Relationships
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Need Help don't know what to do
my husband and I have been married for almost three years. We have been together for ten. Our entire relationship has been up and down but we have always overcome whatever was put in our way. Including being away from each other for 4 years. However I am at a point in our relationship where I don't know what to do anymore. My husband is a very hard headed and stubborn, (as am I) but the problem is he has becoming more and more angry towards me. I feel like anything can set him off and then we are in a heated argument over the dishes, or something stupid like that. I know all couples fight over stupid things but it's gotten to the point where he is mean to me and yells and calls me names and just says the most hurtful things. I have talked to him about it after we have both calmed down and he always apologizes. He says that he say's these things out of anger and doesn't really mean any of them. It is just getting harder and harder to let it go which is making me really resent him and we have talked about starting a family but I really don't want to bring a baby into the way this relationship is right now. It got so bad a few months ago I was contemplating leaving but we talked and he seemed to be doing better. Now I just don't know what to do. Any advice would be helpful. I am not at all perfect and I know that some of our fights is all my doing. There are many things that I need to work on as well and am trying to. This is just something I can't seem to fix and I don't know how much of this can take.
Re: Need Help don't know what to do
Sounds like there is a lot of unresolved issues that have been brushed under the rug until something small blows it out of place.
Hi dear,
Sorry I wish if I could help but, the things is: I have the same exact situation as you do. I was shocked when I read I your story, its like Im the one who is saying it. I stopped thinking of having kids this moment, bringing a baby to this, it will be very hard specially if we did not work on our problems first,
sorry again wish u luck
Well, apologizing doesn't mean diddly-squat when the person repeats the behavior over and over.
Honestly- i'd demand he go to counseling. He needs to work on his anger issues. If he refuses, then I'd strongly contemplate leaving. He HAS to be willing to make a REAL effort to change. Not apologize, keep himself in check for awhile, then explode again.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
If this behavior is fairly recent, it could have a medical or physical basis.
This is why I advocate a full medical checkup.
Thyroid problems can indeed alter moods -- you can get crabby as hell, touchy, forgetful and yep, argumentive, divisive, confrontational and angry.
He needs to see a doc and let a doc rule out thyroid, hormonal and other endocrine-based problems, like diabetes.
These problems are fixable, if he has them. That's the good news.
Counseling for the both of you, extrinsic of his checkup, is merited. Communicating a bit better will help loads; you also need to stand up for yourself and he has no business addressing you like you're a nobody. That's got to stop now.
Checkup for him; joint counseling for you both and he needs anger management, if it turns out that the causes for his anger aren't medical. GL.
If his outbursts are a pattern, that means there's an unresolved problem. That's what I would focus on with him, rather than focusing on his most recent apology for his most recent outburst.
"I've noticed that this is a pattern with you getting very angry with me, having an outburst, and then apologizing. I appreciate the apology, but I'm not willing to live in a pattern where you could go off at any minute. This has gone on for quite a while, and it's affecting me and our relationship to the point where I am no longer comfortable thinking about having children with you. I need you to go farther than an apology with me- I need you to solve this problem and figure out what it is you need to do to be able to control your temper."
I agree with the suggestion for a medical workup. Also- are there other stressful situations in his life (workplace, family, etc.) that he needs to learn how to deal with so he's not taking it out on you? I also agree with the idea of counseling- it's important to work through the damage that this pattern has caused and work on building a healthier pattern. I hope things work out for you.
Why would someone even say something like that as advice? You have absolutely no idea what her religous beliefs are so to tell her to get in to a BIBLE based church to help solve her marital problems is over stepping boundaries and just be being downright rude to me. Since you are obviously religous would you feel okay if I, an atheist, said to you that you need to get in to an atheist based group to help your marriage?
OP my soon to be EXH did that to me to and ultimately I realized that what he was doing was emotional abuse. since he said things like to me so much then said oh Im sorry I dont mean it, I am just mad, it became harder and harder to figure out what he REALLY thought and which one was the truth. After years of it my self confidence started to really go down the drain. Unfortunately we did bring children in to the marriage and it got to the point where he would even tell me I was wiping my kids butts wrong and bfing them wrong!!! Seriously. With his tits I am sure he knew exactly how to BF right. Do what is right for you but it sounds like you are hurting pretty bad at this point.My Ex is going to anger mngt now, he says, and he says it is helping him.
You have a right to be wrong. You see the difference b/w me and you is that I am in a happy, healthy, and completely fullfilling relationship with the man of my dreams and you are divorced with two kids. Good luck with your aethiest based support system!