Trouble in Paradise
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Not sure where to post this, but need help
This is an AE. I have IRL friends on these boards and they cannot know what I'm about to ask. DH and I have been married for 7 years, together for 13. It's been great for the most part except for a rough patch after DD1 was born. He met another woman (girl really....she was so young). Nothing happened beyond kissing and we separated for a while, did the counseling thing, and then got back together. We now have 2 DDs. Everything has been fine, we rarely fight (and when we do it's over stupid stuff), and our sex life seems to have improved. A few months ago a new guy was hired at work. He too is married and has a DS. We started off hating each other, constantly arguing and in general irritating one another. Then, about a month ago something changed and we started getting along. He's good looking, well built, funny, and caring. I'm totally attracted to him. (I think I may have always been, but I'm not sure). I don't know if I'm reading too much into things, but I think he's into me as well. He requests specifically to work with me, notices any little changes I make (hair style, perfume, clothes, etc), waits for me to get to work to get coffee at the coffee shop with me, and as stir as this sounds "likes" or comments on anything I put on Facebook. Today he asked me for my number and as soon as I gave it to him, I knew I was making a mistake. I am hating myself for so many reasons right now and am so confused. I've only ever been with DH. I don't want to ruin my marriage, or anyone else's for that matter, but I can't shake the feelings I have for him and now that I think he feels the same way, it's even worse! Anyone have any thoughts or opinions? Am I reading too much into the whole situation? Should I just hide my feelings and hope they go away? Do I talk to him? Do I tell DH? I'm so sorry this got so long and has no paragraphs(iPad). TIA.
Re: Not sure where to post this, but need help
Three words, YOU ARE MARRIED! End of question, what part of that did you not understand? My suggestion to you is if he persists to take this relationship to something other than friends, you need to make it clear you are married. Nothing else really matters, your feelings mean nothing considering you have two kids and a, for lack of a better word COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP. It doesn't matter what happened in your relationship, but because your husband broke your trust doesn't give you the right to break his trust in you.
I just recently went through this with a co-worker who said she liked me and kept asking me out for drinks after work. I finally just told her I wasn't interested, and that I was married (some people just are blind I wear my ring all the time)
Sorry but you should have been over and out for good:
He met another woman (girl really....she was so young). Nothing happened beyond kissing and we separated for a while,
Second off:
END THE RELATIONSHIP WITH THE OTHER PERSON.
Subconsciously you're trying to get even with your H for what he did with that other woman.
And if you want this same kind of treatment from your H -- compliments, etc that you are getting from this other guy -- TALK TO YOUR H.
You need to communicate with him.
If you sincerely have no more interest in being married, you need to tell your H. And you both need to move on -- if that's what you do, you call a moratorium on dating -- I'd make it for at least 2 years -- during that time, find out what it is you want out of life.
You are married. Lose other guy's number, defriend him on FB and stop flirting with other guy. Figure out whether or not you want to be married via counseling and talking to your H. Do not disrespect yourself and your H by having an affair. Be the bigger person.
I second everyone else's comments - you are married. And you're playing with fire here. Other people come and go in your life, some you may find attractive. But it can't go past that. You need to end this relationship with the work guy, no facebook, no phone calls/texts, no communication outside of the workplace.
I think Tarpon said it - you may be trying to even the score with your husband. If that's the case you need to seek counseling to learn how to work past the resentment and hurt.
If you are really checked out of the marriage, end it, but not because a stronger, funnier, better-looking guy came into the picture. The relationship with this guy is superficial, certainly not worth ending a marriage and breaking up a family.
If you lower yourself to your husbands level and have an affair with your co-worker you can NEVER EVER hold your husbands affair against him....ever.
I agree with all PPs, but especially this one.
A validation and justification for you to go ahead and do exactly what your H did?
Look:
If you think there is no way out and that the marriage is pretty much over, you still owe it to your H to inform him --- yeah, he is a louse for cheating but do him a favor: go, if that is how you feel.
Am I reading too much into the whole situation? Ask his wife that question
Should I just hide my feelings and hope they go away? Ask your husband that question
Do I talk to him? ask his wife and your H
Do I tell DH? tell him what that you are attracted to anouther man?
I think you should make a appointment with your counselor again. By yourself or with your H. You need to give yourself space from your co-worker, so you can think clearly about what you are thinking and feeling.
I went through a similar situation once and the best advice I received was to slow down. Give your marriage a chance to be sure whether you want to be married or not. You will not regret giving your marriage an extra month or longer. However you might regret not giving your marriage that time.
Figure out what is missing in your marriage, communicate your needs to your husband. Spend time with him.
Good luck, it is your life, try to make the choice that is right for you in the long term.
First- no need to tell hubs since you haven't done anything yet. Hopefully he hasn't even called you or texted you.
Second- You DO NEED TO TALK to him and say you feel things have gotten out of hand and you guys need to be more professional. You are co-workers so act like it.
*Im dead sure his wife will not appreciate him calling you and texting you and Im pretty sure your husband wouldn't like that either. Remember what you felt like when your husband did his thing way back when and all you had to remedy it. Would you want another family to have to go through that? Or for yours to it all over again?
Don't be "the other women".
Well, I for one think it's ALWAYS a great idea to make decisions based on what will enable you to hold things over your husband's head most effectively.
*eyeroll*
To me, it kind of sounds like you stopped really being into your husband when he kissed that young girl, and haven't ever really been into him again. Be honest with yourself - would you still be with him if you hadn't been pregnant? If you weren't already married? Are you actually in love with your husband, or do you think that it'd be too much of a hassle to get out of your marriage unless you had a REALLY good reason, like, for example, being in love with another man?
It doesn't matter what this other guy's intentions are, what matters is what your intentions are. Do you want to stay in your marriage? Do you feel like you're being inappropriate?
You don't have to stay in your marriage, but you should figure that out separately from your feelings for this guy. Honestly, it sounds like a bad romantic comedy (we hated each other, then we loved each other... happily ever after!), which might be romantic but usually doesn't make for a good life. Because, honestly, if you leave your husband, do you really want to get with a guy who cheats on his wife (again)?
For now, I'd distance myself from this other guy. Obviously you have to work with him, but you should stop inviting him for coffee, commenting on his FB page (I'd hide him rather than de-friend, just because of the work relationship), and talking about non-work-related things.
What are your intentions? The fact that you are asking for help leads me to believe you want something to come of this. Even it's only a little bit of you. Possibly you like the attention? I'm not sure of the reasons why, but you have two daughters and a happy marriage. Do you really want to give that up?
Um, what? Did you not read her post at all besides the part about the coworker?
Unlike PPs, I don't think you're not that into your husband anymore. I had a very similar situation when DH and I were dating for about 2 years (just got married in June after 5 yrs). There was a guy in the suite next to me in college that I really connected with. We were in a couple classes together & our suites hung out a lot - we ended up flirting way too much. We'd dance at the bars and he'd walk me home (to our dorm building). This was all happening while DH and I were going through a rough patch for other reasons. It was dangerous and exciting when my relationship was monotonous.
I knew it was going too far when he invited me over to watch something alone, as opposed to our suites getting together. It just seemed like crossing the line (like you giving this guy your number). I ended up just telling him the truth - that I did feel a connection but I wasn't willing to cross the line, I loved my boyfriend and couldn't do that to our relationship. He understood and apologized for making me uncomfortable. DH did end up finding out during the process of repairing our relationship, we're through it now though and are much stronger.
I don't think you're a bad person for feeling something for another man. I don't believe that there's only one person out there for everyone, and maybe this guy is someone you truly connect with. That said, so is your DH and you made a vow to him that you need to honor. If you think your DH can deal with this, and your relationship is built on a solid foundation, I would come clean. I would tell him that you feel like something is missing and you obviously would never stray, but coming so close makes you uneasy. It seems like you two are the "work through it" types based on your response to his indiscretion.
At the very least, I agree with PPs, you need to cut ties with this guy at work. Tell him that you think this could end up going too far and you're not willing to do that to your husband. If he is feeling attracted to you he'll understand what you mean. If he isn't and sincerely just wants to be friends, the worst that can happen is that you weird him out a little. Either way he leaves you alone and you can work on your marriage without the distraction.
IA that being attracted to someone else doesn't mean you're not attracted to your spouse any longer. I think anyone on here that says they've never been even remotely attracted (whether it be a hot celeb, etc.) to someone else is lying or in denial. Being attracted to other people is human nature and being married doesn't stop that feeling, but in marrying your H you made a promise to remain faithful. Therefore you need to keep things in check, even if your emotions are confusing, by drawing the line.
A few years before we got married, DH and I were having a rough time at our jobs. We were both working long hours, we're home at the same time, didn't have a lot of time to be intimate, etc. I went to the U.S. to visit my family, partially to get away. When I came back DH came to me upset because he had feelings for a co-worker and was confused. He didn't do anything with this co-worker and he says he never confessed his feelings to her. I trust him to tell the truth. Naturally I wasn't too happy to hear it, but if he hadn't of been honest we wouldn't have been able to address some of our issues and be better off for it.
Therefore I think you should say something to your husband, if not only so you two can try to work on whatever it is propelling you to seek out something in this co-worker. It shows that you care about his trust and about the relationship, too. Also it's always better to come clean than him to find out through the grapevine somehow; it will hurt much more than if you had told him. If you no longer feel like things are working out with your H, you need to be honest with him and either get counseling or split. But either way you need to let your H in on what's going on.
Maybe I'm being naive, but if you value your coworker as a friend, and want to make that side of things work, you might need to remind him that you're both married and that it can only be friendship.
I have been in a similar situation (minus the previous issues with the hubby). Made friends with a single male coworker with whom I had a lot of chemistry, but we set clear boundaries, and now he's one of my closest friends. And, yes, my husband is supportive of this friendship.