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Are we over?
My husband and I have been married for 2 years, and together a total of 6. We don't really fight..only have occasional bickering. But there's a HUGE problem, which at first I believed was my fault. So here's my story....It's gonna be a long one...
My husband has never been that interested in sex...I was lucky if we were having sex once a month, and I felt like had to force him, It's always been pretty mediocre to be honest. But I stayed with him because we get along well 90% of the time, we have fun, can laugh together, we have 2 awesome fur-babies, and he takes good care of me, all my needs are met... except for respect and sex. I quit my job last year to go back to school, which he was completely supportive of and foots the bill. My first semester of school was a tough transition, but we were doing well, and he was supportive and he picked up the slack. Then something changed... I was on winter break and his whole attitude toward me changed. We went on a trip which was supposed to be just for us, and for some reason he invited his parents. During that trip I initiated sex, and pretty much had to force him ( Sounds horrible!) In the middle of it he told me I had to be quiet because I was getting too loud! That wasn't the first time he's told me to quiet down during sex. Not long after we got home I was getting ready for bed and went into the family room to kiss him goodnight and I caught him watching porn on the laptop. This has been an on-going problem. There were many times I would practically beg him for sex, and he would never go for it. He would tell me he was too tired from work ( He only works 35 hrs a week), didn't feel well, or he was busy watching something on TV. So I called him out on watching the porn, but not wanting to have sex with his wife who is dying to do it! Later that week I found out he's been looking at a lot of porn online, meanwhile ignoring me and saying he's stopped watching it. He changed the settings on the computer so history wasn't being saved, but I found a loop hole, and saw all the sites he was looking at and when he was looking at them. So I decided to talk to him about it ( I never once yelled or threw a fit over this). After I called him out on it again, he just blurted out "I have an addiction! What do you want me to do about it?" I suggested counseling for him and us, but he refuses. He did see our family Dr and told her that he was depressed and it was because I'm in school and not there for him. (WHAAAT???!!!) Kinda strange since I had been BEGGING him for it for almost a year! Then he later tells me that he stopped having sex with me because he doesn't want to get me pregnant...not because of me trying to get through school but because of my health. I am a type 1 diabetic, and he was there with me when I was diagnosed, BEFORE he ever proposed to me, and I'm on birth control. So here we are, 6 months later, no sex, not even sleeping in the same room. I try to discuss this with him, see how he feels and try to fix things...he either changes the subject or tells me he thinks things are "fine." I'm 30 years old, trying to get through nursing school and I'm really hurt that the man I love and planned on having a family and a great life with has decided he doesn't want to have kids with me, is now ignoring me physically and emotionally, and somehow thinks this is normal. I can't leave until I'm done with school and I'm afraid if I give him an ultimatum now, he'll just tell me to leave. Unfortunately, right now I'm completely dependent on him.
Are we over? Should I keep trying? When do I know it's time to just walk away and if I'm making the right decision?
Re: Are we over?
Anything could be on the agenda here.
I always always ask this question:
If sex is important to you and was, at all times since you've become sexually active, why the heck did you continue a relationship with a guy who wasn't as hot for sex as you were?
You and he were sexually incompatible. True, sex isn't everything in a relationship but it IS important and sex is one of the 3 biggies a couple will argue vehemently about -- the other 2 are religion and money.
It's hard to say what happened here.
Maybe he's decided not to have sex with you anymore, maybe he is having an affair, maybe he prefers porn and masturbation as a quick fix over sex with a partner. (Maybe he's got an addiction to porn, perhaps not. Who knows? That he admitted he "does"? Neither here nor there...I myself am going to call his bluff, and bullshit, on his "woe is me I have a problem with porn" admission)
When a guy shuts down like this sexually, I tend to thing AFFAIR. When there is a disconnect in the bedroom, something oftenasnot is very fishy on the spouse's end.
Here is the thing:
Somewhere the playing field changed. You are now delegated to the shelf, in pretty much everything -- and this is NO way to be a partner in a marriage.
You decide where you want to go from here:
1-You move on, in an open and shut case, and divorce this guy
2-You and he get counseling and if it does not work and things remain the same, then move on
3-He gives you the option of pursuing an open relationship, while staying married to him.
Don't use school as a reason to stay in a marriage that's frought with problems and don't use school as a reason to stay with somebody who, IMO, has emotionally checked out of the marriage.
You can attend school on a part time basis, or work days and attend school during the evenings; lots of nursing students do it that way (or attend school during the day and work after school). Again, where there is a will there's a way. GL.
If your program is as rigorous as mine was, working is not an option while going to nursing school. Also, I don't know of any part-time nursing programs in my area.... If you can stand living with him, I would do it just to get through school. I know that's kind of cold-hearted and some might say, just plain wrong---I think you need to look out for yourself here. He made promises to you that he didn't keep. The least he can do is offer you a home for the next two years... Who knows, you may actually work things out.
There are community colleges that offer nursing programs.
And no way would I tax my sanity and what there is of my self esteem to be in a loveless and pointless relationship and one in which the H treats me like a nobody. Is that worth it, all on account of school??? I think not.
I am convinced this guy is having an affair. All of a sudden, the entire playing field changed and he wants no action in the bedroom at all? This reeks and how.
Community colleges don't necessarily offer part-time programs.
I can be treated like a nobody for 2 years if it means I'll have my dream job and a brighter future ahead of me. I'm not saying it would be easy, but for me, it would be worth it. I say this from experience.
Two semesters? Even better.
That's what I keep holding on to..I'll have a great career and a bright future with or without him. No one really understands what it takes to get through nursing school...we're a whole other breed and go through things most people couldn't even imagine. I'm lucky I have a great support system for school, we're a family. They've helped me through some of what I've been going through.
That's another story altogether. No nurses are being hired in our area....and you may NOT get your choice of shifts when you get a job. Remember, you'll be the least senior and the least experienced.
It's really pretty grim for American trained nurses. blame the H1B program on that. We have plenty of American trained nurses; hire AMERICAN.
There is also the option of moving in with a slew of roommates and living off your savings for the next year or so until you graduate.
Rethink staying in a hopeless situation. The situation can worsen in that time --- who knows what else will be at stake?
And suppose HE decides to take off on YOU first? What then?
I've been trying to think of every possibility from me leaving, him deciding that I have to leave ( We are renting one of his parents homes) and everything in between. I've been putting money away for a few months, and took a job until school starts again. So, if for some reason I do end up leaving, at least I have something to live off of. I'm pretty much going to be giving up everything, except for my dog and personal belongings. The only thing I want from him is to cover my prescriptions until I get a job with medical...nothing else matters, it's just stuff that can be replaced. In all honestly I just want my old husband back. But he has to chose to make the effort and make the change, there's nothing else I can say or do. Right now, we're just roommates, that luckily can get along.
I think this is what NewEngland wifey was getting at. You admitted that he was never interested in sex and that it was always mediocre. So if sex if important to you, than you really have no one else to blame for your predicament.
I said that right from the start:
If sex means a lot to you and it is very important, then why do you want a guy who simply is not as hot for sex as you are?
This is already a textbook case of sexual imcompatibility.
Remember Charlotte York from SATC? Ficton and TV, yeah, but look at what happened once she married the lukewarm and the not so sexsational Trey. That was why they got divorced, more or less.
A guy is what he is right now. If he's meh about sex now, he will be in the future. Marrying him won't improve the situation.
And give serious consideration to the possibility that this guy is either having an affair or he has simply decided there will not be any more sexual contact with you. That he is ignoring you on both the bedroom fronts and the out of bedroom turf has me smelling a great big adulterous rat. Be wary: something is very amiss here.
You're a type 1 diabetic? Then the stress of putting up with this jerk is going to wreak plenty of havoc with your blood sugar and your overall health. I wouldn't stay with him on a bet.
The sooner he's out of there, the better off you'll be for a bigger and brighter future. I wold not want to stay in a marriage with a guy who simply no longer cares -- oh? and in the meanwhile, YOU get to provide maid service for him, chef service for him,. be a laundress for him and be chief cook and bottle washer while he treats you like pretty much.... a servant.
RETHINK him.
Please.
How are we cowards?
She spelled it out. We told her where it is at. Up to her if she wants our advice or not.
How does he "owe" her anything? That's my big question.
I believe that the emotional damage caused by a spouses rejection of you should be aknowledged here. The poor girl is going through a lot of emotional turmoil over his lack of desire for her, believe me I know. I do think though that you need to have an honest conversation with him and tell him that things need to change because you are unhappy, and if one is unhappy then the relationship has problems. He should want to fix this as you have been spending the last couple of years in school to better your future "Together". Is everyone missing this point? Usually when a spouse enters into school it is for the good of the couple not just for the individual. Assets are or at least should be equally divided and this includes monetary. Goodness! If he is not being there as a supportive unit to his spouse who is working her ass off to better their future then she has every right to leave and could, in the court of law, legally have him pay for meds. In fact he would have to support her in the "way that she is used to" for a time after the divorce. Nursing school takes up every waking minute of your time and often into sleeping hours, I know this as I am a nursing student as well. It is very hard to work around that schedule. Although I do think that you could work a few hours a week as a waitress, I spent this last semester working as a wedding/event coordinator, being a full time student and raising two little ones. It is doable it's just very hard. You have to really believe in what you are doing and you have to have a high drive for it (your health may pose an issue though). Look into aid, there is medical aid out there for students, get help and leave this man. I see both sides here but I do not feel you should be brought down at all. The outlook is very daunting. But I can assure you that you can make it through this with or without him. I'm leaning more towards without. Maybe he would be willing to help get you through the rest of school knowing that it is not working for you guys. It sounds like it wouldn't be much change but you would have to prepare yourself for the possibility of him dating another woman in front of you if you chose to end it but continue to live together until you can get back on your feet. I think the point is this: be honest with him. Express how your feeling and let him know how it hurts you. If he wants to fix it he will, if not then you are probably better off. I know it's hard but you CAN do it on your own, take it from someone who has. You have no kids to support either, and I'm not trying to be holier-than- thou here, I am just saying you can do this. Trust me! GL.
Sometimes when people get addicted to porn and watch it too much, they are no longer able to be turned on by real sex. I agree with you that your husband needs counseling, but I think based on the above this a was a problem before you two ever started getting serious and in general it looks like your sex drives don't match.
Perhaps with some counseling it could get better, but that would depend on him. Maybe it might help him to get it on to watch porn together before being intimate, or see if he has any other position/bedroom preferences to help him get into it more..?
It sounds like there are other issues at play as well, but sometimes not having good intimacy can exaggerate them.