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Dealing with a hostile boss while job hunting (long, sorry)
Hi ladies,
I am currently in the midst of a pretty intensive job search, submitting multiple applications each week. In the mean time, I need to keep my current job.
The issue is, I am having a hard time communicating with, or even interacting with, my boss. I have found it increasingly difficult to even pass a "good morning" or make eye contact with her. She's a bully, and I hate feeling degraded and humiliated when I know I deserve better.
I work 9-5 at an office, and I have addressed my issues with my boss, at least once a month for the past year, and have been to HR about her several times, but they are not prepared to do anything because I work for a relatively small company with HR staff that doesn't like to interfere.
She doesn't actually work during the work week, though. She puts in 5 hour days, and most of those are spent on the internet shopping or reading gossip columns, or gossiping with coworkers. Meanwhile, I put in 9 hour days and get the bulk of the work in the department done.
She is about 10 years older than I, and doesn't really have much going on in her life, so she essentially hired me because she thought we could be friends. (At the time of hiring I thought it was because of my master's degree and work experience). She lives with her mother, and literally never goes out at all, with friends or anyone. Ask her how she spends her weekend, it's either been spent doing work or laundry.
She continually tries to tagalong on my private, weekend plans, asking me what I am doing and if she can come too, and gets increasingly cruel toward me at work when I don't let her know my plans. I try not to discuss my personal life at work at all anymore. She was really mad she wasn't invited to my wedding, even though she knew I was paying for it myself and keeping it small. My promotion and raise that I was guaranteed by a specific date was delayed indefinitely following her confronting me about not being invited.
Recently, she has started to harrass me about my appearance. I don't wear makeup she she told me I need to start because it's just what professionals do, and even pulled samples out for me, which is funny because she didn't even realize I wasn't wearing make-up for the first few months I was her employee since I lucked out with great skin and well defined features. She, meanwhile, doesn't comb her hair, and wears shirts too short that don't cover her stomach or skirts that hit mid-thigh, and frequently wears clothing with massive food stains or holes, but I'm the one who looks unprofessional.
She openly mocks and analyzes what I eat. I have lost 50 pounds since October through an exercise and nutrition plan developed with the help of my primary care physician, and she is severely obese (she will open and consume an entire family size package of cookies during a one hour meeting, so she has food issues) and she has decided to to watch what I eat like a hawk. If I eat a snack she thinks is junk food she tells everyone in the office about it. She has spread rumours that I lost the weight through pills, surgery, anorexia, etc.
She mocks me for not being able to afford designer handbags and accessories like she can, calling me into her office for the sole purpose of looking at her new purchages and telling me I have to tell her it's cute, great, the best, etc.
She criticizes me in front of people for doing work she told me to do, undermines my authority at meetings and on projects I am supposed to run, and yells at me in front of people, etc. Generally, she is making me feel unwelcome and uncomfortable in my own work environment. She has cut me out of important projects I helped conceptualize, and then gets mad at me when I'm not up to date on them. She is essentially sabotaging me.
Obviously, I need to get out, and as I mentioned, I am working on that like it's a second job, and I have tried to make my work situation better here through the usual steps of talking with my boss and talking with HR.
So, what I would love is if anyone has any mantras I can say or strategies I can use to help stop taking things my boss says personally, stop reacting to them negatively (since really, that's what she wants and is just playing into her). How can I separate myself from what's happening with her, and make it through the day without turning hostile myself?
Re: Dealing with a hostile boss while job hunting (long, sorry)
Ok, she is definitely an odd ball. It's so hard knowing that you went directly to her, and when to HR and it is doing no good. I'm in the same boat, looking for a new job while still having to keep this one that is not a good environment for me (although you sound like you have it worse than I do).
As far as your own work goes, just keep doing the best that you can, and take note of how awesome you are so that you can put it all on your resume and use it in your interviews!
Like you said it sounds like she really has some issues, and probably needs some professional help. She's seems insecure, unfulfilled and unhappy. You on the other hand seem to "have it all" a marriage, friends, education, an amazing weight loss accomplishment etc. so she may be a little envious. While working for her must be incredibly frustrating and stressful, it might help to keep that in mind. It definitely does not justify the way she is treating, but trying to "walk in her shoes" might make it a little more bearable for the time that you are there. Just remember that it really isn't you. You are doing everything you can, and have tried to be supportive, but she isn't making it easy.
Thanks for the encouragement - it's just a daily frustration. I think the hardest thing is not letting all of her little snipes and barbs snowball, and trying to start each day fresh.
I mean, the things she belittles me about in front of people are absurd. And the things she wants me to do with her, such as stay late at work so that during the day I can go with her to see the new Twilight movie? I have never read nor seen any of the Twilight franchise, so I don't think it makes sense for me to come in at the end, but especially not if I then have to work late. She also made fun of me in front of people for not being"cool like her" and on board the Twilight bandwagon, and the same with Glee, Rock of Ages, and other pop culture stuff. Oh, and she was particularly nasty when I continued working on the day of the British royal wedding rather than watching TV all day - I had a lot of work to do and I just didn't see the importance of sitting in a conference room with her to watch TV just to work late to finish my projects by their deadlines.
I just feel like I can't be myself at all and have to constantly be on guard. Bah!
I think it's just been a little rougher today because this morning I got a rejection email from a company I applied for stating that I was qualified, but not being advanced in the interview process. I just wish there was an end date for this, so I could count down toward the light at the end of the tunnel, but who knows, in this economy it could be a year before I find a new job!
It does sound like she has a lot of issues so keep that in mind. Even so it is very unprofessional of her to do these things. It seems a bit like psychological harassment but not exactly. Start documenting (create a log) of every incident (what she says and does). Even document when you talk to her and HR again (you need to) and what happened after the talks. I am not sure what action you could take but if it is document you do have power. Maybe get a consolation with an attorney and see what they have to say.
If a prospective employer wants to hire you and talks to her what would she say? It doesn't sound like she would give you a glowing review.