Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Just a rough patch or something more serious?
Hello. My husband and i have been married for almost a year, together for 4 years. Recently he told me that he isn't happy and he feels like we aren't in love anymore. He says he feels like we settled on eachother. I was kind of shocked to hear this because we have always been so happy together. He said he has only been feeling like this for a couple weeks. After he said those things to me, he acted almost like nothing happened. He is still happy and he still tells me he loves me all the time. I have talked to my mother-in-law alot about this and she thinks that he is just trying to use my insecurity about our relationship to get his way. I have been talking alot about wanting us to move away to go to school (we live in a small town) and she says this is his way of sort of scaring me into staying put. Has anyone ever had an issue like this? Im just so confused because he still acts happy. I dont want to lose my husband!!
Re: Just a rough patch or something more serious?
He might be having fears about settling down so young. This is why people warn young couples to not rush to get married - you still have a lot of growing up to do (Don't take that as you are immature, or uneducated, etc. - I mean growing up in terms of experiencing life).
It sounds like you guys want different things. And now that you're married, you can;t go off and do your own thing anymore. There's no more "You", now it's "Us" (at least when it comes to big decisions like continuing education, relocating, etc).
You guys have to talk about this, about your wants and needs, your expectations of one another, the role you play in each other's lives. Relationships often require sacrifice. Is he worth the sacrifice to put your dreams off? And vice versa. This is something that should have been ironed out prior to getting married.
Have you discussed going to counseling together?
I would not be surprised if he has somebody waiting in the wings.
Either that or he's simply fallen out of love with you. It happens -- given his age which is 22, he probably was never ready for a full time lifelong committment.
This is why it is never a good idea to marry when you're in your young 20s.
Do get down to the bottom of this issue. GL.
Amen, Kuus.
OP, my advice is to run far and fast. If he can't have an adult conversation about this and instead resorts to picking at your insecurities to get his way now, prepare for a lifetime of that if you stay. You could try counseling but if he is really this manipulative and cruel, I don't know how much counseling can help that.
BFP #4 It's a BOY!
CP: July 2011
BFP #3: 11/3/2011 M/C 12/12/11
We miss you and love you always, little firecrackers!
Um yes, this is more serious than a rough patch. DH and I have literally NEVER had the conversation where either of us claimed we were not in love anymore. Either he genuinely feels this way, in which case you have serious issues, or he is using your insecurity against you to emotionally bully you into doing what he wants, in which case you have serious issues. You all need to get to marriage counseling before this blows up into something toxic.
Also, it is completely inappropriate to be discussing deeply personal marriage problems with your mother in law. That's a huge breach of trust and is bound to blow up in your face. I would be LIVID if DH was confiding personal issues between us to my father.
ETA: I agree with the others that this is why you don't get married so freaking young. For heaven's sake! Neither of you has had enough life experiences to actually know what you want going forward. So now you want to go to school and have new experiences and he wants to stay home with the comfortable and familiar. Neither of you is going to be happy with a compromise here.
I don't care how close my mother-in-law and I are, she is the last person I would go to with advice about problems in my marriage. His parents or my parents. I don't need them giving me advice about what is going on in my personal life. It's called personal for a reason.
Why don't you actually sit down and talk with your husband about this instead of wondering what is going on. That's kind of a key component of a marriage-communication.
It sounds like he is mad or hurt about something and said what he could to cut you down to make himself feel better. If he went right back to normal, I would hesitate to say he was telling the truth. That's just my opinion.
I think your husband is suffering from a case of immaturity. But, you should worry about yourself. I married when I was 26 and DH was 30 and had completed my Masters. I made sure to get my act together before committing my life to my husband. No offense, but 22 is young.
Also, I would never ever want to be with someone that said they didn't love me anymore. This is isn't High School, it's a marriage!