Trouble in Paradise
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
I've ruined my husband...(long story)
So, I'm new here. I have friends I can talk to but I hate talking about my husband to them. Anyway, over two yrs. ago I had a one time affair with a guy from my past. Prior to the affair my dh was finding excuses to not go to work(bad back), but felt fine enough to help his buddy work in his ATV shop. DH was also spending most of our $ on ATVs and parts and spending countless hours in the garage;no time w/me &our children. He started drinking heavy, too. The only time he wanted anything to do with me was when he wanted sex and would get angry for days at a time if I didn't give in. He's always been very controlling:the color/length of my hair, money, my friends, and not wanting to meet my bio. dad). With husbands lack of attention in me I began chatting with friends(male and female) on FB. An old friend and I reconnected & his interest in me totally blew me away. Needless to say, the affair happened. I told hubby a few days later & after a short separation we agreed to work things out. We even renewed our vows. Things went well for a couple months then the monster reared its ugly head...the affair was thrown on my face daily, I was called a whore in front of our kids, the drinking became worse along with the neglect. This went on until last spring when he asked for a divorce. I agreed. I couldn't take the abuse anymore. During our separation(after papers were filed) we both began other relationships; his online, sexting, texting, calling, etc., mine in real life. He hacked unto my computer accounts, had people following me, refused to see the children, etc. For whatever reason, I realized I still loved him and called him 12 days before our divorce hearing. We've been together since...though it's been very rough. He still has major issues w/the affair and now w/the relationships during our separation. These issues spill over into what little bit of good we manage to put together in our marriage...he has a hard time looking me in the eye, tells me he doesn't know if he'll ever love me like he used to and has told me many times he wishes he'd never met me. Am I wrong for wanting to move past the affair? DH tells me I do because I'm trying to pretend nothing ever happened. What do you think of this?
Re: I've ruined my husband...(long story)
To me it sounds like your relationship ended a long time ago when you cheated because he was being selfish and you looked else where. If something is so broken it most likely can't be fixed. Do you feel good being with someone who openly tells you he doesn't know if he can love you? Or someone that puts you down in front of your children? I'm guessing the answer is no - this is not healthy on alot of levels. If you want to try and make it work, I would suggest getting counseling and seeing if it's worth moving forward or not.
I personally think you should have went through with the divorce for your own happiness and for your children's happiness. No woman should be with a controling man! He's teaching your children that this is behavior is ok in a relationship and your reenforcing it because your staying with him.
Why would you want to be with this guy?
I think you need to do some deep soul searching and see what it is that makes you want that sort of treatment. NO ONE deserves to be controlled like that. Trust me....I was there and know that the grass IS greener on the other side!!!
If not for you, do it for your children. Do you want them to think that is what a marriage should be like????
Online girlfriend?
I don't condone cheating, but duuude, this guy is awful. He was a controlling, irresponsible, possibly cheating dud long before you had your affair. Your affair was clearly a desperate attempt to get out. I'm actually sorry you didn't succeed.
And the "he's a good husband in all other ways" made me lol. You've run out of ways for him to be a good husband, with all the ways he's a terrible one. What other ways are there?
He also sounds like he's got mental issues.
For the sake of your kids you need to divorce this guy and move on. They'vebeen done irreparable damage, thanks to the treatment their father is giving you.
And you're willing to have them stay in a horrible household because it is a money issue.
What about moving back in with your parents? A friend? an aunt or an uncle? You could stay with them until you are on your feet financially.
This is reason enough to leave him. I can't even imagine letting anyone control me like this unless I was in prison for a crime. I have had two friends in horrible abusive relationships. Both got out. One quick because she was smart and saw the signs before it was to late. The other didn't and endured a horrible marriage for years. Even after they separated she still went back and dated him. Finally she wised up and left him. She is much happier now but it took time for her to heal.
Please just leave him again. You deserve someone who treats you like a queen. If not for you do it for your children. How does he effect them? How will they know what a happy mom and childhood is like if dad is such a controlling, alcoholic, verbally abusive d*ck? How will they treat you if they constantly see dad treating you like crud?
Please get individual counseling because you need it. Counseling will also help you understand why you even had the affair. Also find a close friend or family member to help support you through this. Their support will mean wonders to you when you need it.
I think you should re-read this post and your original over & over again.
Sorry but after all this information leave him. Love just sometimes is not enough. One thing I know about affairs and marriage is that unless you both come to eachother more calm and try not name call it will never work out. You were wrong and he was wrong in what you did and how you reacted. Did you guys try counseling? I dont know if I missed that. But this guys seems like a real jerk the way he dealt with you legally and even before the divorce proceedings. Find a friend, find a family member if you need emotional or financial support and get out.
It will hurt to leave again like hell, the most painful feeling ever. But you will move on and you will feel better eventually. If you are questioning on whether to leave it sounds like in some way you have already decided....
OP, you need to go to Al-Anon. Like yesterday.
The fact that you would cancel the divorce and get back together with him when he emotionally and financially neglected his kids is beyond my comprehension. That is not a man worthy of a family.
Your husband is an alcoholic. The reason his jealousy about the affair reignites every so often can probably be timed to his drinking and when you are hassling him about it. You must be co-dependent because I can't imagine a woman with half a brain who would say "Oh yes, I want to stop my divorce proceedings and get back together with the guy who won't see his kids, is trying to starve us and drinks like a fish! I especially love it when he is publicly humiliating me on Facebook and calling me a whore in front of our children. Such good times!"
Seriously, your kids deserve better. Give it to them.
Your response only reinforces my recommendation for Al-Anon for you. You need to understand how his behavior (past and current) is all part of his alcoholism - whether or not he is drinking. He will always be an alcoholic. He may be in recovery or currently sober, but he *is* an alcoholic.
He needs to go to meetings. While he may not be consuming alcohol, he still thinks like an addict. The destructive tapes are still running in his head and he will still be emotionally unpredictable. You need to go to Al-Anon and talk to other people's whose lives have been affected by the drinking of others. You qualify.
Wow. Just.... .wow.
He tells you how long your hair should be and dictates whether of not to meet your father?!You didn't ruin him... he ruined himself.
You cheated. He cheated. Okay, that happens, but seriously he's just going to keep using that against you and throwing it in your face. You know he can do it because he has.
And there was a PP that said you need to go to Al-Anon. She meant YOU, not him. My husband has some emotional issues himself and can be difficult. I tried to get him to go to therapy but he didn't so I went, because I needed to figure out what I needed to do to cope.
Whether you stay with him forever or if you leave this guy (which I think you should do; piddly child support and all), you still need to heal. You need to talk to someone (while boards are super comforting, an actual professional is more effective).
Good luck to you.