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How much porn is acceptable in a marriage?
I know there is a community about Sex & Romance but I really need some advice from married people. I've been with my DH for over six year. We've been married for 3 years. In the beginning of our courtship, we had a lot of sex and it was great because it was new and exciting. We had butterflies in our stomach when we saw each other and were smitten - on cloud 9. Then as we got more serious, our sex life decreased. I knew from the beginning that he would watch porn to relieve himself sometimes. I know they say, almost ALL guys watch porn and relieve themselves and that it is normal. I, for one, do not watch porn and it does bother me that my DH does. But, at the same time, I don't have the same stamina as him, so as long as he doesn't do it in front of me or talk about it, then I let it go.
Now to the problem... His porn watching has significantly increase to the point where it is really bothering me. I mean, how much porn is acceptable and when is it not? It has gotten to the point where I've talked to him about it because he never initiate sex anymore and isn't all that affectionate. He is more affectionate to our dog then me. Nowadays, I am always the one to initiate it (and he wasn't like this when we were dating). And when i have brought this up, he said he would try but he hasn't. I really would like to hear from married people, if you run into this problem with your spouse. It has gotten to the point where he does it every night. I am at the point where i dont know if I am mad, hurt, or just about to give up - especially now that we are in talks of having a baby. I don't know if I want to be in a marriage like this - it really scares me.
Any advice? Thanks in advance.
Re: How much porn is acceptable in a marriage?
Sorry you guys are going through a tough time but most couples have slow intimacy periods at some point or another.
Does he watch specific porn to fulfill a fantasy or something?
Maybe you should have a talk or try to spice things up a little in the bedroom. If you surprised him one night with new lingerie or jump him at the door when he gets home from work, it could boost him out of his stupor.
Sometimes a little change from your normal routine is all you really need. Maybe book one night in a local hotel and make it seem like a getaway of sorts. You'd be surprised how much a change of location can do for you.
Good luck!
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What does he have to say when you talk to him about this?
I can't say I agree with this as it sounds like you are blaming OP for her husband watching porn to the point where she questions the marriage.
It's great to spice things up or to try new things but he needs to try as well. Talk to your husband and let him know how serious this has become to you. If you are not comfortable with the amount of porn he watches and the fact that he doesn't seem as "into you" as before then sit down with him and tell him straight out.
I think the amount of porn in a relationship varies. There isn't a standard "acceptable" amount. It's really whatever works for the couple.
I'm no expert, but I can't help but wonder if there is some correlation between the amount of porn he watches and your waning sex life. Perhaps he has become desensitized, or the pornography is more exciting... who really knows except him. Either way, I would definitely have a sit down conversation with him. Communicate how it makes you feel BUT also ask him the right questions and listen to what he has to say about it. i.e. Are you still sexually attracted to me? Are you currently satisfied with our sex life? If not, please explain why. Is pornography more exciting than the thought of sex with me? Is there anything I can do to help this matter? Are you really willing to work on this with me so we both feel more mutually satisfied with our sex life?
Someone else mentioned determining what kind of porn he is watching to see if you can work that into your sex life... I agree. Of course, that's only if it's something you are comfortable with. If it's a no-no, then no big deal. But you both need to find what works for both of you so you are mutually satisfied in this aspect of your relationship. Good luck.
I do try and spice things up but again, I am the one who has to initiate. And I have discussed with him how it bothers me. I guess iw ill need to talk to him again. But thank you for reply. I appreciate it.
I guess it is an issue now - since it is becoming a problem where I don't know if it is normal and need to ask if other people go through this or have any advice because me talking to him about it hasn't worked.
thank you for replying back to me. have a great day.
This. It is not a part of our marriage and we have a healthy sex life. But I would not have tolerated it from the beginning and would not date a guy who was into it. PLEASE understand that not EVERY man watches porn. There are plenty of great guys who survive normally without it. If you don't like it, whatever you do, don't "just deal with it". You are 50% of this relationship and deserve his attention. I would def talk to him about whether there is anything he wants to try with you or fantasizes (sp) about. It's all about communication. Hang in there girl!
I agree with all of this exactly.
There are some women who will tell you that any amount of porn is acceptable and that you should just lighten up.
There are some women who will tell you that no amount of porn is acceptable and that you should make your husband stop.
I don't think that either of these opinions are helpful. It really depends on the couple. Some people will never be comfortable with any amount (for religious or moral reasons) and maybe that works well for them. In my experience, my husband can watch a more-than-average amount from time to time, but as long as we are open and honest about it, he isn't hiding his usage from me and we don't feel like its indicative of any deeper problems with intimacy between us then it can work out just fine.
However, sometimes it IS a sign of deeper intimacy issues and that's when you need to talk about it and resolve what is at its core. Also, even if it isn't a sign of deeper issues but it STILL makes you uncomfortable, then its still worth talking about because I believe it's really important to be on the same page about these things.
I would recommend bringing it up with your husband, asking about his feelings towards porn and why he turns to it with whatever frequency it does. Try to take the opportunity to really try to be open and understand what he's saying, since he'll have no incentive to really open up if he feels like it's going to become a fight. Similarly, he should be willing to listen to what you have to say about why it makes you feel uncomfortable without brushing you off. It should be about really communicating and understanding each other's feelings about the issue.
If this is difficult to do on your own, then counseling could be an awesome option.
My DH used to watch porn. I told him from the very beginning that I felt very uncomfortable with it and asked him not to.
He stopped.
He would on the other hand, love it if I made a movie of myself for him, for when Im not around ( or in the mood ). He also has some fantasies too, and eventually I'll get the outfit for it.
Talk to him. Tell him that you dont want him to watch porn anymore. Tell him how it makes you feel.
But...also ask him if there is anything that you could do that he really wishes you do. Go to a sex shop together or shop online, depending on your comfort levels. Find something new and exciting to try together. You may hate it. So then try something else. Maybe games, or sensual massage.
Be honest with eachother. If you need there is no shame in counseling either.
Well, it's sad to hear that your sex life has decreased. I think you need to start setting dates for when you have sex.
Tell your husband, "Hey, I've found that we haven't been intimate in a while. I think we should rekindle the romance. Let's set a date to have sex."
Keep doing that. I don't really think that porn is the problem.
We actually touched on this subject at church and it was pretty interesting. Apparently there was a study done at a big university where they analyzed the effect porn has on the brain. Long story short it actually changes your thought process of sex. It corrupts your mind and de-sensitizes you to what sex is supposed to be like. Its actually a good topic to google.
If you want go by the bible...eliminate the porn and get creative in the bedroom.
You should probably make a promise to each other that that person is enough for you and take the steps necessary to spice up your sex life. I am a nurse and take care of ALOT of elderly and Ive actually heard from a lot of woman who have been happily married for 50+ years that one of the secrets to a happy marriage is keep your body secret. This one shocked me. Hmmmm....I should definately stop walking around, making coffee, and sleeping naked. When he see's me naked....it should stimulate some arrousal
I personally think that almost EVERY man watches porn, and women who think their guy doesn't are delusional, however I can see how thinking that may ease some concern. My husband watches porn, but he has never done it with me in the house. I didn't even know he did until I asked him casually. After talking about it, we agreed that before either one of us relieves ourselves, we HAVE to proposition each other first. This has worked really well and we rarely ever take that "personal time" because we get it from each other instead. That said, because of that agreement, I will never turn him down unless one of us is sick or injured, and I must say that takes work!! If he says no to that, than perhaps he's not into the kind of sex you're having?
Learning what kind of porn my husband watches was very educational for me; I got to know what he likes and really turns him on. Have you ever tried watching it with him and maybe participating without judgment? I tried this, and we watched for maybe 1 minute before we were completely into each other. It worked, however I wouldn't make porn a part of our relationship, I just wanted to know what it was like. I think it was really good for him to see that I am open to him and his sexual needs.
It's possible that men watch porn as a means of relaxation and escape. When I think about it, it's a no-pressure environment for my husband to fulfill whatever sexual desire he has, without having to please me too. So, I've decided to give him alone time whenever he needs it (not always sexually) and create a fun, no-pressure environment in the bedroom. I don't want him to feel the need to escape elsewhere, I want him to escape with me, but I realize he will never completely stop watching it because it is so easy for him, and I am okay with that. The last thing you want is for your intimacy to become stale in your marriage and both parties should do whatever it takes to make sure there is sexual satisfaction on BOTH ends.You need to figure yourselves out before you start a family!
Sorry for the novel! I just feel like I can relate
I hear you! I guess what I was trying to say is that instead of saying "my husband stopped when I asked him to" or "my man doesn't do that", I think it would be wise to open up the discussion about sexuality instead of block it off. I don't think its sad to believe that most men watch porn because I honestly think its true and I don't mean that they all watch crazy XXX porn or something, more that they look at images whether printed or on video to get their rocks off! I have no qualms with my husband watching porn occasionally and I just don't want it to be a part of our sexual relationship because I'd rather do other things lol! It doesn't mean that I wouldn't watch it if he asked me to! But I definitely agree that open communication is a must and would probably ease a lot of the fears that people may have. The reason I said "delusional" is because I know a lot of women turn the other cheek and simply don't believe it because they don't want to address it and would rather believe it isn't going on. I also know men who watch porn on their phones and such so that their ladies don't find it. I think that is a shame and it shouldn't be so stigmatized. Of course there is more to it like you said, and perhaps it wasn't the correct word choice, I just find it irritating when people are completely opposed to something they haven't tried to understand. But the OP wasn't necessarily about this, and I would also be concerned if I were in her situation. Everyone has different degrees of sexuality which is why I aired so much of my personal experience in an attempt to help!
I had the exact same problem you are having now. My fiance and I broke up over it a couple times (we resolved our issues).
He wanted nothing to do with me, ever. He watched porn day and night, in front of me and away from me. It got more and more graphic as time went on. I told him over and over again how it made me feel; worthless, ugly, disgusting, etc. He finally realized how much he was hurting me after we split up. The way I see it, if you are in a long term relationship with someone, porn shouldn't ever be a part of it. If I'm with someone, I need to be enough for them. If I'm not, and they want to look at other naked women, they can do it as a single man and I can stop wasting my time feeling like a piece of sh*t. If you have a lower sex drive, perhaps take naughty pictures or videos of the two of you or just you for him to look at. That way, he can look at erotic pictures and take care of himself, and you can feel better because it's you he's looking at, and you who's turning him on. I hope some of this is helpful. Oh, and be honest with him about how it makes you feel. It took me a while to get through to my man, hopefully yours is willing to listen and cares how you feel.
My husband and I have been together 11 years. Married 6. He never watched porn until he got his smartphone and lets just say... one porn website is his home page. lol. It doesn't bother me. I would suggest talking to him about how you feel and see if he will cut back. Asking him to give it up completely I don't think will happen. I know with my husband if I ever asked him to give up something and he really didn't want to . He sneaks anyways. I don't know how you feel about this.. but what about watching it with him? It might make him see you in a different light and could really spice it up and help you better communicate both of your wants and needs during sex.