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Problem with my FIL(sorry it's so long)
Just a little back-story: My husband and I have been together since I was a freshman in high school and he was a senior so I have been around awhile. We have been married 4 years now but we waited to get married until after he graduated with a doctor of pharmacy degree. My DH's mother died a year before our wedding. She was a sweet lady and a great mother although she was quite a bit over-bearing with him since he is an only child. My FIL has always been an inconsiderate, selfish man who feels entitled. I saw him make my DH's mother cry over small things way too often. Anyway, since she passed away suddenly a few years back he has done quite a few things that would make the average person cringe! He really has no concept of appropriate behavior (one example would be asking his in-laws if they cared if he started dating 4 months after his wife of 26 years' death.)
Over the years he has had quite a few rude comments to make about me and it is obvious to anyone who is around that he does not feel I am good enough for his son. ( To be fair, my DH does defend me if he says something rude but he isn't good with confrontation so it is usually done in a way too friendly way that doesn't make a bit of difference in his Dads actions.) My DH's parents did help to put him through pharmacy school and he appreciates it very much. My FIL has asked my husband many times "if I intend to go back to school to get a better job so we can have "two people making tons of money" instead of it all falling on my husband." I work as a registered nurse and have a college degree (My FIL didn't even finish HS). My FIL is very intrusive and often asks private questions about stuff that is none of his business and he always has something to say about anything I do. My DH tries to be as close to him as he can be with him acting this way since he is the only parent he has left, and I can understand that. Some of the things he does are very hurtful and I hate to watch him act ridiculous at the expense of my husband. My husband usually dismisses the things my FIL does and just tells me he "can't believe it" at the time but then lets it go. I tend to hold on to things a bit longer since it is my husband who ends up with hurt feelings. Any of our friends who really know my FIL totally agree that the way he acts is unacceptable and that I have always been much nicer to him than necessary.
Anyway, after giving you the details, my question is this. Is it wrong to ask my husband to speak with his father on speaker-phone at times when I am around? I do not ask him to do this all the time, but if there is something big going on in our lives or we have a big decision to make and I know my FIL is going to add his two-cents, I like to be able to hear what he has to say because his comments are usually way out of line and I have heard him say some rude things relating to me by doing this in the past. I think if it is a decision for my DH and I then I deserve to hear what my FIL says if he is going to stick his nose where it doesn't belong and possibly makes hurtful comments about me. My husband has never had a problem with this, as he knows I am generally laid back and don't usually intrude, but a friend was over recently and I asked my husband to refrain from answering a call from his father until we were alone and I could be included in the conversation. This friend doesn't know the entire story and if we speak to my parents to get their advice I always have my husband on the phone so we can both hear what they have to say. Our friend just made comments about the fact that I ask my husband to do this sometimes and I wanted to know if anyone thought I was way out of line. Thank you for your input and sorry this post was so long!
Re: Problem with my FIL(sorry it's so long)
Stop listening on speaker! First of all, does your FIL know he's on speaker? If not, then this is an unfair and dishonest way of dealing with him. Why do you even want to hear the things he says about you? To add more fuel to the fire? You know how he is, he's never going to change.
Your problem is your husband. Who likes confrontation? This is a poor excuse. If your FIL is treating you poorly, DH should step in demand the behaviour cease in no uncertain terms, and if it doesn't, exit the situation.
Your other option is to remove yourself from the situation. Stand up for yourself, and if that doesn't work, or you get no back up from hubby, then tell DH you have no problem with him seeing his dad, but you will not be going along.
Good luck.
I know where you are coming from, because there have been more than a few phone calls where I heard my MIL saying terrible things about me and/or about our life choices. I understand wanting to know what mean things are being said about you. But here's the thing, does it make any difference? At all? Does it do you any good to hear FIL saying all those awful things? Is it influencing what your H does, or is he just saying "that's nice" and proceeding to do what you two had already decided to begin with?
You don't really need to be included in the conversation. Asking your H to put every phone call from FIL on speakerphone is a bit too much. Trust your H to tell you if anything FIL says is relevant or worth talking about. Otherwise, let it go. Ask H later if you really have to know exactly what is being said. Your H is on your side (or should be....), so it isn't like you have to worry about him hiding things from you.
How about not discussing big decisions with FIL until after his input does not make a difference? For example, if you are buying a washing machine (or a car, or a house), after it has been ordered, tell FIL "we just ordered a Maytag washer!"
Unless your FIL is an expert (appliance salesperson, realtor, handyman), why do you seek his counsel when you know it will cause problems?
If your husband will not confront your FIL, then I don't think it's wrong for you to say "my career choices are none of your business." Or, you could have a sense of humor and say "it doesn't matter what job I have, since once I have kids I plan to Stay at home." lol
"not good with confrontation" means "Dad it's fine to say whatever you want."
You have a cowardly spineless H problem, not a rude FIL problem.
I fail to see how allowing your FIL to talk trash about you is helping your H's relationship with him. Not standing up for one's spouse doesn't translate into lack of confrontational skills, rather it means to not know what respect is. Doesn't your H feel like he's disrespecting you by allowing this?
I suggest doing as PP mentioned and have a serious conversation with your H about what's actually going on. The two can very well nurture their relationship without insulting you; if they can't, FIL will have to deal with the consequences. Don't we all deal with the consequences of our actions sooner or later?
I would also suggest to take the matter into your own hands next time FIL says something to your face.
I think it's silly and unproductive to ask your husband to only talk to his father when you can here him. You have nothing to gain from hearing him talk trash. Just more aggravation.
It's totally okay to NOT tell your FIL about things in your life that are none of his business.
Your DH doesn't do a good job at ALL of defending you. If he did, you wouldn't feel the need to sit in on all their conversations. The fact that you feel you have to do this tells me that it's your DH that you're more concerned about than your FIL.
Your DH can "have a relationship" w/ his dad WITHOUT including his dad on decisions you all make. Honestly- I'm kind of flumoxed by this. He can't "stick his nose in" if he doesn't even know about the decision!! So again, this is about your DH, not your FIL.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
He married you? Good. He should work on growing a pair and start acting like it.
His dad appears to care very little that his wife is gone. Your DH isn't coddling him or making him feel better. It doesn't sound like he's adding anything to his life. All of DH's decisions are to make himself feel better. He may need therapy.