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XP: need some guidance
ok, so here it goes...
DH and I are having some financial differences.. We have a joint account in which his checkhe is direct deposited as well as mine. He has said on several occasions that he doesnt want debit or credit cards as he is financially irresponsible. I handle the bills and our expenses because he doesn't want to be bothered.He works FT for the most part, but has some definite attendance issues and I'm concerned he is all the edge of being $hitcanned. I work a minimum of 55 hours a week and still manage to run the house etc. Lately he has been making comments under his breath about having to ask me for money or the debit card and I'm the bad person for doing what he had asked me to... So my question is this.
Am I better off to give him a breakdown of shared expenses and tell him what I need dropped in our account for the bills and leave him the rest? Do I get him a debit card and chance him effing up the account?
Yesterday he grabbed one of my checks and was going to help himself to the account for a fishing trip he had already grabbed money for earlier- I would have had no clue about the missing check or funds until it was posted as he never said a thing to me. I'm getting frustrated with this man of the house bs speach as well- I bust my butt, bring home more than twice what he does and i still do all of the financial aspects, cooking and cleaning while he doesn't contribute because "I get his whole check" and when i try to explain that he takes more than he puts in, it always end in an arguement.
I need help on how to try to approach him with the situation, I am beyond frustrated and feel as though I'mn being taken for granted and then made out to be the bad guy on top of it. I am at the end of my rope and wondering if I can even work this through.
Re: XP: need some guidance
It's scary you can't trust a grown man (your H) to be responsible with money.
Marriage counseling and financial counseling might be good first steps. He seems to be resenting you and that will only go down hill fast. And he was trying to sneak more money than what you agreed upon; hell no. That needs to be fixed. ASAP.
Why aren't you concerned about his attendance issues at work? What happened there?
What about mad money?
The bills are paid each month --- and you and he get a set amount each week of a sum of money that the each of you can spend on your little goodies or whatnot.
He sounds more than a bit irresponsible. He reminds me of a middle schooler that wants some fancy item and whines to get it until his parents give in.
I strongly suggest a financial counselor, for the both of you, stat.
AND the "this is MY paycheck!!" bullshit that he's coing out with has TO STOP. Let a financial planner nip this in the bud --- and also when you marry, his paycheck and yours becomes OUR MONEY: Why is he having such a hard damn time understanding that concept????
And I suggest you sit this guy down and read him the riot act.
You did not get married to be a parent and you didn't get married to be an indentured servant -- why isn't he equal partnering the housework, the cooking, the cleaning and all the other household things to do???
I make twice as much as my H and I manage most of our bills. We have a joint account for joint bills and we each have our own accounts that neither have access to. Our individual checking accounts have debit cards, the joint has a single debit card that we can use only as a check carrd (no PIN for ATM use.) Our paychecks are deposited to our individual accounts. I tally the joint bills to get an average per month and we contribute proportionally to the joint account. He has also asked me to pay some of his bills out of the joint account and contributes the necessary $$ to cover them (in addition to his joint responsibility).
The difference here seems to be that we talked about this arrangement pretty extensively before we did it. He also asks for regular updates to our situation and will let me know if he needs to take anything out of the joint accounts. We had some real problems with some poor financial decisions he had made before we got together and into the early part of our relationship and decided this was the best way to improve the situation for everyone. You don't say how you came to this arrangement, other than saying he's financially irresponsible.
The "attendance issues" would be a big concern for me, too. Is this all new behavior or has he always been this way?
Attendance issues these days with employers can be petty and unfair -- people are afraid to get surgery, be out of work due to the flu or take off to see a doc because lots of employers get pissy and fire people. Fact; that's the way it works now.
If his attendance issues is constant unexcused absences, chronically arriving for work late or leaving early when he's not supposed to be or he pulls a vanishing act in the middle of a workday, sure they're gonna be mad as hell.
If he's done things like this, you have a problem in addition to his being irresponsible in other areas of his life. Be extremely wary and concerned.
as far as attendance goes, I would have fired any employee I have that bails off shifts like he does. Its an injury, frustration, or just wanting the day off. I dont agree with it and I've been told to be a wife and not a boss ( Thank God he doesnt work for me)
I was warned at the start of this relationship that he was a challenge by his father, and in his defense, he has changed immensely. BUT, I still expect a partnership and not the 1950's vision he has based on his parents. I have been married before, I have seen the writing on the wall and I know what to watch for, but I have never had to sit down and explain basic economics to a grown man. I also expect someone to go to work and pull their weight. If you hate your job, quit. i can support that decision and the financial bulk while he finds something he enjoys.
it should be our money, but he sees it as his money and my bills- but the only thing that is separate is my car payment, which he does not pay on. How the heck do I sit him down without bugging out and unleashing a verbal assault that has been building up for a bit now?
I think I may go with the fun money as well though, once he sees the monthly outgoing vs intake, maybe he can wrap his head around the budget. And once its gone, tough crap
re: his financial issues and not wanting cc or a dc- he got a huge injury settlement around 22, he blew through it and continued to blow money and tank his credit because he always had someone to save him. I have tried to help him rebuild his credit, get his child support caught up etc. He believes I have a cash fairy hidden somewhere and if I just wish hard enough, she'll pop out with wads for the taking.
I know there are issues, I know they need to be addressed, I'm just not sure how to do so without this escalating because i'm pi$$ed and I suck at choosing the right words and this is a sensitive subject with him. He knows he isn't the main contributor, and I know that bothers him, I think he feels that its belittling to ask me for money, even though that was what he wanted. i just need to figure out how to do this without making him feel like I'm controlling his cash flow
Also, do you guys factor gas into the fun money or do you budget that in for the set expenses?
Sounds like you are his cash fairy. I don't think he has a problem with people bailing him out since he has been 'saved' his entire life. Have him sit down with you to do the bills. I'd be more than pissed I would probably be separating my money from his and making an exit plan. Stop helping him so much.
Yes, factor the fun money in your budget. Make this grown boy a chore chart, too. At the least I wouldn't be cleaning and cooking for him while he sat around.
I'm going to sit down with him tonight and break out the laptop and bills. Maybe i can get him to help with the budget so he feels more responsible and a stronger sense of contribution. I'll budget in his gold stars for the chart too ;p
I know a guy who is just like your H.
He will be 53 next week and he has never ever grown up, either. Doesn't know the value of a dollar, is and was a compulsive liar and also blew through a big wad of cash with no holds barred.
He has been like this for 40 years: since he was a teenager. Somewhere around 8th grade his immaturity began and it never ended.
Your H is, like I said, woefully immature. Tons and tons of issues --- a counselor would not be able to get him to grow up -- that is what his main problem is.
I don't see the use in even pursuing a marriage with this guy: you're his mom more than anything and boyoboy, he sees nothing wrong with you forking over money for his financial problems. This is also somebody with zero character.
I suggest counseling.
If he refuses, or if it does not work, divorce this piece of dead wood. What a nightmare this must be for you. GL.
Hi there, Even though you're in a tough situation right now, just know that you're definitely not alone. I think the kind of conflict you and your husband are having is pretty common. It's good to hear you're starting to take some steps to turn things around and to try to get on the same page about finances. Today I heard a radio broadcast that had some very helpful tips about managing money ? the guest was Mary Hunt, and you can listen here. In my time working with this organization, I've come across some good articles on the website that deal with many of the things that you?ve mentioned you and your husband are struggling with ? might be worth checking out. And as you've said, there may be some relational issues that need to be addressed. I agree with the others who have suggested that it might be a good idea to bring a counselor onboard. If you're not sure where to start with that, you can call 855-771-HELP (4357) to talk to a counselor for free. Hope this helps ? take good care and hang in there!