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I'm new and need to tell someone/get advice (long)
My husband and I have known each other for 6 years, been married for 11 months, and had a baby this past December. Let me pre-face this by saying I am unwilling to divorce my husband as I do love him, and I will not leave my SS.
I am expected to clean the entire house by myself, do all the dishes by hand (no dishwasher installed), take care of both children, do all the laundry, take care of the animals, make and pack his dinner for work, wake him up for work (must be in person because the alarm and phone go ignored), and set out his clothes for work. If I don't get his dinner fixed in time I have to drive it out to him. I am also in charge of making all calls, setting up appointments, grocery shopping, etc.
I did not know my husband was like this before I married him... apparently his mother babied him till I moved in. I kept up with everything in the house for the first 3.5 months of our marriage, and then I was so pregnant I just did not have the energy. Now, with the new baby and a preschooler on top of having to finish a bachelors degree so I can find work in his hometown I have been slacking. We don't live in filth, but some days I don't have time to do all the dishes (but they do get done) or to de-clutter the entire house. He doesn't think he should have to help because he works, and refuses to do any dishes, period (he uses the largest amount of dishes per day).
The biggest issue is that when I was 8 months pregnant, less than 3 months into our marriage, he cheated on me with a "friend". I was out of town for our baby shower. He said he didn't want to go, and that if he did we would have to cut my trip short because he had to work the day the following monday. Apparently, he had planned to meet up with this woman to talk about our "issues", and it led to her rubbing him and them having sex. He confessed two or three days after the incident, and said it was a huge mistake. He also says he stopped midway because he thought about how he was going to ruin his family. I'm not sure I believe him, but I have no way to know. I asked him what issues he was trying to talk to her about and he said he didn't know. I said I thought we were fine, and things had been going great and we were happy. His response was, "I know, we were". Then I asked why he cheated and he said he didn't know. To this day he still can't/won't tell me why. He promised to seek help, we'd go to counseling, and that I would have access to all accounts (email, cell phones, etc). The only thing that has changed is that as of 3 weeks ago I have access to his personal accounts.
I want us to go to therapy, but he says it is too expensive now. There is only one therapist/marriage counselor in the town we live in, so we do not have any other options. I am not allowed to talk to anyone about what happened or ask advice because he doesn't want to look bad. On top of that my MIL is constantly coming down on me and telling me I am a shitty person because I "have taken her family". She has issues when she isn't taking her medicine, so I get a verbal lashing and get harassed every few months when she goes off her medicine and my husband pisses her off.
I told him at the very least I need to go to therapy because I'm depressed and angry. I am at a breaking point, and I fear if I do not go to therapy it will start affecting our kids. He said that was fine, but has been making me feel bad about wanting to go and thinks I should just get on anti-depressants. To make matters worse, I haven't made any friends since I moved out here. We live on a farm just down the road from his parents. I have very little interaction with anyone, and every time I go to town I run the risk of running into "the other woman" and a handful of people I would rather avoid. I ran into the "other woman" a few weeks ago, she doesn't know I know, she was smiling at my DS and SS, and then when we walked by she laughed at us.
I need advice on how to cope and let go of the hurt and anger. I also need advice on how to broach the subject (again) of needing help with at least some of the housework in a way that doesn't make him feel attacked, but gets it through his thick skull. TIA
Re: I'm new and need to tell someone/get advice (long)
It doesn't seem like your husband respects you at all, and it almost seems like you are afraid of him. My husband tried to pull the "my mother did all of our housework" sh!t and I said "well you didn't marry her did you?" I do work full time though so it really would be ridiculous to do it all - but if you're in school & taking care of children, I think that definitely counts as work. I would pick a couple of the things and just stop doing them. He isn't going to go to work naked if you don't lay out his clothes. He will realize that he's a big boy now and needs to dress himself.
I think the enormous issue here is the cheating - that shows his lack of respect. You need to explain to him how you're feeling and that you can't keep going on like this. If he respects you and loves you then he will do what it takes to help you get through this - he caused this hurt in the first place! You also need to tell him to deal with his mother. That is ridiculous, there's no reason she should be treating you like that. She needs to mind her own business; I'd just ignore her if it keeps up.
I think this has the potential to turn into an emotionally abusive relationship if you stay complacent. He clearly doesn't care how you feel about anything and it doesn't seem like he even feels accountable for his actions since you were going through a rough patch when he cheated - that's not an excuse! I also believe that you need to take action before this situation can be absorbed by your children. You don't want them to grow up thinking that this sort of relationship is ok.
I think it's a good sign that you recognize that these issues can't continue, and I respect that you're willing to work through it, but you need to stand up for yourself more. The marriage won't last if you don't!
Why are you so adament about staying in this marriage? I really think you should consider how you feel and get yourself into individual counseling. NO situation is worth being stuck in if it is not healthy for you.
I definitely think the fact that I am at home taking care of kids and attending school full time and not working has become an issue since his mother brought it up in one of her tantrums. Although in my defense, I have to go back to school because I cannot continue my career in a small rural town. You are right I don't think he respects me at all. I think a lot of this stems from past relationship failures, and his mother. We had originally discussed moving before we got married, but due to the economy we can't sacrifice his job. I will most definitely try to stop enabling his behavior by stoping doing a few things. I think he may have the same issues his mom has, and that is why when he admitted to cheating, him seeking help was one of my requirements for me to even consider continuing our relationship. He has not fulfilled this promise. Should I give him an ultimate/deadline to complete this by? I do feel that if this environment continues and the issues fester it will harm our kids, and I refuse to let that happen. My kids mean the world to me, and it is my job to protect them. My SS (who I consider my own) and DS are what keeps me going.
I love my husband, even if I love who he used to be. I pray he will change. I also, am not and will not ever be okay with giving up my SS(4). His BM has been absent 95% of his life. I became a major part of his life when he was two, so we have a very deep bond. I do not have any legal rights to my SS, and if my husband and I were to separate I would have zero legal rights to him. I'm just not okay with that. My DS and SS have a very close relationship.
Could you legally adopt your stepson, and THEN divorce your husband?
If not, I suggest you find a boyfriend on the side. Lord knows you deserve some happiness, and apparently not f*cking other people isn't a boundary in your marriage. And for heaven's sake, stop being his damn maid. He can make and pack his own dinner, and if he starves, too bad.
Pretty unlikely that your husband is going to change who he is.
I understand your attachment to your SS, but you have to decide if that alone is worth staying married to a man who has zero respect for you and who brings nothing to your marriage. In the end I think that would be more harmful to your children than getting out now.
In the meantime stop being his maid/ receptionist/ personal assistant. Have him start helping you with things. For example you do the dishes together, one washes the other dries & puts away. Eventually he will know what to do and that he can do it and will do it on his own (hopefully).
Sounds like your SS is old enough to start learning how to pick up his toys and other chores with your help. All you can do is try to instill good habits while you are around.
You need help from a counselor or psychologist now. It is worth the money to help you get through this and find happiness. If money is really an issue go seek help from a clergy person. There must be a church in your area.
Just realize at the moment it sounds like the best thing to make you and your family happy is to leave this man.
I agree with the PP that suggested meeting with a clergy person - they are always willing to help preserve a marriage and I've never heard of a charge for this.
I wasn't attacking your decision to go back to school - I think it's fantastic and your husband should be supporting you in any way he can. If you ask me, I'd definitely give him an ultimatum - counseling or you leave. Personally I would have already left at this point but I can understand wanting to stay for the children, and wanting to fight for a marriage. I'd suggest some of the options that PPs mentioned to take care of your SS. Let us know what you decide.
Please get yourself to counseling and think about if you want your child to learn that this is how marriage is supposed to be. Not only are you ruining your life sticking to this jerk, your ruining your child's life as well.
...am I the only one wondering how it is you've known him for 6 years, yet his son is 4...? Was he married when you met him?
*sinks slooooowly back into lurkdom*
My husband has never been married. We met in college when I was dating someone else. I mentioned I became a major part of SS's life when he was 2. We were friends for years before we started dating. We lived in different cities for a long time. Sorry that may have been confusing. BM stepped out on SS when he was an infant and MIL took care of him while my H worked.
I talked to my H, and told him he was being a shitty husband. I brought up all the points you lovely ladies affirmed I had already been thinking. I gave him an ultimatum regarding therapy. He is on board with therapy; we are making an appointment next week. He also said he is going to make an effort to bring something to our relationship. He says he wants to make it work, so I guess we will see.
wow. If you won't leave him, I'm not sure there is any advice to give.
I won't even touch the fact that you are his maid. The fact that he cheated on you when you were 8 months pregnant with his child is reason enough to leave him.
again....wow
Your husband didn't suddenly change into this person. he was this person and you didn't realize until you were married. You love who you THOUGHT he was, not who he was.
Your husband is emotionally abusive and controlling. It won't get better, it will get worse. He cares more about his image than about you as an individual and doesn't want you to reach out to anyone so that you won't have anyone telling you you deserve better and will be too cut off from the world to get the courage to leave.
Dude.
I need to talk to your husband - what I wouldn't give to have someone wait on me hand and foot, basically be my slave, do everything short of wipe my ass for me (or do you wipe his ass for him?) - all of this while I bang other people and do whatever I want. Sounds like a sweet life.
On second thought - I have a conscience and therefore couldn't treat someone like that, especially someone that I love. Too bad that your husband has neither a conscience or love for you. Best of luck with the counseling, but something tells me that it's going to take more than a few visits to get him to change......if he even wants to.
This. I don't understand what about this man's personality is attractive, even a little bit.
Normal bloodwork, HSG and S/A
Med Cycles #1-5: 50mg Clomid, Novarel trigger, TI and 2 IUI's--> all BFN's
April, May 2012: Natural Cycles, BFN's
Med Cycle #6: Follistim with trigger and IUI --> BFFN
Ovarian endometriosis discovered in July, treated with laparoscopy 8/3
September Siggy: Birthday Cake MARTINIS
This.