Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Need advice..... (kinda long, sorry)
ok, i'll give you a little back story first....
H is 16 years older than me. i'm 25, he's 41. He has 5 children. They are 20, 19, 15, 12, and 11. I have only met one of them, the oldest. (H has a terrible situation going with the 2 ex's that these children are with, so the older ones are the only ones i have a chance of knowing right now) anyways, the oldest is a girl, let's call her J.
For about a year now, H and J have kind of started to re-kindle their relationship, and it's been slow, but really good. H told her about me, and my son, and she was cool with it from the get-go. i was ecstatic. H was soooooooo happy to get to see her and talk to her again. i held back, though, because i didn't want to be all in her face and pushy and all that. i'm only 5 years older than her, and i'll technically be her step-mom... kinda weird, but you can't help who ya fall in love with 
anyways, she started talking to H quite a bit, and had told him about how her current bf had a motorcycle, and they like to go riding. well, she didn't really have any riding gear (just a helmet, nothing else) and i happened to have a riding jacket that i didn't need anymore. so, H suggested that she come down (we live about 30 min away from her out in the country kinda) and if she likes the jacket, she can have it, and that way she can meet me and my son. she was cool with it, so we met, and it was kinda awkward, but it went well.
then, H wanted her to come down as often as possible. and she's been down a couple times since, and my son LOVES her, and we talk/text regularly.... but once, she brought her BF. it went BADLY. he was SOOOOO disrespectful to her the entire time they were at our home it was rediculous. i thought H was gonna blow a gasket. and i could tell that H wanted to just pinch his annoying little head off, so he kinda started distancing himself from him so he wouldn't do so. i mean, even though they had been distant in the past, J is still his first born little girl, and H is very protective of her.
after the fact, J told me that she dumped the bf, told him that night they came down that we obviously didn't like him, and she was tired of his bs... GOOD FOR HER! i was so happy for her.... i knew exactly the kind of guy that he was, and i was so glad she got out of that situation. well, i guess he's been blowing up her phone, promising to change, and all that jazz.... well, she took him back. 
and she's been putting H off and being real short with him. i HATE it!!! i want to tell her so badly to ditch him, and that she's breaking her dad's heart, but i don't want her to hate me and take the chance of her completely blowing H off again.
AND, last night, i was bored, so i was checking my facebook, and i'm friends with J on there, and there was a pic she had posted of her LEFT hand with a new set of beautiful nails (she is a cosmetology student) with a VERY VERY large ring on a very important finger. and the caption said "nail enhancements, and my anniversary gift" i almost fell off the couch! my facebook was being dumb and i couldn't comment on the pic, so i texted her... asking her what anniversary it was, she said one year with her bf.... again, i almost fell off the couch! i didn't say anything to H about it at that point. then i told her it was very pretty, but i was confused because i thought they had broken up. she said they were back together. i told her that he was gonna really have to try hard to win her dad back over, and that he misses her alot. she said "hes trying hard for me and that's enough. sorry i've been busy and it's not my fault you guys live far away" at this point i was so upset!! she's starting to get snippy with me! i basically started to end the conversation at this point, told her i was glad he was trying for her and that she was happy, and not to be a stranger. and that i know it's hard to juggle school and work and life and family.
i just am so torn! i still haven't said anything to H because i know it will devastate him. and, i don't know if he will be upset with me for saying anything to her. idk what to do. i don't want to tell him, but i feel like he should know. i really think SHE should tell him that they are back together and that the bf is trying to change his ways. even though i know he will look right through that....
so, i need advice girls.... what do i do? do i tell him? do i not tell him and then when he finds out is he gonna be mad at me for keeping it from him? i don't want her to think that i'm being an "evil step mom" because i don't think of myself as her step mom, i just want to be her friend. i mean, i barely know her! should i just forget all this happened? idk what to do... sorry so long, i really needed to get this off my chest..............TIA girls....
Re: Need advice..... (kinda long, sorry)
Does your H have FB, and if so are they FB friends? Maybe he already knows...?
If he's not on FB, I'd mention it to your H, but in a "I saw something on FB, I think J and BF are back together" way. This way you aren't "tattling" on her but making him aware of the possibity that they are back together.
If you can talk to your H, and even if he's upset/angry, maybe see if he's willing to give the BF another chance....maybe meet up with them for dinner or something so you can both see if there are any changes.
Either way, it sucks because neither of you can do anything about who she dates, but hopefully he truly is going to make some changes, but he's going to have to prove that to your H.
Missing Our July Sparkler
BFP#1-11/12/12, MMC 1/16/13-baby stopped growing @ 9wks, found out at 13wks, D&E 1/25/13
BFP#2-4/23/13 EDD-01/02/14 baby BOY born 12/31/13 Michael Cameron
no, he doesn't have fb... thinks it is the root of all evil. lol...
i think he has a hunch they are hanging out again... he texted her monday i think it was and asked what she was doin and she said "looking at trucks with BF" and he was like oh great..... now this D-Bag is back in the picture....
i'm really hoping he will open his mind to all of this, and i'm trying to convince him that maybe it's just a trial period, and to be supportive of J, not just judge the BF.... he's just so stubborn! haha....
Wow, that's a tough situation. Honestly, I would avoid mentioning it at all to your H. I know you guys are married now and keeping secrets is hard, but it sounds like you and your step daughter have a shaky relationship as it is and your step daughter finding out you told your H could really sour what you have worked to build with her quickly. If your step daughter wants your H to know, she will tell him (and it sounds like she has, by her text to him). Even if you tell your husband that she is back together with her ex & put it in a positive light, he is probably still going to be pissed and bring it up in a negative light when he talks to his daughter - which would make it sound like you were talking negatively about it in the first place (even if this wasn't the case!) - giving her a chance to come back at you.
I'd stay out of it as much as reasonably possible. Support your step daughter, maybe he really IS trying to change. Support your H but at the same time remind him that his daughter is a grown woman and who can date who she wants. IMO, I never cross that line to criticize a relationship of a friend/family member, except in several situations - 1) they ask my true opinion, 2) there is physical and/or emotional abuse going on, and 3) the person is into drugs or any other type of bad illegal behavior
Good luck!
I tend to agree with this. I have lost a couple really good friends by showing concern about thier relationships...not a line worth crossing anymore. Let your H and his daughter have thier own father daughter relationship, telling eachother as much or as little as they want in regards to this situation. Its hard, but putting yourself in the middleman place is risky and makes it hard to not look like you are taking sides.
My Blog:Through My Eyes
Some people just need to make the mistake themselves, they can't learn from your mistakes and the lesson you personally have already learned! I have 2 close friends in terrible relationships, but I bite my tongue every time how I truly feel wants to come up like word vomit because I know it isn't going to do a damn thing but make them pissed off at me.
I agree with PP.
I've learned to really choose my battles carefully. Some things are just worth biting your tongue. Unless he's abusive or into hardcore drugs, I think this is one of them.
Even though this guy is obviously not right for your DIL you have to just "play nice" otherwise if you share your true feelings you may push her away. Even when they break up there is a chance she may go back to him.
Honestly I would tell your DH 100% what is going on, it wouldn't seem right keeping a secret from him especially about his own daughter, how would he feel if he found out you knew?