Emotional abuse?

Nickie431

Can anyone recommend some reading material on emotional abuse?  My parents are insistent that I'm experiencing this, and I'm struggling with determining whether or not this is the case.  I was even a psych major and know that emotional abuse is harder to identify than other forms, because it's a pattern more than a specific incident.  I haven't found much online, and I'm hesitant to bring any books into the house lest my husband come across them.  I feel silly contacting our local domestic violence organization, because he's not assaulting me.  I don't really know where to go for more information.  Thank you so much.

anhg80

I don't have any good resources (although I know a few people on here probably will), but I would encourage you to contact a DV hotline.  You can tell someone exactly what you're experiencing and they can tell you whether or not it sounds like emotional abuse.  So long as you're able to be honest about your experience, this might be the easiest way to help you clarify what's going on.

On the other hand, if you have to ask if you're experiencing abuse, in my experience it usually means that your relationship is really unhealthy at best.  If what you're experiencing doesn't constitute emotional abuse... does that mean you're happy?  Or does that mean you're still in a bad relationship that needs a lot of work? 

mostlygrateful

If you're wondering if it's happening, it probably is. A good counselor could not only answer your questions, but help put a stop to it, or help you get out.

TarponMonoxide

Nobody at all has a right to:
Call you horrible names
Belittle you
Make fun of you or your appearance or say horrible things about how you look, your education level or anything else, for that matter.

And that's to name a few.

In short, anything that is said that shows no respect for you is out of the question.

sweetredhead

I think one of the best ways to judge for yourself is to ask yourself "If my daughter's husband said and did the things my husband does to me, would I be angry with it?"

 

Signs of Emotional Abuse - Warner

 

ETA: See if any of the community centers are offering Seeking Safety groups.  It's a trauma program that helps women and men who are survivors of trauma.  

VeeLynn

I was in an emotionally / verbally abusive relationship (never married him, thankfully) for over three years, and I didn't realize that what was going on was abuse until the third year.  I did a lot of my discovering online, actually.  At first I thought, "No... this isn't me.  This info is no good.  No no no."  But the more I read, the more it hit me.  I cried for hours... finding out you've been a victim is never easy.  Naturally, when I broached the subject, he flipped-out and told me I was the abusive one and so on and so forth. (I was very young - still in college - and probably didn't go about this the right way.)

Whether you're being abused or not, obviously people in your life are sensing that something is wrong, and generally, the people on the outside tend to have a better view of these sorts of things.  Don't feel silly contacting a therapist or DV organization... you ultimately may be glad that you did.  My thoughts are with you, Nickie, and please don't hesitate to contact me on here.

kellbell1919

It can look like a lot of things.  Things I normally see:

1) Making you sacrifice things really important to you.  This can be limiting time with friends, relationships with family, hobbies, etc. without any real reason other than he doesn't like it, or you need more time for him.

2) Making you question yourself.  This can be personality characteristics, physical appearance.

3) The term "walking on eggshells" is really common.  You keep quiet about things that really bother you because you don't want him to explode.  You feel like you have to do certain things a certain way or he will go off.  You're overly vigilant of his moods and scared of his bad moods, which are frequent.

4) controlling behaviors like monitoring your phone, telling you how to wear your hair.

Signs are yelling and screaming, calling you names, insulting you, using phrases like "** you" "go ** yourself", telling you you aren't good enough, etc.

Lets face it though, if someone it doing things that make you question whether or not its emotional abuse, the way they're behaving is probably bad enough that it doesn't matter whether or not its technically abusive its bad enough that you shouldn't be with them.

Tofumonkey

I'm sorry, I can't hold it in any longer. If you are a psychology major and you don't know either how to identify or how to find resources on emotional abuse you kind of went to the psychology school of fail.

However, I think that you should listen to your parents, they must be saying this for a reason. Whether or not you can diagnose this as emotional abuse isn't necessarily relevent, is it? Are you happy in your marriage? What are your parent's reasons for feeling this way?

SpanishMandi

Do you have an ereader (kindle, nook, etc)?  If not, perhaps you can download an e-reading app onto your computer and order resources there.  Or hell, go hang out at your local book store and do some reading and take a few notes.  

 I'm also going to point you here: http://www.thehotline.org/ (domestic abuse hotline; I do not know how to make it clicky on a mac).

 Honestly, if you're afraid of even bringing materials in to figure out whether you're being abused, chances are you're being abused.

 I have to disagree with TofuMonkey on your psych training.  It's one thing to know objectively how to handle abuse.  It's an entirely different thing to be abused yourself and recognize it.  I was well acquainted with abuse signs, resources, and the like.  It did not stop me from being abused for years myself before I finally figured out that what was happening to me was in fact, abuse.