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how to feel like an adult...
I am 23 years old and I have been married for 2.5 years. I have known my husband since I was in jr. high. We got engaged when I was 19 years old. I must say that I am very mature for my age and my whole life I couldnt wait to grow up and get married. I felt too old to even go to my junior and senior prom.
Anyway, my husband is 4 years older than I am. He had responsibiities wayyy before I was in his life. After his graduation he served in the US Army. He was out on his own and had to pay his own bills. Me on the other hand, graduated high school.. got engaged.. got married.. moved out, out of STATE.. bought a house.. and here we are.
I went from living with my parents to living with my husband. I did have responsibilities at my parents house.. I had to pay for my gas.. not my car or my cell phone.. or anything.
I'm feeling kind of helpless.. Ive been taken care of my whole life. How do I get the feeling of being an individual and NOT just a push over? I'm just feeling like something is missing.. kind of like I'm useless.. He pays our bills and says what we can do and can't do. I just need some help figuring out who I am and what I can do to make me feel like an ADULT.
Often times I think about having a baby.. Thats a BIG responsibility.. then that would give me more of a purpose. Please help.. I'm open to any suggestions!!
Thanks!
Re: how to feel like an adult...
OMG, tell me this is MUD. You want to have a baby because it will make you feel like an adult? WTMF?
How about you get a job? Or better yet, go to college or a trade school first. Or even do some volunteer work.
And do NOT bring a child into this relationship.
Get yourself to therapy and fast. This relationship isn't a healthy one or a normal one and you don't bring a child into the world simply because you sish to feel useful and responsble.
You felt too old?
Nope, you are very immature.
And this is why getting married at your age isn't recommended.
What's sad isn't wanting to be an adult, or trying to find you have a purpose in life, is it sounds like you never got to be a kid. For some reason you seemed to think being mature meant feeling old. Being mature isn't even about age. I think we all know some complete morons who have plenty of years behind them.
Now that you are of legal age you actually see those around you don't treat you as an equal. Your DH shouldn't be telling you what you can and cannot do, it is YOUR life. Handling all the finances (and since you are working I guess you hand over your check?) is not allowing you to be a partner. If he was to die tomorrow would you know how to take care of things? You need to tell him that you want to be a part of financial decisions.
Do you have friends? Outside interests? I think you do need to talk someone about why you don't control your own life. From there you can see how to grow. It will open your eyes to things in yourself and your marriage.
The last thing you need is a baby. You are trapped by the idea of there is something magical which will make you an adult. Once you aren't treated like a child and start being seen as an equal you will see the difference how you view life.
I am going to disagree with you that "Getting married at your age isn't recommended" I am 22 and have been married a little over a year. My DH is almost 23 and he is a general manager at a widely known auto parts company and I teach 6th grade English at a local Middle School. We pay all of our own bills together and have very little drama in our lives.
Is op as mature as she thinks? Probably not, but saying that people her age shouldn't get married is a little judgmental.
To OP:
Talk to dh about bills, have him explain where money goes and what bills are paid, etc. Maybe at some point you can take over managing money. Also, consider doing some online classes. If you don't know what you want to do just take general classes. This is important for finding yourself, and since he is military, if something were to happen to him you would have to be able to support yourself. Also, take a class at the gym, meet other people your age and find some skill classes at a local community center or library. Learn who you are and be happy with it. There is no magic pill for feeling like an adult. If you act like an adult (not pretending, taking on real responsibilities) you will feel like one.
TTA buddies w/ xcitedbride2009
I agree with the others who say that 19 or 20 is too young to get married. When I was 20 I was dating my husband, going to school full time, working full time, taking care of my Mom who was dying. I had more responsibilities than most people my age, I was pretty mature for my age, but I also wasn't 100% grown up. There really is no substitute for life experience....and no reason to rush through that. Why do you want to be thirty when you're twenty? You're missing out on major life experiences and opportunities for personal growth. You miss out on fun!
DH and I waited to get married until we were 25. We never wanted to look back and think what if, or feel that we missed out on experiences and opportunities. We were able to share those with one another but also to be completely independent individuals. It has made a huge difference in the success of our marriage.
What's done it done. To me it sounds like you haven't had enough experiences or personal challenges. It doesn't sound like you went to college. I would start taking classes on the side, volunteering, join meetup groups, etc. Make a bucket list of things you want to do or experience and try to do something new or challenging every week. You're feeling bored and unfulfilled b.c. your identity revolves around your relationship with your husband. That isn't very healthy for anyone!
ETA: it makes me sad for you that you felt "too mature" to go to your high school proms. That type of stuff is fun! Being young is fun! There is no prize for "being the most mature". You're cheating yourself out of these wonderful life experiences and I think its finally catching up with you.
kellbell nailed that one! You need to give yourself a purpose - get a degree and start a career. You need to enjoy being young, there's nothing wrong with being young. You can still have a successful relationship, make mature decisions, and enjoy your youth. Getting married young doesn't work for everyone but it's your decision. You just need to decide where you want to go from here.
I do think that becoming more independent would help. Getting an education and making your own money helps with this feeling like you have a purpose. Also, tell him you want to manage a part of your finances or household. I think that having a baby would make you feel more trapped because you have another person to worry about. Fix yourself first then worry about other things.
OP...I am going to let you in on a secret.
None of us feels like a "grownup". Deep inside, I still feel like a teenager that is just faking her way through things. The fact that society lets me have credit cards and mortgages is still astonishing to me.
But I do have to be an adult. I have to pay those bills on time, make decisions for my family and show up to work every day. I may never feel like a grownup, but I will keep being an adult until I die.
You went from the home of one authoritarian environment to another. Some people don't mind such a thing, but you do. Since you are recently married, you have an opportunity to set the patterns for your relationship. Now is the time to assert your position as an equal in the partnership. Insist that you participate in the budgeting and the bills. Read books on investing (Smart Couple Finish Rich is a great place to start) and set up plans for emergency funds, retirement, down payments and vacations.
On an individual level, make a list of the things you want to do...things that would make you feel like an adult: traveling in Europe, getting additional education to achieve a work goal, going on a long road trip just for the h*ll of it, opening an IRA or volunteering for a worthy charity. If they are activities that involve your husband, sit down with him and discuss some of the things you want to do. Take turns deciding what to do the next weekend. Don't let him always be the decision maker ... voice your opinion and then act on it. Sometimes things will go screwy (tires go flat on road trips, flights get cancelled, taking classes can get overwhelming) - but you work your way through it with determination and humor.
Good luck! Life is fun if you are truly willing to embrace and experience it.
They actually don't. 35 year olds have another 15 years of life experience that allow them to have a better sense of self and their own individual identity. 20 year olds don't have as much experience knowing what they want, compromising, making major life decisions like finances, jobs, etc. That's why the divorce rate is much higher for people who marry under the age of 25 than those who marry after.
Young marriages can work if both people give themselves the room to have life experiences and continue to grow as individuals. In this case it sounds like the OP is depriving herself of that opportunity and feels obligated to do so.
So I'm guessing you either married at 20 and have been married 6 months or are 19 or something. Your grammar and capitalization skills would support that conclusion.
Okay, but Kellbell, you're not taking into account that Foxrider is no doubt really "mature" for her age.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk