Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Helping getting over another guy
I need some advice. I have been married for only a couple months, and love my husband so much. But there is another guy who I have always had really strong feelings for, and I know he's always liked me a lot too even though he's been married for several years. We've never been together because we're both in very happy relationships, but we've talked about our feelings before. But now, whenever I'm with him I have a really hard time emotionally. I've actually told him this and told him it might be too hard for me to be friends with him, but he said he can't stand the thought of losing me from his life as a friend. I don't want to lose him either, but I get so heartbroken whenever I see him. I definitely love my husband and wouldn't leave him for this other guy even if the opportunity presented itself; I just have a lot of mixed emotions and feelings for him that I can't seem to get over.
Re: Helping getting over another guy
I try to think of things from my husband's perspective. I would not be a happy camper if my husband was hanging out with a girl that I knew he had feelings for, even if he assured me that they didn't do anything physical. I trust him completely but I've had several friends who started out platonic and ended up cheating on their husbands. Out of respect for my husband, I personally would make the tough decision and put my husband and marriage first. What do you have to gain by keeping a friendship with him? And what would you lose if ya'll made a move in a moment of weakness?
In my opinion, the risk isn't worth it.
You need to stop seeing this friend. To me this is incredibly simple. You might not want to lose his friendship, but would you rather lose your husband? The way you're talking makes it sound like if this relationship may not remain platonic in the future. I might be sounding a little extreme, but this sounds like emotional cheating to me...
Try to see it from you're husband perspective,how would you feel?
I know it's hard,but you have to stop seeing him or otherwise you will hurt you're husband deeply and may even break you're marriage.
*************************************
Check out my blog!: From Pinot to Parenthood
Thanks for your advice. The fact that you've all given me the same advice makes it seem so obvious. It's just so hard to convince myself when he's one of my absolute favorite people, and he doesn't want to lose me from his life either.
I think in order to make it happen, I need to send him an email telling him, "I just can't see you anymore, I need to focus on my marriage, etc. and so do you, and I think we are a distraction for each other" or something like that. Email because I'll definitely change my mind if he has any chance to talk me out of it.
But then do I unfriend him from facebook, twitter, etc? I probably should so I can just forget about him, as hard as that may be, but I just don't know if I can bring myself to actually click the "unfriend" button. ugh.. I hate that I'm so torn about this!
I didn't respond to your original post, since it seemed like other posters covered it already, but wanted to respond to this part. Yes, you do need to cut off contact, because the level of attachment you have to this guy is keeping you from investing fully in your marriage.
Your responsibility is to honor your commitment to your husband, and if it means you have to go cold turkey on contact with the other guy because one discussion could persuade you to continue the we're-just-friends-that-could-have-been-more dance, then that's what you have to do. I would not send him an e-mail saying goodbye or explaining why- even one e-mail, even just once, is still focusing on the feelings for the guy and not the feelings of your husband.
YOu needed to fully get over the end of the other relationship and you needed to "over" seeing the other guy before you even began dating anybody else.
Cut this guy out of your life NOW. "Lose him"? Give me a break. You're married now; this other guy is NOT a bona fide friend.
It sounds to me like you want your cake and eat it too. Sorry, not possible.
Suppose this was the other way around and your H insisted on keeping in contact with a forrmer gf that he broke up with right before he met you? I'm sure you'd be pretty pissed about it.
Yes. You cut ties. That means every where. If you aren't wililng to do this, then you are lying to yourself and to your husband and your true feelings are for this other guy and not your DH. You can't be FB friends and "spy" on him from afar. B/c if you stayed FB friends that's exactly what you'd be doing. "What's so and so up to? Oh, his profile pic changed. Ugh. Who's that girl he's with?!? Oh, what's he doing today? Did he make a comment about missing me today? Why didn't he "like" my comment about XYZ?" See my point? Make the break, clean and quick.
You don't even have to contact him at all. Just end contact.
He'll get the message sooner or later. THat's not your problem; it will be his.
You cut off ALL contact with him: phne, email, FB and other social media. As they say, it's "only' FB.
Sorry for being so harsh but, If you have to think about making a decision between you friend and your husband, maybe you should really take a step back and really think about how much you really love your husband.
The reason why I am saying this is because I was in a similiar situation not to long ago and nothing good came out of it.... I am no longer with my husband and my best friend so to speak is still with his wife.
So for your sake, think about it long and hard.
Hope this helps.
I don't think cutting off contact is good enough, you need to figure out WHY choosing between him and your husband is so difficult. You need counseling. But you definitely need to take a step back. You don't need to defriend him, delet all his numbers, etc. just stop making plans to see him one on one, stop talking one on one, stop discussing how you have feelings for one another. DO NOT EMAIL HIM to cut off contact, that's the perfect way for your husband or his wife to find verbal confirmation of a borderline emotional affair. Just stop initiating contact and when he initiates, tell him you need to step down the relationship. You're not comfortable with it. Period.
I also have to ask how old you are and how long you have been with your husband. To me, feeling this strong pull to a "friend" and keeping him as a back up all this time signals something lacking in the marriage or something lacking with your own self confidence. Most of the friends I have who do this have significant issues in their marriages
Of course I ditto all PPs and to me it does sound like emotional cheating. To think of my husband saying to another woman "it's too hard for me to be friends with you" (insert "because I have too strong of feelings for you") kills me. Cut off all ties with him. Eventually you'll get over it, but it'll be a lot easier if you don't see or talk to him. It seems as though you're taking this seriously, you just have to take that step.
Yes. Un-friend him from EVERYTHING. That email should be the last type of contact you ever have. Trust me just do it. I was kind of in the same situation as you. Only I was over the guy before I was married and before I was even engaged. About a month into my relationship with my husband I made the choice to never speak to him again and there isn't a day that I don't regret doing so. Out of respect and love for your husband you have to do this.
I feel bad for your husband.
Why in the world would you marry him if you didnt love him a scizillion percent and wanted no one else? I mean, thats how I feel about my DH and if I didnt feel that way I wouldnt have married him.
it must suck to be your husband .
I find your post so disturbing it is hard for me to even respond to it. IMO you are cheating on your H already. The fact that you would even post on the internet on HOW to cut off contact with another man you have any kind of feelings for and you are actually married to someone else is really not okay, no matter how you cut it.
I think you need to seperate from your H and go to counseling. You are not being fair to H and if I was in that situation there would be no question that MH was cheating. I personally find the emotional part of affairs more disturbing that the physical part. But I am going through a divorce that ended in a very bad way so maybe I am overly sensitive about this situation?