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I can't do this anymore...
To give a little background, about a month before we were married - almost 4 years ago - my husband (then fiance) and a female co-worker were texting each other back and forth a lot. One day, while he was in the shower, i decided to take a little peek at his phone and found a million texts to and from each other with texts like, "god i miss you... i can't wait to see you in the morning!!" and other things that i cannot confirm, but there was one from her saying, "i'm so glad i got my goodnight kiss!" makes me sick to even remissness about this situation. well, i of course, blew up on him and walked out of the house. After not returning calls from him that night, I felt bad because there were no actual "sexting" texts and he did apologize that he was texting her so much, so i decided to write an email telling him how hurt i was but at the same time, i forgave him. Well, I sent it off, but quickly decided that it would be better said in person. So, I went into his email to delete mine, and saw a BUNCH of emails from this girl! Naturally, I took a look at those and what I saw literally made me throw up (this is exactly one month before our wedding). There was a "sex quiz" that she said, "YOU BETTER FILL THIS OUT FOR ME!" and it named out exactly everything that she wanted to do with him, and then, referring to a weekend that I was out for wedding related things with my maid of honor, there were emails from her saying, "So happy we had our HOT weekend..." And what made me even more sick was that my fiance was responding to her and calling her Kitten and yes - he did fill out the sex quiz back to her... *tear* - did I mention that she is married (and was married at the point of all of this). Now, we had around 500 people that were going to be attending our wedding, and that is one big reason that I didn't leave him right then and there. He completely broke down and begged me not to leave him, and I just didn't know what to do. But, for whatever the reason, I found the power to forgive him and trust him after he said that he would never do it again.
It's been a pretty tough 4 years with this behind us... for me anyways. I am always very suspicious, and always checking his phone and emails. I hate that I feel that I have to be like this, but the outcome is usually clean and my trust has gotten really built up over the years, when this all first happened, he would report to me every time that he had to speak with her at work, and he cut off all other ties with her. Anywho, if I ever brought up the situation, my husband would get extremely hurt and defensive and deny me from asking any questions, to help me understand why it ever happened. It's been a while since I've had a feeling to mention anything, so things have been great my husband IS an amazing person, we have two beautiful boys now and I love seeing my handsome husband's features in them.
However, my husband just joined the air force and is currently in tech school. I went to visit him for the 4th of July and checked his phone for the time. Being my very suspicious self, and knowing that he's around all of these super horny young men who are all unmarried and sleeping around... I decided to check messages. GuEsS WhO... there were over 200 messages back and fourth to our old friend since he's been in tech school... she initiated, "Hi, I wasn't sure if I should text you or not, but just thought F-it, I want to see if you made it ok." And he responded, "It's ok, she can't track it." (OMG... why he would say this I don't even know because he knows perfectly well that you can!!!) and then it was a whole bunch of talk about how their workplace was doing, and then, on FATHER'S DAY of all days... he was fishing for a picture from her by saying, "I think you need to remind me of how good of a photographer you are". She was being very cautious - hm, maybe she is kind of getting the picture - and she sent a pic of her with her niece. But he responded, with, "I think you can do better than that..." and then she sent one of just her self, unfortunately with cleavage. and asked him if that was better. He said, "getting there kitten". But she didn't send anymore (thank god). And then he wanted to see if she got home from work ok, bleh bleh bleh... but it all stopped around June 21.
I just started balling. I was across the country by myself with him, and all I wanted to do was just hop back on a plane, go home and just die. I just couldn't believe that this was all happening again and we were back at square one after he PROMISED me that this would NEVER happen again. I confronted him and I just lost it, I was yelling and telling him that I was NOT going to live my life in fear of him cheating on me all of the time. I was putting on my shoes and about to leave out the door when he grabbed my hand and dropped to his knees and he was again begging for my forgiveness. I just kept saying, "why am I not good enough for you?? why is she so special to you? why her? why can't you just come to me!?" and he was like, "i don't know, i don't know why i was doing it... i was even asking myself why when i was doing it! i'm stupid, i know i have a problem! That's why I just stopped talking to her a few weeks ago, I just realized that I was ruining myself..." he was in gobbs of tears and i was just sitting there in disbelief. This was supposed to be a romantic trip for us, and it's just been ruined by this - the only virus in our relationship... Now, my trust is just completely gone again. And the worse part is - he's the country away from me this time. I don't know what to do anymore.
We did talk about it the next day, and he matured a lot since the first time. He said that he will welcome any questions that I may have as he knows that he used to shut me down, that he wouldn't ever do that to me again because he knew how much that hurt me. He said that he wants to go to counseling when he gets home so that maybe we can fix his fidelity issues and my trust issues. I told him that I will forgive him this time, but I WILL NOT do this ever again, and I WILL NOT live my life in fear of being cheated on, and walked over.
I guess I'm not looking for advice, just a place to vent. I'm not really wanting to blast this out to everyone because in all actuality, my husband is a great person, and has amazing ambitions and goals, and he does love me and our boys very much. But he does have a weakness - and it seems to be limited to this one girl. I'm not exactly sure why... but it really hurts me to feel like I'm competing for my husband's heart. I'm thankful that in the end, he chooses me, but in all actuality, there shouldn't even be a choice. Thank you for letting me tell my story. Prayers are definitely appreciated. I just hope that he can stay strong and continue to focus on why he joined the military in the first place - to help better support our family. I'm so scared that he's going to loose sight again and just think that I won't find out about them again. I really don't know what I would do, if I saw anymore messages from her again - even if it's a simple hi. I am seriously thinking that if he doesn't cut all ties with her, I might leave.
Re: I can't do this anymore...
I'm sorry but this right here tells me he's been at least on and off with this girl your entire marriage, possibly cheating with her the entire time. He was finding some other way around you checking up on him - a secret email, a pre-paid cell, something.
You should visit survivinginfidelity.com. He may be a great father and maybe he's even otherwise a good person but he is NOT a great partner to you and you deserve better than this.
BFP #4 It's a BOY!
CP: July 2011
BFP #3: 11/3/2011 M/C 12/12/11
We miss you and love you always, little firecrackers!
I totally agree with 8days. He has obviously been doing everything behind your back. Only doing things you can't track and probably just simply deleting the texts and emails he does send her. BTW not that I condone this, but there are spy apps for phones you can track everything he does. I'm pretty sure these are mainly for parents use but it could work wonder if you need EVEN MORE proof that he's cheating on you.
I recommend you re-read your own post. Read it as an outsider and it will become glaringly obvious what must be done. I am not the person to jump straight to the "leave" solution, but honestly he is cheater and he will not change.
There is no woman that deserves this treatment from a spouse. You need to leave him because from the sounds of it, he's been talking to her the whole time and just keeping it more under wraps. He may be a good father but he's not a good partner/husband. He can still be a good father when you're not together. And then you can let yourself let go and find someone who appreciates and respects you enough to not even think twice about talking to someone else or cheating. You really don't deserve to put yourself and your children through this. I'm sure you don't want infidelity and no trust as a model for your children's future relationships with their partners.
It sounds like he doesn't think you'll ever leave as long as he begs for your forgiveness over and over again. Show him that you will and get counseling for yourself and do what's best for you and your children.
No.
He SUCKS.
Cheating is cheating. YOu needed to boot his ass when you were only engaged to him. And you continued with the wedding because why??? Screw the money, screw the guests. This guy, as you can see, was never ever ready for a lifetime commitment. He's still up to the same old bum games.
You need to show him the door.
And do it RIGHT NOW.
And honey, you HAVE been walked all over and he will keep dong it.
This is no example of a marriage for your youngsters and no example of how a guy should treat his wife. Remove yoruself and your girls from this mess --- I guarantee you they will grow up with the message "it is okay for a husband to treat his wife like sh!t...and it's okay to marry a guy who has no respect for his wife." Because that is exactly what this is:
No respect for you.
He will still cheat and find a way to do it. He could get a cell phone that you do not know about and do it that way. He could find some willing body and cheat with her physically.
If you care about yourself and you care about your kids, you'll dump this azzhole pronto and make sure he is gone for good.
And get tested.
Who knows what he is up to and where and with who?
How exactly did you live each day worrying about whether or not he was texting/emailing with this girl?
You should have called off the wedding when you first found out. I know its hard and can be embarrasing, but it can't be worth it to be constantly wondering/worrying that he'd be talking to this girl again, which after 4 years you just found out that he was, and probably has been for the entire time you've been married.
Get out now, don't spend your entire life this way.
Missing Our July Sparkler
BFP#1-11/12/12, MMC 1/16/13-baby stopped growing @ 9wks, found out at 13wks, D&E 1/25/13
BFP#2-4/23/13 EDD-01/02/14 baby BOY born 12/31/13 Michael Cameron
Exactly. You have really really really low standards for what makes an amazing man. Incredibly low. Amazing men don't act like this. Amazing men wouldn't even think of doing this.
Listen, we all know why you stayed with him and deep down you know why you stayed with him and why you still tolerate this nonsense. It has nothing to do with him being an amazing man or your ability to forgive. It has everything to do with your low self esteem and low self worth. Now there is a cure for it and it is called gathering up your self respect and showing him the door.
Much easier to call of a wedding -- brides do it "every day" --- it's happening and you would not have been the only one or the first --- and eat the price of a reception, photographer, etc than to marry a cheating scum and live under a Sword of Damocles and walk on eggs, wondering every moment what kind of mess he is up to.
Was this worth it??? Not by one iota.
He is not a gentleman.
And she is NO lady.
This affair with her was going on for a long time, probably before you 2 even met. That's my impression.
In which case he never should have wasted your time and dated you, let alone marry you.
Fucck that shitt. Get out now. I skipped half of the whole post because you kept making excuses for him! Are you serious? You should have left after the first time, before your wedding. I can't believe you felt bad for being upset. HE CHEATED ON YOU. The end.
Get your finances in order, find a lawyer and get the fucck out.
Also, I'm pretty sure he could be dishonorably discharged for infedelity, or something like that (I think - someone correct me if I'm wrong).
You've heard what I've done, not what I've been through.
If you were in my shoes, you'd fall the first step."
What a nice routine, he cheats, you find out, you threaten to leave, he begs you to stay, you stay. Prepare to live like that the rest of your married life. He thinks it is a joke or at the least an empty threat you would leave him.
Since you are determined to find excuses and live with him I suggest you do have an exit plan and some money stashed. One day he isn't going to beg you to stay. He is going to act (which he has already so check yourself for stds) and you are going to kick your own arse for being a fool. Nice example you and he set for your children.
You also might want to check wikipedia for the definition of amazing. I'm betting it doesn't include a lying liar. btw he didn't pick you, he just can't have her.
He was in gobs of tears?
Oh how very sad for him.
He was crying because HE GOT CAUGHT!
And he has already called your bluff years ago. He called it after he got caught when you and he were only engaged. Like I said, that is when you should have said goodbye and called off the wedding.
And who knows?
One day he might decide he is going to come out and openly decide he wants her -- and he might leave YOU! Great... all of your problems will be over! It'll save you the trouble of "maybe" leaving him!
A million dollars says he is plowing this other woman. Get together whatever sense and self worth you have left --- for your sake and the kids' sake, leave this crumb.
Honestly? I don't think his affair with her ever ended. He just got better at hiding it.
I'm sorry.
And you have "trust issues"? Please. I guarantee you that with a decent guy in your life, said trust issues would disappear. He is the one in the wrong here, not you.
Leave.
It frightens me what concept of "amazing" there is, as per many many women on these boards.
There is somebody else a few posts down whose FI calls her horrible names, has slandered her verbally and electronically and the FI has a bad bad temper -- yet she looooves him. UGH. What is there TO LOVE?
This exactly. He already knows that if he begs for forgiveness that you will not leave and he can then go back to being a lying cheat, just more careful this time. You need to leave this dillhole.
Im pretty sure that having trust issues is a completely different problem then when you CAN NOT in fact, trust your spouse. And you can't. I hope you are able to see that soon. Don't let your boys grow up thinking this is how men can treat women.
It's very possible that he can lose his job over this hot mess that he is engaging in! Companies have all kinds of funky and stringent laws about what an associate can and cannot say to another associate. And ditto for what they can and cannot do when it comes to an associate.
What's here for you?
YOu cannot trust him and like I said, he's called your bluff.
So what you have is a lifetime of walking on eggs around this guy and wondering what he is really up to with other women.
Who the hell can live like this and wants to live like this???
He is a cheater and you are a complete moron.
You might leave?
get some self respect and grow up...you married a cheater...knowing he was a cheater...youve stayed with a cheater...and now you find out he is cheating AGAIN ang you might leave?
well now we all know why he can continue to cheat!
Sure -- because he's called your bluff and he knows he can walk all over you and get away with cheating. You're the perfect futon for him and doormat.
Ok, I am going to give you some advice as to what you should do NOW. Would've-should've- could've's aren't a big help at this point. Obviously you didn't call off the wedding so I don't I understand how criticizing what you didn't do would help now!
LEAVE THIS AZZHOLE ASAP! Get your finances in order, get a lawyer, take your kids, & go. He has zero respect for you and by making the decision to continue contact with this woman just proves has zero respect for your kids as well. I know how extremely hard this decision is but please take it from someone who spent 12 years trying to change a cheater....He will NEVER change.
Good luck!
So let me get this straight: you catch him having some sort of fling with a co-worker a month before the wedding, he apologizes swears "it'll never happen again" and you find ZERO evidence of an affair for 4 years. He's out of the house a whole 5 seconds and out of the blue, this chick texts him basically asking "Is it safe?" and he says "Yes".
Really? You REALLY believe that for 4 YEARS she was just waiting in the wings for him while he was acting like she was dead to him?
Honey, just because you weren't catching him, doesn't mean it wasn't happening. He MAYBE told her "We need to lie low for a few months just until this wedding business is taken care of", that much I might be willing to give him. But once you were all settled in as his wife and he was 100% sure you weren't going anywhere? All bets were off. He either got better about cleaning out his inboxes or he got a new email address and go-phone "just for her" (Which probably made her feel all kinds of special) and went on business as usual.
This woman's been married since before you came along. I hate to break it to you, but she's the one he really loves ... and if her husband dropped dead/walked out tomorrow, you'd be getting served with divorce papers the second they finished having "Now we can finally be together" sex. He's only "choosing" you because as long as her husband's in the pictures, he can't marry her anyway.
You can do so much better than this douchenozzle. I can only hope you wake up one day and realize that and either leave him, or at least not blame yourself when he leaves you.
I'm more than willing to start validating people's ideas when they start having ideas worth validating
Ramona: yes to everything else but meh on this one.
Because I think it is statistically proven that when men fool around, it is not a given that he marries the fool around-ee if she/he is free and single and unattached. When men have extramarital affairs, they automatically do NOT marry the person they're laying pipe with.
And wouldn't it be cute for the OP's slimy husband if the doorbell rang one night...and on the doorstep is the husband of this "lady" he is "friends" with. That should be some scene indeedy.
I agree, Tarpon, I don't really think he'd ACTUALLY end up marrying this chick if she got divorced... but I also think that since she's the "forbidden fruit", he's convinced that he's in love with her and they're just like Romeo and Juliet or something, and that what he has with this other woman is "special", blah, blah, blah, all the other crap that people say when they're having a long-term affair. And because of this, unless OP has some awesome life insurance or something, I really don't see him sticking around too long if the other woman's marriage winds up ending.
I'm more than willing to start validating people's ideas when they start having ideas worth validating
He'd drop her like the proverbial hot potato if Big Daddy took a walk on her --- because she's dirt to him and not good enough to marry, given her currently-marrried marital status.
This is how men see the person that they fool around with: dirt and not good enough to marry.
I don't see him sticking around too long at all if the other woman's marriage folded like a fan...but I do see him nursing a hell of a fat lip, a broken nose and 2 shiners and possibly something else that is broken or damaged if her H happens upon him in the H's travels.;)
This kills me, it really does:
Naturally, I took a look at those and what I saw literally made me throw up (this is exactly one month before our wedding).
Enough to make you throw up.
But not enough to cancel the wedding and send this jerkoff packing.
I can't figure out why these dumb bells know for a fact that their FI is off doing somebody else, yet they married the person anyway. Ever heard of a vow called "Forsaking all others"? Well, that's what he's done, and big time.
Why didn't the OP cancel the wedding?
Lots of reasons:
She'd be ever so embarrassed, it's all paid for, wants the big party and the big fancy gown, he's such a catch, she's doing it for security, because she looooooves him, it's the next thing to do on the Couples' Bucket List, he's just so awesome, this is only a friend and not somebody he's really sleeping with....
Which one is it, I wonder?
And I forgot the biggie:
Once we get married, this frienship will be over.
Anywho, if I ever brought up the situation, my husband would get extremely hurt and defensive and deny me from asking any questions, to help me understand why it ever happened. It's been a while since I've had a feeling to mention anything, so things have been great my husband IS an amazing person, we have two beautiful boys now and I love seeing my handsome husband's features in them.
And oh how she is making excuses for this guy --- like he's the one getting the bad end of the deal!
As i said, he is NOT amazing: he sucks.
And if this is your idea of great...boy have you got problems.
And psst....OP, you started balling?
Uh, wow...
That's "bawling."
I'll put the 2 in a sentence so you can see the difference between balling and bawling:
I started bawling because my wonderful husband is balling another woman. And has been since before the wedding.
Leave him. Plain and simple. You've got to be strong and think about what you are doing to yourself and your family.
I made the mistake of getting back with my ex the first time, I stuck with it for 4 years in all and tried to make us work, but I also had that lack of trust with him.. Then after being away on a business trip I came home early to surprise him. And what do I find? Underwear in our bed. That was my moment of clarity, I packed up my stuff, got my name off the lease and never looked back.
Now 3 and a half years later, I'm with the man of my dreams and we are getting married next year. He's sweet, caring, supportive, everything I could ever ask for. And most of all he is honest.
The messages clearly indicate that he has been talking to her this entire time behind your back. And just because you caught him with this one girl doesn't mean it is limited to this one girl. For whatever reason your husband is insecure enough that he needs the attention of other women for validation. It's not about you, it is about him. The begging and pleading and shaming didn't work last time.
Quite frankly, it wouldn't matter to me that he is practically perfect in every other way. You're not the perfect husband if you solicit attention from other women and risk making your wife feel horrible. Of course you deserve better than that but for some reason you don't truly believe you deserve better than this. In four years he has emotionally cheated twice, for a continued period of time. This is like saying "one day of the week my car doesn't start and I have to hitchhike to work but its an amazing car and perfect in every other way so I could never replace it even though I have the money to buy a new one." You realize how silly that sounds?
I know I'm a little late to this game, but I can tell you firsthand that the most important part of a military marriage is trust. With as often as you are apart, its going to CONSTANTLY be a test on both ends.
Get out now. You will never be able to trust him.