Sex & Romance
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Sex Issues...
hey all,
So I hate sex! I dread it. I feel like we r not doing it right lol. So when DH is on top I just lay there, are you supposed to move? sometimes he lifts up my leg(s) *sorry for the tmi* or when Im on top my legs are in the mattress so I cant move either. he always gets tired. what am i doing wrong? ty!!
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Re: Sex Issues...
First of all, this advice:
DO NOT TTC until you get this issue settled and to your satisfaction.
The usual applies here:
I take it you are sexually inexperienced and he also might be.
What I suggest for you:
1- Masturbate.
Do it by yourself --- don't be shy about it --- and you will find out what turns you on and what makes you orgasm. It's a sure fire way to really be psyched for sex --- and if you don't know your body, and if you don't know what you enjoy and wow, if you don't know what makes you orgasm, what do you know at all?:)
Then show him what to do. Where to touch you and how and when and what touches are best to use when. Remember: during different stages of arousal, you'll need different touches, ligher, softer, rougher --- everybody is different.
2- Oral sex!
If he is not going down on you, he should be! If he isn't, suggest he DOES. This means everything -- and it is a sure fire way for you to get an orgasm: guaranteed.:)
3-You try different positions: you get on top, doggie style, reverse cowgirl -- see what you like and what turns him on.
Last and not leastly --- and make this FIRST on your agenda:
TALK TO HIM!!!!!
Do it outside the bedroom when you both have time to talk.
Tell him how hot he is and how much he turns you on -- and that it would be fantastic if you and he could do x, y and z.
Make this a "homework" project: you and he go to a mainstream bookstore and buy some sex manuals for couples. (don't be shy about this; you may have to ask the salesperson where they are since they're probably not accessible to all customers; they'll probably have to get them for you so you can have a look at them.
Try Amazon too -- browse there also, if you are too nervous to shop in person.:) You and he can look at suggested titles, etc -- see which ones the both of you like and are most receptive to.
THere's also "The Joy Of Sex," a book that's an oldie and a goodie.:)
You and he need to communicate: very important.
It's important that you and your H work on this issue TOGETHER.
If you are not sexually inexperienced, it could very well be that you and he are just not sexually compatible. I dont know your backstories: how many partners you and he have had before you met, was this happening before you were married, etc.
Only you know the answer to these questions.
Make sure this problem is resolved. He owes it to you to work on this with you and to make sure you are happy.
If this is an inexperience issue, it can be resolved. The more you do the better you are --- you can't expect an inexperienced young guy to be a stud in the bedroom.
GL.
Thanks for your response. to answer some of your qs.
i recently bought a vibrator, and do not like it.... I really dont get any satisfaction from it.
background story: DH and I were both virgins before marriage, but we dated for 6 years (on and off). So we have spe everything but sex. have given and received oral. I have never experienced an orgasm. I have been with other guys besides DH (not sex but oral and what not) and never had an orgasm either. We have great communication. We both know our sex life could and should be better we are both willing to put in effort. just not sure what to do. I will look into getting a book or two from amazon.
Why I don't advocate non-intercourse relationships:
background story: DH and I were both virgins before marriage, but we dated for 6 years (on and off). So we have spe everything but sex. have given and received oral. I have never experienced an orgasm. I have been with other guys besides DH (not sex but oral and what not) and never had an orgasm either. We have great communication. We both know our sex life could and should be better we are both willing to put in effort. just not sure what to do. I will look into getting a book or two from amazon.
Yep, you need to start masturbating --- gone how long without knowing what an orgasm feels like? Sheesh...you're missing out on a lot.:)
And you never had an orgasm from oral sex --- what's up with that?
He needs to hold up his part of the bargain, too --- he needs to be open to learning how to broaden and improving his technique; like I said, the more you do, the better you get -- and he can't treat you like you're a glorified masturbatory aid.
This means foreplay --- and lots of it --- and this means waiting for YOU to be ready and turned on before he even initiates penetration.
Remember: some women don't orgasm from intercourse alone. That's how it is; it doesn't make you weird or anatomically uncorrect. This is why I advocate oral sex for women. Have him do that first and then have him proceed with intercourse.
Yes you should move to get the right angle for yourself & the hubby. Start out by gently trying angles.
Some tips
-Talk to your DH about how you want to spice up your love life, and make it fun! Don't stress and relax. Take a bubble bath or a soapy shower together.
-Get a book with diagrams on different sex positions. Preferably a new position a day type one.
-Send sexy texts and/or flirt with each other during the day to help build up some fun tension.
-Don't feel bad about being virgins before marriage, both my DH and I were and we have a amazing, wonderful, and loving sex life.
Don't be shy about telling him "mmm that feels good." Every guy likes to hear what feels good.
background story: DH and I were both virgins before marriage, but we dated for 6 years (on and off). So we have spe everything but sex. have given and received oral. I have never experienced an orgasm. I have been with other guys besides DH (not sex but oral and what not) and never had an orgasm either. We have great communication. We both know our sex life could and should be better we are both willing to put in effort. just not sure what to do. I will look into getting a book or two from amazon.
To answer the question from your first post - you do during sex what feels good. That usually doesn't involve just lying there, but in order to do this, you need to know what feels good.
Orgasms don't just fall out of the sky. You need to be in tune with your body and figure out what turns you on. I have learned that, while similar, what turns me on while masturbating is different than sex with my husband. I had to adjust and get my head involved. At least for me, having an orgasm is 50% mental.
There isn't one-size fits all to sex, but you do have to experiment! From experimentation, I can tell you that I, too, dislike vibrators and oral sex. These are two mainstays from the female population, but they don't work for me. Don't be concerned if they don't work for you, either. However, there will be things that DO work for you and once you know what they are, you won't be wondering if you are doing sex wrong, you will just be doing what feels good.
Take some time to get know yourself. Tell your husband what feels good and what doesn't. I'm bad at saying it when we're watching TV, but in the middle of sex, I'll tell him exactly what I want without even thinking. He wants to please you as much as you want to please him.
Well, if you hate sex that explains why you "just lay there". Sure you're supposed to move, but that's because you're supposed to be excited and turned on by what you're doing, not because you're just "supposed to" move around.
Have you thought about why you hate sex? Have you ever felt desirous or sexually excited by your partner? Because adults normally desire sex and enjoy it. You might benefit from counseling. Good luck.
It could also be that you were never physically atttracted to him at all. It happens.
Does he make you feel good on a daily basis? Does he show you affection out of the bedroom? Is he considerate, kind, pay you compliments?
Attraction and making your mate feel good has a lot to do with nonsexual contact.
yes he is an amazing husband and very caring and affectionate. I just don't know why I don't like having sex
1. Find a sex therapist and talk to them about why you hate sex. Do you have body issues? Were you molested as a child? Were you taught that sex is bad or gross? There are all sorts of outside influences that could be causing you to feel this way.
2. I agree with masturbating. Try different ways. Hell, try the shower head. Figure out what feels good to you and show him.
3. Aside from touching your self, figure out what turns you on. What happens when he kisses your neck? What about when he lightly touches your arm? Get a few romance novels or literotica type books. I didn't really like the 50 Shades of Grey series of books, but there is some hot sex in there. Figure out what turns you on and let him know.
4. Relax. Have a glass of wine or two. Flirt around a bit. Build up to sex. Tease each other some. There is nothing fun about "wham, bam, thank you ma'am" unless you trying for a quicky.
5. When you are having sex, for God's sake, don't just lay there. Move around. Move your hips. Arch your back. If he's not doing it well enough, help him out.
I agree with a lot of the advice above. Also, keep using the vibrator. You may not like it right now, but you have to get used to different sensations. A vibrator is a great way (and often a quicker way) to reach climax. Also, you should try different vibrators. Some are stronger than others. And I've heard that only 1/4 of women can orgasm from internal stimulation alone, so focus the stimulation on the clitoris.
Whatever you do, don't give up. Sex is a very important and healthy aspect to marriage. It's more than a physical thing, it also binds couples emotionally. Good luck!
i just skimmed the other responses, they all seem like good advice. i'd just like to throw this one out there: don't go into sex/oral with the goal being to orgasm, you'll just put unnecessary stress on both of you. just be in the moment and see what feels good, it can feel good without achieving orgasm, then eventually when you both learn what feels good you can eventually reach orgasm!
good luck!
oh yeah, another website for you to check out, hubby and i have gotten a lot out of this one: themarriagebed.com
My BFP Chart Danger Love Blog
try playing games, I mean be Childish together. BE SIMPLY GOOFY. play twister sometimes that breaks the monotony of the maturity of sex. Then have a glass of wine 1/2 way thru the second set, then caressing and goofing off will come easier and getting turned on will come easier as well. talking is good. discussing who your fantasies are is good but remember men have fragile egos. its ok to be marilyn monroe but be careful not to ask him to be brad pit too often if at all. FOOD or even the blind fold food game is fun for new bees if you truts each other but just smothering him in a can of whip cream is fun, then you can put him in a shower later. but really dont be so serious about it and dont think it has to be all porny either. its a 2 way street. its smell,taste,site,and feel. and not all in that order or all of it. use velvet silk. be creative. its all about being creative, talking about what feel good and what works, its all give and take. but learn to relax. then you can learn to enjoy it really dont think about it. I think you cant enjoy it because you are overthinking it let it just happen like its supposed to.