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I'm and idiot and need advice
I post on thebump regularly. This is an AE. I'm an idiot and don't want people to know so I'm using this account. I'd like advice but feel free to enjoy my stupidity if you don't have advice. Please also try to ignore typos. I'm throwing my self a pity party with my friends Jim and Jack.
Before DH and I got married DH was very innocent in that he didn't ever experiment with all the things people usually do by the time the leave collage. I did. He has only had sex with two women and he married both of us. I'm wife #2. I was with plenty of men before DH. I always thought I was really open when it came to all things sexual. I was when it came to boyfriends before DH.
A friend of DH's got married a few weeks ago. DH was the bestman. When Dh and I got married 5 years ago I wanted his bestman to take him to a strip club because it's "tradition". The timing never worked out. This friend who got married is very religious and didn't have a desire to go but Dh and the guy who was his best man went to a strip club before this friend's bachelor party, if you can call it that. I told them to go. I wanted them to go. It was my idea. I said a lapdance was fine. I'm and idiot. I would have been fine with this with a boyfriend but DH isn't a boyfriend he is my husband. MY husband.
Before he left for the weekend the idea started to bother me but I told myself I was being silly and didn't say anything. I wanted him to have fun. Once again, I'm and idiot. The night he was gone I was so upset I cried about it. The idea of him touching another girl didn't bother me but the idea of another girl on him made me insanely jelous and I felt very hurt.
When he got home I told him how I felt. I made it very clear and that I was in no way mad at him. I had no right to be. I did want to be honest with him. I also knew there would be no way I could hide my feelings if he ever mentioned the strip club. The mere mention of strip clubs in movies now upsets me.
This is now a few weeks later and I'm still really upset. I'm not jelous of her body. I at one point before DH was a suicide girl. If you don't know what that is feel free to google it but it's not at all work safe. I can't dance so I could never be a stripper but I know that's not what I feel threatened about. I'm totally fine with not being able to dance.
I want to get over this but I can't seem to be able to. I usually do best in general when I'm able to face things that are upsetting or scaring me. I know the strippers stage name and where she works. In theory I could go see what she looks like. If she is ugly I can take satisfaction that I am prettier than her. If she looks nice I can be happy that DH has good taste. If this were any other situation I would think I should go and face it so I'd be able to move on but in this case it sounds like it could just end badly.
WTF is wrong with me? Why does this bother me so much? Does anyone have advice? No this is not MUD. On hand hand I could see how it could be taken that way on that other I think that would just be flattering myself. This probably isn't exciting enough to be mistaken for MUD.
Re: I'm and idiot and need advice
Honey, did anything innapropriate actually happen the night he went to the strip club? I mean, other than the lap dance that you told him to get? Did your H act poorly or do anything to make you feel suspicious of how the night went down?
If not, then I think you need to breathe and look at it as an issue within yourself. You told him to go, encouraged him to go in fact. And told him to get a lap dance. Were you just doing that to look like a "supportive wife?" or did you really change your mind once he left?
It sounds like your DH is a good guy and from what you said it sounds like he had an innocent night out with an even more innocent groom and that you have nothing to worry about. If it bothers you now, just be honest with your man in the future and he sounds like he would be supportive of your feelings and not go again. I think you are overthinking this and it is making it worse for you.
Nothing is wrong with you IMO, but you should have been upfront about your feelings before he went there. Perhaps you had a hunch you were insecure about them so you wanted to push him to go to try and force yourself not to feel insecure? I think it's perfectly legit to not like the idea of these places. I don't like them either.
Have you had a conversation with your DH about what went on there and your feelings about it? How did he respond if you have talked about it? If you haven't talked about it, I would suggest you do so.
You went from "yes go to the strip club and have fun" to being all hung up and all insecure about the women working there?
You think the girls in there really really care about the clientele? Uh, they don't.
I fdon't know what to advise you --- you might try talking to a counselor or social worker; you've got some sort of deep seated anxiety that somehow was triggered by this entire strip club mess.
And bullshit to "everybody has to" go to a strip club for a batch -- ask the groom what he wants to do. Maybe the guy would rather go to a ballgame, play paintball or do whatever else -- there are lots of guys who don't like stripclubs and lots of guys who don't ever go near them.
You need counseling for the fact that you have suicide as an unresolved issue. Please go. It will benefit you. GL.
First - you know you made a mistake, no need to address that. Lesson learned for the future.
Second - you need to reason with yourself, almost be your own therapist. When those thoughts start to creep in say "delaneysmom - you are being ridiculous. He's not attracted to some skanky stripper. He loves and adores you. So snap out of it."
Third - I wouldn't recommend going to the strip club to see this girl. Unless it was Scores, I wouldn't bank on her being attractive.
Finally - have you talked to him about this again, since it's been sitting with you. That might do you some good. Hopefully he will be able to talk some sense to you AND put your mind at ease.
Good luck.
I was jealous of strip clubs in my first long relationship then when I was 22 I went to a few. Nothing great there. I was for sure hotter, the girls DID have stretch marks and cellulite and it was so money hungry grubby that it didn't seem that great to any but the nerdiest men who probably never actually touched a REAL boob.
Idk maybe go and check out a club in general? Not stalker like to check out the specific girl he saw? I don't get that? How do you know who it was, did he check her name, have a thing for her, tell you? That is confusing. And what OP said, those strippers go back stage and make serious fun of the "losers" out there footing the bill for their oxycontin pill later.