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Need help coping with mom's cancer
I'm not sure if this is where I should be but it's worth a shot. I'm five months pregnant, after a few mc, we decided to do IVF. Mom didn't want to stress me so she didn't tell me that she has breast cancer until a few weeks ago. I feel so helpless and frightened. I feel bad that I can't be there for her as much as I would like to because I am pregnant. I know she hides a lot of fears because she doesn't want me to risk this pregnancy. I try my best to be positive but sometimes I feel terrified that my mom won't see her grandchild. Please god don't let that happen. My mom is a part of me and watching her go through this is breaking me.
How can I make it better for her? Am I hurting my baby by worrying and crying? If you can direct me to where I can find answers and help I'd greatly appreciate it.
Re: Need help coping with mom's cancer
Learniing as much as you can about the type of cancer that's involved is a patient's -- and a patient's family's best friend.
Another great resource: the American Cancer Society.
They can direct you to a supprt group and provide you with other resources.
I am sorry for your troubles.
Also speak to her oncologist -- and a social worker helps, too. A social worker can alleviate your worries. they are excellent resources to have when a loved one is ill.
Wishig you the best --- the best gift you can give your mother is time. Spend as much time with her as you can. I don't know what her cancer's stage is but being as positive as possible does wonders.
If there's a Gilda's Club near you, you might want to look into it; see what you think.
Wishing you the best.
I cannot stress this enough....TIME is the gift that you can never get back. I agree with everything the poster above said especially what I bolded. I lost my mother to cancer. I took the last 3 months of her life off to spend with her and be her caregiver. I wouldn't trade that time for anything....
Be there for her as much as possible. Time is everything. My mom was diagnosed with thyroid cancer when I was working on my undergrad and thankfully they got it all and she went through radiation
Stay positive and spend every possible moment you can with her.
I went through counseling both times my Mom was diagnosed and that really helped me to process my feelings in a healthy way. Both times, I tried to spend a lot of quality time with my Mom and also help her with things, like making freezer meals, picking up meds, going with her to chemo, getting her books for chemo or loading her ipod with songs for chemo. I mostly followed her lead and took my cues from her on what to discuss and how to help. Everyone handles it differently, so talk to her honestly about what would help her through treatment, etc.
Also, depending on the type of cancer and the stage, there have been huge breakthroughs in cancer research and there are a lot of very successful drugs out there with minimal side effects. When my Mom was diagnosed as terminal the second time I sat in bed and cried for a week, but was then able to refocus on her and make her needs a priority. We bonded a lot during that time and I'm glad I was able to be there for her and support her.
My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer in February, 2011. It is a scary, upsetting thing to deal with. My mom's surgeon told her that the diagnosis would probably be harder on her kids than it was on her, and she felt that was accurate. I'm sure it's even more difficult when you're pregnant I would say that what she needed most from me went through three stages:
First Stage: Diagnosis through Surgery, when she mostly needed me to listen to her options and help her sort out what was the best course of action.
Second Stage: Early Chemo, when she mostly needed me to continue listening and just being supportive. This was the easiest part of the whole thing.
Third Stage: Last half of Chemo, when she was feeling progressively more worn down by the treatment and taking longer to recover after each session. During this time I was able to help a lot by cooking, cleaning, running errands, etc. During this time my sister got married while we were on our family beach vacation. It was hard on my mom that she wasn't feeling great for this major family event, but we all got through it. You may go through this with your mom when the baby is born. Just remember that the baby's birth is important, but it's one day of the baby's whole life.
One thing to remember is that you will probably feel guiltier than you should. Your desire to "do something to help" is coming from YOUR feelings and may not be related to how much your mom needs you to do.
Also, don't add to your worries by worrying about whether your worrying will hurt your baby. No matter how worried you are about your mom, your feelings of excitement, love, and caring for your baby are still there. Pregnancies last for 9 months. During those 9 months, pregnant women are bound to experience ups and downs that cause worry. Think about all the people who are pregnant after IF, or pregnant after multiple m/cs. They're probably worried for the entire 9 months and go on to have totally normal, healthy babies!
I hope your mom has a speedy and easy return to full health, and that the rest of your pregnancy is as uneventful as possible.