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Considering Separation...Advice?
I?m considering separating from my husband and would love to know, for those who have been through it, what?s the first step? What are some tips that you can provide for the smoothest transition possible?
Background: I?m 31, DH is 43. Dated almost 2 years, married 4 years, 2 boys (21 months and 8 months). I'm a (mostly) SAHM-- I work about 10 hours total, 2x/week as a consultant.Problems started while we were dating: Fighting, yelling, name-calling, lying, etc. I stupidly thought things would change with some help (we had marriage counseling). I was a fool for marrying this man, but it was not a mistake to have my boys?my children are the best things that have ever happened to me. I will never regret this marriage, because it brought me them?but I think it?s time to leave. (Perhaps separating will encourage DH to make some changes?but either way, I can?t live like this much longer.)
We?re having a lot of problems: Cannot communicate, distant, we?re not even friends anymore. We?re roommates. I cringe when he touches me because emotionally I?m so fed up. When we do have sex (RARELY), it?s b/c DH uses me to fulfill a need. There?s no love or intimacy behind it & I?m just too tired to fight about it, so I give in. DH recently lost his 2nd job in 4 years, partially because of his poor work ethic. He constantly lies to me when he wants to do something that he knows I won?t approve of.
For example, I found out this morning that he withdrew $200 out of our account this week to loan to a friend. He said he didn?t tell me about it b/c he knew I?d say no?Of course, I?d say no, he?s been unemployed for the past month and we are barely scraping by until his new job starts. Things like this just prove to me how little he respects me & our family. He?s concerned about helping a friend (because he thinks it makes him look good-- no one knows he?s been unemployed), but not concerned about taking care of his family.
Another example of his stellar behavior: We got into a fight on Christmas Eve?he took off and told me he wasn?t going to go to my parents? house (they live on the other side of town & we?d planned to spend Xmas with them) with me and the boys. After 3 hours of waiting for him to come home, I took the kids and left. He never showed up, wouldn?t answer calls & missed his son?s first Christmas. Then, he made up these elaborate lies to his family about what an awesome Christmas we had?and told me I?d better not tell them what really happened.
This is normal for him?He lies to his family and friends about his life, making them believe that he?s this stand up guy, awesome husband, super-dad? It?s like I?m the only one who knows the truth & I?m sick of it. For a while, I felt ?stuck??like I shouldn?t leave because of the kids. Now, I?m realizing that I?m way to young to put up with this BS for the rest of my life. Things have got to change: Whether that means separating & working things out, then getting back together?or just getting a divorce.
Any advice? Thanks for reading.
Re: Considering Separation...Advice?
Looks to me like this was a pathological relationship from the start:
Problems started while we were dating: Fighting, yelling, name-calling, lying, etc. I stupidly thought things would change with some help (we had marriage counseling). I was a fool for marrying this man, but it was not a mistake to have my boys?my children are the best things that have ever happened to me.
Why the heck would you want a guy who calls you names? and LIES???
Honey, you should have run like hell.
he is no example for the kids --- and he's nobody that should have fathered kids at all, given the history you gave us. A dad that lies and treats his wife/the mother of his kids like dirt??? Forget it.
THis is bad news all the way around, especially the money part. You should have been livid. Who knows what he really did with that money? it could have gone to a barman, a drug dealer, a girl/guy or gambling or some other habit of his. Who knows???? And who knows if there isn't more money at stake -- and you only happened to find out about $200??
Leave this scum ASAP. Go see an attorney, secure your assets and when all of that is complete, file for divorce. Don't even tell him you are leaving; leave with the kids when he's gone for work for the day.
Counseling for you, stat. And get your youngsters out of this abnormal and damaging household.
This guy is bad news. Good riddance to bad rubbish, as we used to say in the day.
PS: Run a credit check on yourself and on him. And document everything. Make sure this marriage is history. I don't know what is at stake with the money but who knows how much more to come/how much more is involved??? and who knows what he spent it on?
Why I strongly advised you not to tell him you are leaving and to contact the attorney on the downlow...and then leave on the downlow, while he is at work, after you have filed.
This guy is possibly also mentally ill. Something's not right with him, in addtion to being a scum.
Do what's right for you and your kiddoes; stay safe. Wishing you luck.
I can only imagine what's behind this:
DH recently lost his 2nd job in 4 years, partially because of his poor work ethic. He constantly lies to me when he wants to do something that he knows I won?t approve of.
Want to find out why he got fired?
Call both those employers and pose as somebody who is doing a reference check on him. Who knows what kind of funk he's been up to? And really, poor work ethic? Just based on this, leave this bum.
Thanks for the validation. It's a tough decision to make, but it's a little easier knowing that other people would do the same if they were in my position.
SO true. I've been asking myself that a lot lately-- Why did I marry this guy when there were so many problems & red flags? Sadly, I think that I lot of it had to do with low self esteem-- I'd ended a relationship a year before that broke my heart (not to mention an abusive relationship in my past) & I think that maybe I didn't think I deserved better. (I've struggled with depression & anxiety my whole adult life.) He wanted to get married, wanted to have kids and I think that I subconsciously thought that this could be my last chance. Ridiculous! I was 27!!
This is definitely not the first time this kind of thing has happened-- usually it's tangible items though. Like, our budget is really tight, he says he wants a netbook, I say we can't afford it, he buys it anyway, then says, "I knew you wouldn't approve."
The job-- when I say he has a poor work ethic, here's what I consider to be actions that have contributed to the loss of both jobs: going in late, excessively long lunches, leaving early, not returning work phone calls/emails while on vacation. He claims that none of these have to do with why he lost his job, but how could they not?! (There are other reasons that I know about, but they'd take a while to type out!)
As for the comment about mental illness-- I've often wondered about this myself. He has a haunted past of alcoholic parents, neglect, two sibling deaths as children, divorce and incest. It's a mess. He's been to counseling, but there are obviously many issues he didn't work out... which is sad, but that doesn't mean I have to put up with the aftermath. (I know that sounds insensitive... but I can't help someone who won't help himself.)
You've got a middle schooler here, not a man who is several years away from the midpoint of his life:
This is definitely not the first time this kind of thing has happened-- usually it's tangible items though. Like, our budget is really tight, he says he wants a netbook, I say we can't afford it, he buys it anyway, then says, "I knew you wouldn't approve."
The job-- when I say he has a poor work ethic, here's what I consider to be actions that have contributed to the loss of both jobs: going in late, excessively long lunches, leaving early, not returning work phone calls/emails while on vacation. He claims that none of these have to do with why he lost his job, but how could they not?! (There are other reasons that I know about, but they'd take a while to type out!)
As for the comment about mental illness-- I've often wondered about this myself. He has a haunted past of alcoholic parents, neglect, two sibling deaths as children, divorce and incest. It's a mess. He's been to counseling, but there are obviously many issues he didn't work out... which is sad, but that doesn't mean I have to put up with the aftermath. (I know that sounds insensitive... but I can't help someone who won't help himself.)
He's woefully irresponsible and he doesn't even understand the concept of "OUR money." He doesn't even get the concept of "If I cannot afford it, I cannot buy it." Sheesh.
Get rid of this piece of dead weight and the sooner the better. And find a guy you do not have to actively parent. You've got 2 under 2 to contend with, not 3 under 2.
I would consult an attorney and start looking for full time employment and a daycare. When you get the job lined up, you'll need a daycare and an apartment unless you're going to ask him to leave the house and think he will go. I would do the job and the attorney now so you can make sure you do everything buy the book when you get the job and leave....ex. will you be penalized if you're the one who leaves the house? Can you take half of your bank accounts or other assets with you legally? Etc.
Also please be very careful. If you've caught him in these lies there are more. And if he is this obsessed with having control and how people perceive him, he is going to freaking lose it when you leave. Which means he could be very dangerous to you. Make sure people know where you are all the time, keep people you know with you, don't agree to see him alone, etc.
Thanks for this advice-- it's very helpful.
We had a long talk (fight) last night. He, as usual, tried to manipulate the discussion into being about everything that *I* do wrong. I'm far from perfect, but I'm truthful, faithful, honest and committed to my family. He kept saying, "The way you're looking at me right now is BS. Get off your high horse. You're so spoiled. You're so lazy. All you do it sit on your ass and craft. F*ck you."
Apparently, if I'm not bringing home a paycheck as large as his, I "don't do anything." Interesting.
I stayed pretty calm and told him that the reason that I was looking at him that way is that I'm just done... that after almost 6 years of this, I've realized that I'm too young to live this way for the rest of my life. I said, "I take care of our children, which we both agreed was the most important job for me to do. I work outside our home two days a week. I run a relatively successful etsy business. I maintain close relationships with my family. I'm not the best housekeeper, but I hardly believe that fault negates everything else that I *am* doing."
His argument was that I don't appreciate how hard he works-- it doesn't have anything to do with that.I appreciate the money that he brings home for our family. What I don't appreciate is everything else!
He kept saying that I make too big of a deal about the "little" things. According to him, I should be perfectly happy with our life as long as 1) He's not cheating. 2) He brings home a paycheck & 3) He's a good dad. I kept asking him if he realized how absurd that sounds-- so as long as he meets those three criteria, he can speak to me in a verbally abusive way when he's angry, steal money from our family account, lie to me, abandon his family on holidays, etc? Nope, sorry buddy-- I don't think so.
I told him that I'd done everything I could to prevent us from getting to this point. I've been begging him for 3.5 years to go back to counseling, but he has refused to go. We've gotten to the point where we've talked about divorce at least 3 times in the past year. I've reiterated to him time & time again that we are CLEARLY not able to work through our problems by ourselves & the thought of losing his boys (if not me) should be a wake up call to him that he needs to try to work through things. But, he won't. He'll never change.
The conversation just kind of ended abruptly-- he said he was going to bed. He left for work this morning before the kids and I got up & didn't speak to me. That kind of thing used to make me so mad. Instead, I'm just thankful I didn't have to deal with him.