Trouble in Paradise
MeganAngela
member
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Advice Concerning Personal Alone Time?
So, this isn't a huge dealbreaker or anything, but it is a bit of a rough patch that I just need a little advice for. Hope this isn't the wrong forum for it.
Anyway, my husband and I just got married in March. In the past month, DH has gotten increasingly, I hate to say it, smothering. I love this man. He's amazing and I'm so glad to be married to him. However, as a person who enjoys her alone time and can easily entertain herself from time to time, I want to try and get through to DH without hurting his feelings.
For example, we'll spend the afternoon marathoning a tv show. Once we're through, I might decide to retire to the bedroom to read a book or get on the internet or whatever. Within minutes, my DH has joined me and is reading over my shoulder or wanting to share in my alone time activity. Another good example that has been happening more and more is that when I go to take a shower alone so I can just relax under the water, within minutes he'll pop in and get in with me. I've started taking my showers when he's not home just so I can have that moment alone sometimes.
I know these sound like silly examples, but it just gets under my skin sometimes. I've never liked people reading over my shoulder. And sometimes when I'm feeling bad or achy, I like to get in the shower without having him pop in and complain about how I have the water too hot or that I'm hogging it all. There are other examples, of course, but I figured I'd just go with a couple quick ones.
I've spoken with him about it and he explained that he's just worried that if he doesn't check in every few minutes that he'll get caught up in his own alone time activities and not spend enough time with me. I assured him that I would let him know if I felt neglected and that I don't because we always take time out of our day to do some activity together whether big or small. I'm okay with him taking his alone time as it gives me time alone, too. He seemed to get what I was telling him and was okay with it, but soon he was right back to constantly wanting to be in my space when I'm doing solo activities.
I don't know what else to say to him and I'm finding myself increasingly more annoyed and angry with him because I feel like I can't catch my breath. This is a very new behavior within the past month. We didn't have this issue while we were dating or even when we first got married. But, again, I want to reiterate that I love this man very much and am so glad to be with him and this isn't a huge dealbreaker or anything. I'm just uncomfortable with this new behavior, and my talking to him hasn't changed anything.
Any advice on what I might could say to him? Is it okay if I'm a little more stern with him? Anyone else who has had a similar problem who can share their story and how it worked out?
Anyway, my husband and I just got married in March. In the past month, DH has gotten increasingly, I hate to say it, smothering. I love this man. He's amazing and I'm so glad to be married to him. However, as a person who enjoys her alone time and can easily entertain herself from time to time, I want to try and get through to DH without hurting his feelings.
For example, we'll spend the afternoon marathoning a tv show. Once we're through, I might decide to retire to the bedroom to read a book or get on the internet or whatever. Within minutes, my DH has joined me and is reading over my shoulder or wanting to share in my alone time activity. Another good example that has been happening more and more is that when I go to take a shower alone so I can just relax under the water, within minutes he'll pop in and get in with me. I've started taking my showers when he's not home just so I can have that moment alone sometimes.
I know these sound like silly examples, but it just gets under my skin sometimes. I've never liked people reading over my shoulder. And sometimes when I'm feeling bad or achy, I like to get in the shower without having him pop in and complain about how I have the water too hot or that I'm hogging it all. There are other examples, of course, but I figured I'd just go with a couple quick ones.
I've spoken with him about it and he explained that he's just worried that if he doesn't check in every few minutes that he'll get caught up in his own alone time activities and not spend enough time with me. I assured him that I would let him know if I felt neglected and that I don't because we always take time out of our day to do some activity together whether big or small. I'm okay with him taking his alone time as it gives me time alone, too. He seemed to get what I was telling him and was okay with it, but soon he was right back to constantly wanting to be in my space when I'm doing solo activities.
I don't know what else to say to him and I'm finding myself increasingly more annoyed and angry with him because I feel like I can't catch my breath. This is a very new behavior within the past month. We didn't have this issue while we were dating or even when we first got married. But, again, I want to reiterate that I love this man very much and am so glad to be with him and this isn't a huge dealbreaker or anything. I'm just uncomfortable with this new behavior, and my talking to him hasn't changed anything.
Any advice on what I might could say to him? Is it okay if I'm a little more stern with him? Anyone else who has had a similar problem who can share their story and how it worked out?
Re: Advice Concerning Personal Alone Time?
Two approaches you can take -
1- in the moment, tell him "no". He follows you to bed adn starts to read over your shoulder, tell him "Honey - this is an example of what I was talking about. I need my space and I really don't like you reading over my shoulder". Or when you hear him come into the bathroom, stop him and tell him "I'm really enjoying my shower alone".
2- Tell him what you said here- it's starting to make you angry and you're finding ways to do stuff when he isn't around. His forcing himself on you is making you want to be away from him even more.
But I feel like something else is going on. Why so needy now? Why this "I might not spend enough time w you" - on what seems to be a regular basis. It's one thing if after a long week, he feels like he's hardly seen you - but is this daily??
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I feel like there might be something more at play, too, but when I've asked him gently he doesn't have anything to say. I know he has been feeling stressed this past week because he's been taking this intensive course to become a driver's ed teacher, but this behavior started even before that.
I've actually wondered if it isn't a bit of a self-fulfilling cycle, tbh. The behavior started, but not terribly much. I talked with him about it and we seemed to have worked it out. The behavior starts up again. Not knowing what else to say, I pull away from him a bit more than normal which causes his behavior to go into overdrive, and the cycle continues from there. Does that make sense?
I just don't want things to get out of hand and I don't want to feel like a bad wife for wanting some time to myself sometimes.
And it does feel like it is becoming daily. I mean, I practically jumped out of my skin a few minutes ago when he came waltzing in while I was surfing the internet. I'm not doing anything wrong, but I feel guilty for just wanting to enjoy an activity in peace. But I will admit that my being skittish stems from being an abuse survivor, so having people creep up on me or suddenly get in my space no matter how much I love them always elicits at least a tiny jump and some discomfort out of me.
When he was working, I'd have alone time during the day after I got done with things around the house. Now, because we're together most of the time, I don't have that built in time to spend doing my own thing, so I actively have to set aside that time. Maybe he's seeing my wanting some quiet time as a slight for some reason?
I agree with ECB about saying it in the moment when he's following you around. Also- try to be sweet about it and say "This has nothing to do with you, I just like alone time sometimes and now is one of those times." Another thing you could do it set a limit or have an activity planned for later, so he knows he'll see you again. Say "I'm gonna go read alone in the bedroom for a little bit. Want to go walk around the neighborhood around 6 and then make dinner?" That way he'll know he gets to see you again soon.
The above sounds excessive when it's typed out, but I think you're right that you're in a cycle where you pull away, so he feels rejected, so he comes around more for reassurance, so you pull away even more, etc. So try not to make him feel rejected but hold your ground about getting space. It's likely that once this stuff becomes habit and you get space regularly, you won't need a big explanation or to be gentle.
The bolded helped me (as a clingy unemployed newlywed in a new city when I only knew my H). My H was so patient and understanding, but needed his alone time. He'd say srgw I'm going to do x until y time and then we'll do z together. Even now, three years later we still both check in with each other the same way. It's a nice way of saying back off, I need my space.
You don't have a hobby? an interest? you don't partake in a sport or volunteer? You don't belong to a special interest club?
If not, find something to do.:)
We all need a hobby and an interest and a release; it's also a great way to blow off steam.
Whenever I feel that way, I ask my boyfriend if he wants to play Call of Duty (alone). He usually gets that hint without me having to have any awkward conversations. Creating that kind of "code" works for us. (:
Oh, gosh. I've definitely dealt with this problem before! (Not with current SO, but with a past long term relationship) I see a lot of people on this thread assuming that you don't spend enough time with him, but from what you've said, that doesn't really jump out at me as an issue, tbh.
It is always weird and off-putting when people suddenly change their routines without cause. I assume he didn't always read over your shoulder or leap into the shower like a cat who heard a can-opener. Otherwise, it wouldn't surprise you very much!
I think the biggest thing to remember in this situation (something I had to come to realize in my own) is that he is probably having some kind of issue that is making him a bit clingy. Perhaps stress, like a PP mentioned.
I do wonder, though.. Have you ever made a comment to him about spending too much time on his own personal activities? It seemed odd that he worried about getting lost in them and not spending enough time with you. (Though, even if you did comment, this is obviously not what you meant. ;P )
Also, for the record, SO and I love to run together, go to sporting events and play board games, but we also love doing marathons of shows we've missed! It can be a fun low maintanence bonding activity. You get to discuss the episodes after or while they're happening.
This is totally normal. Part of getting married and getting to know each other's habits a little bit more. I still think even when you live together beforehand there are some things you don't really get a handle on ahead of time!
The first conversation I had with DH about my alone time didn't go super well but I should have been a little bit more delicate with how I went about it. You just have to explain that it isn't that you don't want to spend time with him, but you value the time you spend with yourself as well and need to balance your time with "we" time.
I lucked out when my hubby started grad school. He was gone 2 nights a week and it was AWESOME. I loved being able to curl up with a book alone or watch what I wanted on TV. Now that the semester is over, I am getting used to having him around more. It's a challenge sometimes but we have both reached an understanding where we both just need some "me" time every once in a while. I usually try to plan something for me to do during a time he wants time for himself so no one is left with no plans.
I completely get what you're saying. DH and I both love some alone time. We've actually always worked opposite schedules, even before it was necessary for childcare purposes. Other people don't get it but it works for us. We're both happier if we get time alone than if we're together 24/7. And a lot of our time spent together is watching tv too. We don't have a lot of other shared interests. Just because you're sitting on the couch watching tv doesn't mean you're not also talking about your day, sharing stories, discussing topics that come up, etc. We're still happy after 11 years so we're doing something right.
And it sounds like his job ending and you being SAH is a big change and you're probably just adjusting to that. I'd go with what PPs suggested about "I'm going to do X right now but let's do Y at this time..." And I'd also encourage him to pursue his interests that you don't share at those times. If this hasn't always been an issue, he obviously had things he liked to do alone before. Maybe try to reinterest him in those things now. Wanting to take a shower alone is not unreasonable. If my husband follows me into the shower to get some, okay that's fine. But if he's doing it because he doesn't want to be alone for 10 minutes, that's unnerving, whether you're newlyweds or not. Good luck!
I'm on the other side of the spectrum: In the beginning of our marriage I was the one following my husband around. I did it because I just love him SOO MUCH and love being around him. But one day he said, "Umm can you leave me alone for awhile? I love you dearly, you are amazing and perfect.. I just need some alone time."
I was kind of stunned at first and maybe a little "hurt" but once my husband came back to me after his alone time, hugged me, kissed me, then we did our usual thing. I learned to respect his boundaries.
Hope that helps even a little to hear the other side of it. I think it's perfectly okay to be upfront. You're married and going to be together for life, you need to be upfront sometimes if it's for your own good/personal health and happiness.