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inlaw advice
My husband and I have been married for over 6 months, been together for 4 years and have lived together for 3. His friends and family do not treat us well, me especially. They have verbally attacked me, criticized me and left me stranded! My husband always defends them or says I am over reacting, gets angry with me, blows up and walks out. Then he?ll want nothing to do with me for a few days. After he calms down we?ll discuss it and he?ll make suggestions on what to do in the future. These are his suggestions and offers! I let him decided how he wants to interact with his family since this is already a lose - lose situation for me. And I have already been accused of keeping him from his family.
Now to the present. His brother is getting married in September 2012 and has just recently asked my husband to be in the wedding. My husband has told me for the last 15 months we are not going to the wedding and said awful things about his family. I asked him not to say those things and to think about what he is saying. He would continue to tell me we were not attending and bash them. Now for the past 2 months he is going back and forth about if we?re attending. I told him to make a decision so I can make plans appropriately on how to interact with family and what our game plan will be. I have told him I feel a lot of anxiety over this. He blew up on me again and walked out.
I feel like this situation is getting out of control. And I am questioning his sense of good judgment. I feel like I can?t trust him because he has led me on. This isn?t the first time he has told me the opposite of his intentions so I agree and then when I am in the situation his family will attack me and he will betray my trust and sit there with them while I leave crying.
I don?t want to come in between him and has family but don?t know what to do. Our pastor and counselor have told us to always interact with as couple with his family to send a clear message that they cannot divide us, so I feel like him going by himself is not an option. If he did go by himself and I didn?t go that isn?t a good message either. If we don?t attend I will awful for missing his brother?s wedding but at the same time I am very concerned about my well being at this wedding which is in another state. If they are mean to me I feel I am all by myself and my husband?s past experience shows he?ll abandon me too.
Re: inlaw advice
I noticed that you said that your pastor and counselor want you to show them that his family cannot divide you, so I can assume that you are already seeing a marriage counselor about this. The problem doesn't seem to just be the family trying to divide you, it's also that your husband is letting them. I'm disturbed by the fact that your husband sits back and lets them attack you and then continues to visit with them after you leave from being so incredibly hurt!! This is not a healthy relationship! If I were in your situation I would be out of there.
This is bad news:
My husband and I have been married for over 6 months, been together for 4 years and have lived together for 3. His friends and family do not treat us well, me especially. They have verbally attacked me, criticized me and left me stranded! My husband always defends them or says I am over reacting, gets angry with me, blows up and walks out. Then he?ll want nothing to do with me for a few days.
Any religious cleric will tell you that your H's place is WITH YOU -- and that your H has cheerfully broken the vow "forsaking all others." He's sure forsaken you and big time.
Your H also has anger problems, maturity problems and communcation problems: really? He treats you like garbage and he stops talking to you for days? Who wants to live like that???
You knew they were like this when you were dating. And most certainly they were like this when you were engaged. Given that, you should have broken it off and moved on. Who needs a guy who can't take your side and who wants to be treated miserably by anybody, period?
Your H can't sh!t or get off the bowl. First he lets them say horrible things about you and then all of a sudden he's ousted his family? So what's going on here? he's back in communication with them? I say it's either them or you! He needs to take your side and have your back.
Counseling for the both of you. He needs to learn how to stand up for you -- a house divided can't stand and that includes marriages.
If he won't stand up for you or if he refuses to go to counseling, you've got a long long road ahead of you. Put yourself first on this. GL.
ETA:
The marriage dynamic is shot to hell --- your H doesn't get it that once you are married your spouse IS your family. Thats it -- nobody else. Mothers, dads, siblings cousins and ILs, etc are not included. It's you and the spouse.
This is also a maturity issue. His friends are mistreating him, yet he still has them as friends? What does he need that funky bunch for? Does he need a friend that badly?
He needs to find other friends and if his family is so horrible to him, why is he still in contact with them at all? IF they are that bad, he needs to cut them out of your life and out of his.
And that he more or less promised you one thing and then went back on his word? YOu should be livid.
What a mess. I hope you get this straightened out -- sure, you and he can go see a counselor but is the counselor going to make him grow up or get a backbone? That's a tall order right there.
Yikes - sounds like your husband is kind of a jerk. You, as his wife, trump all others - you are #1. Those are the vows he made to you. If I were you, at this point, screw his family. Have you expressed what you said here to him. specifically these...
I can?t trust him because he has led me on.
he will betray my trust and sit there with them while I leave crying
he?ll abandon me too
It sounds like you guys are in counseling??? Has he taken any of that to heart... moreso, does he understand that you have to be his number one priority as his wife? Honestly, at this point I would be way more concerned about your marriage than keeping up appearances in attending your BIL's wedding...
He'll let you cry as you leave; he'll sit there?
I vote you let him sit there -- as you head out the door to see your ATTORNEY.
Wow, does this guy need to grow up and in a hurry -- and I don't see a marriage counselor instilling one iota of character into your H! He's got a character problem, too: a man who does NOT stand by his wife is no man at all.
I vote neither one of you attends the BIL's wedding. And I vote you cut the BIL and the entire bunch of bananas out of your lives.