Trouble in Paradise
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Considering Separation Three Months After the Wedding (long)
My husband and I married just a few months ago but I am already contemplating divorce. We are seeing a counselor and I have support from family and friends who would want me to be happy no matter what. I'm trying to walk the fine line to give him a chance to change through the counseling but I'm also trying not to set myself up for disappointment because he's not yet understanding of how things need to change, so I don't have a lot of confidence in him at this point. He is trying to be sweeter to me, which does help, but we've been to counseling before (with a different therapist) without success in resolving our issues. I'm not saying I'm a perfect angel, but I do feel like more of the burden for change is on him.
To make a long story short, during our extended period of courtship and engagement it seemed that his family and I were able to get along, although we have different backgrounds and interests and were never going to be best friends. Even though things didn't always mesh, we tried to make nice gestures to each other. I attended some family functions, but not all, and that seemed to be okay as long as I was there when it was important like for Christmas, which I was. They tended to leave me out of conversations but I didn't take it personally. Differences arose during the period of courtship and engagement, but things always seemed to blow over within a few days and by the time the wedding date approached, I trusted that it was all in the past and a non-issue. However, they chose to confront my now-husband and make an issue out of it just days before the wedding, and then also acted hurtfully towards us on the wedding day, making the day even worse when it was already marred by bad weather and other factors. We had so much shock and anxiety over it that we didn't really enjoy our honeymoon.
If I felt secure in being married to a man I loved, I might feel differently, but my feelings towards my now-husband had started changing even before the wedding and I knew we were going to have work to do even before the additional complications caused by his family. He has difficulty compromising and I often felt like especially in the weeks just before the wedding, he forced things on me that I was not comfortable with instead of taking my feelings seriously and offering me compassion, to the point that I was even afraid to express my concerns for fear that he would be defensive and selfish and I would just be hurt worse. I was aware of his issues with his family, but he made strides during our courtship and engagement to attend counseling, move out of his parents' home, and allow his relationship with me to progress. But by his response to their behavior in connection with the wedding, I see now that he is still enmeshed in a dysfunctional relationship with his family and this is where he is in denial and doesn't see the need for change.
In the weeks after the wedding while I was still in shock, especially before I had the support of our therapist, I was ready to leave him. I am going to give it a while longer, and I know I will come out on top whether the marriage can be saved or whether I end up having no choice but to move on. I think he can learn to be better about acknowledging my feelings but I am not sure whether he's going to be able to set boundaries with his family where it will be clear that it will not be tolerated if they behave hurtfully. It's sad that it happened so soon after the wedding, but I've gotten to the point where I really don't care whether the marriage can be salvaged or not. But I definitely need all the support I can get and would love to hear comments from anyone who has been in a similar situation!
Whoever said it was supposed to be happily ever after is a big fat liar.
Re: Considering Separation Three Months After the Wedding (long)
For the fact that he and you are of 2 different cultures, it would have been best for you to have a very extended engagement.
I know the horse is way out of the barn; it wold have been an idea worth considering.
You and he need to see a marriage counselor that specializes in cultural issues.
Here is the deal:
No matter what culture he is from, he --- and his family ---needs to get it -- and with no arguments -- that you and he are now THE FAMILY, now that you and he are married.
That's a given: you marry, your spouse is your family: you and the spouse are a new family unit.
This means YOU come first, just as he comes first with you. Not parents, not siblings, not anybody else: your spouse comes first.
He also needs to get it that no matter what culture is involved, omitting somebody from a conversation is just rude, period.
His siblings and his parents and whoever else is at fault needs to get it, too: you do not omit somebody from a conversation. It is poor manners and poor showing: YOU are included in the conversation, if you are in the conversation. period.
When you saw this:
He has difficulty compromising and I often felt like especially in the weeks just before the wedding, he forced things on me that I was not comfortable with instead of taking my feelings seriously and offering me compassion, to the point that I was even afraid to express my concerns for fear that he would be defensive and selfish and I would just be hurt worse
He needs to have your back. None of this "he gets defensive" bullshit.
You should have called a time out and put the wedding off until this issue was resolved and resolved to your satisfaction. And if it could NOT be resolved, end the relationship and move on.
As I said, you and he need a counselor that specializes in cultural issues. Culture is very very difficult to transcend. As you can see, what is normal for one culture is not standard for another and herein is where the difference lies.
This will take time and trouble to work on. I'd say give it a good year. And if by then things aren't improving to your satisfaction and happiness, you decide where to go from there.
Sit down and spell all of this out for your H. And do so on a day and time when the both of you have a good chunk of time to talk and when there will be no interruptions. Make sure he gets it that if he doesn't get on the ball, this marriage is over. GL.
THIS.
I'd say this is really on you since you decided to turn a blind eye to who this man was before you married him, but now you seeing the blaring red flags that you tried to ignore before.
I'd really think about what you want here. This man is probably not going to change.