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Feeling hurt and betrayed
We are exactly one month shy of our 3rd anniversary. On the 4th of July, while at a family celebration at his relative's house, he handed me his cell phone so I could speak with my father. When we hung up, his phone immediately jumped to a text message that came in while I was on the phone. It was obviously from a woman and could be interpreted as "suggestive." (And yes, that is how I interpreted it!) Because of the questionable nature of the text, I scrolled farther up the previous messages which go on extensively. There are messages that, although not "sexting" clealry give the impression that there is an affair going on. (i.e. one of them was 'don't you want to meet me? with the response "yeah.")
I stormed out of the house handed him his phone, demanded the car keys and told him "your girlfriend texted you." He gave a "confused look." After I left, he started calling me and sending me text messages saying it wasn't how it looked. Over the past few days, he has admitted that he was wrong, but swears that it was "just talk" that nothing happened, she is just a "friend," he loves me, and hopes I can believe him one day soon.
I feel so hurt right now that I can barely look at him. The craziest part is that I do believe him when he says they never actually met up and have not physically cheated. I can't help feeling emotionally betrayed however. While he understands that he's hurt me and is very apologetic, I don't think he really gets that all cheating isn't physical.
I'm not sure what to do . . . thanks for listening.
Re: Feeling hurt and betrayed
If he is truly sorry and wants to work on it, and you think that you want to be with him then you need to go to counseling and work on this TOGETHER.
If you can't forgive him then you need to tell him and start to move on.
Personally, if he is handing you the phone with those texts on there he clearly wasn't trying to hide anything.
Just talk? and it's only a friend?
The usual story from a guy who is cheating...that's what he is pretty much doing: cheating.
What do you do?
Show him the door. That's what.
Oh, please. You know what you saw. The only reason he's admitting to a "secret friendship" is that you haven't actually seen him f*ck her, and he knows that you want to believe him that it's not an affair. But you know it is. You know it.
Eventually you'll let yourself know what you already do, and you'll either leave him or try to love and trust him again while seething with resentment that this is something you have to "try". But you know what he is and what he has done. You'll never look at him or respect him like you did. Never.
This x's 10!!
Or, he's just an absent-minded idiot.
Either way OP, this would be a serious issue with me personally and I would not take it lightly. I, like you, would have been livid, not to mention hurt and betrayed. However, is it so serious as to break up the marriage at this point... maybe not. However, there would be some serious talking (and quite honestly, making up on his part) to do. The problem now, is that your trust in him has been broken, whether he actually met up with her or not, and it will take time for that to heal. You need to make that clear to him and he needs to wait, patiently, for you to forgive him. That's not to say that you have to torture him, but I would definitely be distant from my husband for a while. If you can work past that, and he SHOWS you in time that he is worthy of your trust again, you can hopefully forgive and move on. Good luck lady.
That's a tough one. I was seriously dating a guy before I got together with my now H.
We dated for 2.5 years, and while I know dating isn't the same thing as marriage...it was a pretty serious relationship. We were at the point where we were starting to talk about engagement. I trusted him implicitly throughout the entire relationship. He knew that I have VERY strong feelings about cheating. He eventually came clean once we started talking about engagement, saying that he knew he could never marry me without me knowing that he had cheated on me. Three different times - while it was only "making out" (according to him), it's almost more the thought behind it than anything else. He told me a story about how he volunteered to walk a girl home from the bar. Agreed to go into her house. Agreed to sit on the couch and watch TV. Eventually started getting physical with her, and when she asked "What about your girlfriend?", he told her "don't worry about it." My blood ran cold...this wasn't any accidental, living in the moment type event. He had plenty of time to think about it, and still made the wrong decision.
All this from a guy who had a great reputation and a lot of respect from the people who knew him. I never once suspected, and I'm the "jealous" type. He had me so hoodwinked that I looked past several happenings like this...where your H hasn't physically cheated (at least you think), but that doesn't necessarily mean that he is totally innocent, either. My ex had once told me in high school that he had cheated on his girlfriend, but that he felt so terrible about it that he would never do it again. I chose to believe him, but obviously what some people say and what some people do are 2 different things. Maybe I've just got a bad taste in my mouth leftover from this whole ordeal, my IMO 90% of guys are in the "once a cheater, always a cheater" category.
I felt so betrayed and distraught that I just didn't know what to do. Over a period of several months I worked through my feelings. I just felt like I had my entire life ahead of me, and although I had forgiven him and was thankful he came clean with me that I knew in my heart that I would never be able to trust him again. I left him, and thank God every day that I did because my relationship with my H is 1,000 times better than my relationship with my ex ever was. Sometimes things have to get worse to get better.
I guess it worries me a little bit that your H first denied it, then only admitted that it was inappropriate after you wouldn't let it go, but with the caveat that nothing physical happened. Even if it didn't...you are right about the emotional betrayal feeling worse than the physical. At least it does in my opinion, or at least just as bad.
This has all happened so recently that you can't really be sure what to do, like you said. I guess at this point if it were me, I'd let H know that this was a serious f#ck up and that you just don't know how you feel. That you have to work through some issues. That he is going to have to earn your trust back. This is your H, not just some boyfriend, so I do think you should give him the benefit of the doubt.
I guess that's not really good explicit advice of what to do either way, I guess all I can say is give it some time. It sounds stupid but you'll know in your heart whether you can move past it or not. It took me 6 months to make the decision, and that was with someone who was only a boyfriend.
But keep your chin up - sorry that you are feeling this way.