anything questionable and you also trust one another to not use the passwords to "check up" on each other.
My take - if cheating is involved and if the cheater really wants to regain their spouses trust, they have to be 100% transparent and yes, that means handing over all passwords and understanding that they are going to be checked up on for awhile.
Cheating destroys trust and you don't get thta back just because you say "Ooops, I'm sorry, I don't do it again".
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Why is there a password on the cellphone in the first place?
Why would you marry someone who couldn't be faithful when dating?
Why would you *need* to know the password?
If it is because a person feels like they need access to "check" what is on the phone then I feel there is already trust issues because if you feel like you need the access then you obviously don't trust the person.
DH and I both have passwords on our phones and laptops for work related reasons. I know his because I have helped him look stuff up when he has needed me to BUT I never felt the need to ask what it is because I "need" to know it.
Well, if he cheated while we were dating, there's not a chance in hell I would have married him in the first place, so there's that.
I also wouldn't marry somebody that I felt like I constantly had to "spy on" because I couldn't trust them. Why be in a relationship with somebody that you feel like you have to babysit?
I'm more than willing to start validating people's ideas when they start having ideas worth validating
I believe couples should do what is best for them. Relationships aren't always so black and white. For us we just happen to know passwords. Not because "you cheated so I don't trust you" but just..because we wanted to share them. I think married couples should hand over passwords purely because they WANT to. Not because people out there feel they should. And if they don't want to I don't think it's automatically because they have something to hide. It's because they are smart enough to realize "hey I have my rights to privacy and I will use those rights if I choose to do so"
Also the cheating thing. I think the person who cheated should hand over the passwords on their own without being asked to show "hey I fu*ked up. i want your trust back" But it shouldn't be demanded by anyone.
I agree with this 100% so there's no need to go much further than that.
I also have to say that the only passcodes we have of each other's are the ATM cards; neither of our phones are password protected and our emails automatically sign in on our respective computers. I've never checked H's and I don't think he's ever checked mine. We trust each other so there's no need for all that.
For the record, it's safe to say that if he wishes to cheat, he'll do it - and no amount of checking up on him will deter him from cheating if he so wishes.
I don't even know if DH has a PW on his cell. I have never felt the need to look.
If he cheated, it would be a much different situation. I doubt I would be around to care.
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agree
Neither of us have cell passwords, but we keep all passwords in a locked safe that we each have a key to in case something happens to one of us.
However, we've never used them to spy, and I wouldn't have married him if he cheated while we were dating.
I don't NEED to know his passwords but I'd be suspicious if he didn't give me them if I asked.
DH doesn't have a password on his phone, but I'm sure if he did I would know it. I know his email, and fb passwords and he knows mine.
I am supposed to have a password on my phone because I access my work email on it. I currently don't have a password because I just got a new phone and the first time I tried to set the password, I locked myself out of my phone and had to do a complete restore of the software...oops.
All of this. We know of most of each other's passwords, but do not use them without the other person in the same room. I do not check FI's phone and he does not do the same. I believe that there should be some privacy in a relationship, but you need to have established trust for this privacy to work.
Privacy is not the same as SECRETS.
DH and I know each other's passwords to everything aside from e-mail...but neither of us use email for anything personal and they're linked to our phones so if we REALLY wanted to look-it's there. As eastcoastbride said though, neither of us demanded to know the passwords, we just do. More often than not we ask the other for help creating a password for something new and that how we know. Neither of us abuse this though; we've never had any issues with trust.
If there's cheating involved I would expect the spouse to forgo all passwords if he/she truly wants to prove their loyalty.
I was in a pretty awful relationship where my ex snooped into my account and used the info against me on a regular basis, even when I hadn't done anything wrong (in hindsight it was a textbook abuse case). Now, I have serious issues with giving out passwords.
I'm also in a field with strict requirements that he can't see some of my emails.
I have no problem with showing fianc? what I'm doing at home or socially. My passwords are all in a safe location so e can access what he needs should the worst happen. He has shown me where to find his, should I ever need them.
I don't want to be in a relationship where I make him feel I'm looking over his shoulder.
DH has a password on his cell phone because it is a work issued cell and they require it. He'd rather not have it on there because it is a hassle. But, yes, I know his password.
I know his computer password and email passwords as well. Not because I NEED to know them or check anything on his computer or email, but just because I've had to use them before. He also knows my passwords.
I know DH wouldn't use my passwords to invade my privacy. However, there isn't anything on my cell phone or computer that I would be bothered if he found.
I think the issue is that you're even asking this question. You obviously don't trust him for some reason and THAT'S the problem you should be working on.
I never even thought of checking my husband's messages or even his phone. Really, who has the time? I'll lucky I even check my own messages.
If you are looking for something bad, you will find it. If you made the decision to marry your boyfriend who had cheated, then you obviously want the relationship to work. If so, don't go looking for problems. You need to go with your gut feeling. If you are always suspicious, you have to decide whether or not you want to live like that. Either let the past go or him go...one or the other.
I agree. While DH doesn't know all of my passwords and I don't know all of his, we have all of our passwords saved on our laptops so we could easily access each others email and social media site accounts, so in theory if I wanted to "spy" on my husband I could, but I don't need to... I trust him, if I didn't why would I have married him?
We know each other's passwords for everything, but we never use them. I have never had the desire to read through his emails or scroll through his texts, and assume he has never had the same.
The two big reasons we made sure each other had them are in the event of an emergency, such as one of us being hospitalized or something, the other can help communicate with people, etc.
The second, and I realize this is morbid, is in case of death, we don't want digital ghosts. When my sister passed away unexpectedly a few years ago, she was in her early 30's her fiance didn't have any of her passwords. The result is that she still has "active" accounts on social networking sites, an old email address keeps getting hacked and spam is sent out to my family from her, and it's just really stressful, creepy, and off-putting. If anything happens to me (knock on wood) I want him to be able to access everything and deactivate any account that makes it appear as though I am still alive.
I have my husband's passwords for everything. He never cheated and neither have I, but I've had all of his passwords since we started dating and he has mine.
If he had cheated while we dated, he would have never become my husband.
ETA: To add that he gave me his passwords on his own accord and I didn't ask for them. He felt the need because he was in a relationship.
This exactly!